Intimacy

The one that got away

By Cslouth - 27/10/2012 04:04 - United States - Rochester

Spicy

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 885

You deserved it 63 947

Performance anxiety

By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 317

You deserved it 11 244

Self rated

By Anonymous - 09/01/2024 13:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized my success rates for sex in my committed relationship were really, really low, so I've decided to stop trying for a while. I also recently have learned Excel. I made a pretty complex tracker if I ever decide to try again to monitor failures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 202

Loud fart

By naomi3271 - 18/11/2019 20:00

Today, I accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 958

You deserved it 674

By Anonymous - 18/06/2018 01:30

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of four years decided that the best way to break up with me was to move out of our apartment while I was at work, and then text me a video of himself having sex with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 326

You deserved it 351

Gross

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 17:00 - Canada - Elora

Spicy

Today, I was cleaning my older brother's room in my mom's house after he had just moved out with his girlfriend. I guess I was multitasking a little too much and not paying too much attention to what I was doing and I realized 15 seconds later, I was holding a used condom in my right hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 571

You deserved it 1 633

Whaaaaat?

By erphy21 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Lompoc

Today, my 18 year-old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 449

You deserved it 6 435

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 01:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 299

You deserved it 5 404

Inference

By Canuckboy - 24/06/2021 07:59 - Canada

Spicy

Today, a few weeks after coming out to my parents, my mother randomly asked me, "Your father and I have tried anal sex a few times, but it hurts too much. D'you have any advice on what to do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 417

By Anonymous - 03/01/2011 08:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 806

You deserved it 5 071

By ohmylordy - 29/10/2010 05:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 384

You deserved it 6 673

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 339

You deserved it 8 943

By kaitlin - 19/02/2010 06:30 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 161

You deserved it 4 406

By Anonymous - 19/08/2010 06:32 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed "Oh my god!" for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a TV into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 509

You deserved it 13 748

By prdept. - 09/03/2011 17:12 - France

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy. It was going great until his 6-year-old brother walked in and screamed so loudly it brought both of his parents running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 245

You deserved it 20 524

Toys R Us

By microlovin - 28/07/2013 07:45 - United States - Pasadena

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 835

You deserved it 9 270

They made me do it

By Cat - 07/11/2011 04:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 237

You deserved it 3 910

By Anonymous - 16/02/2012 21:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 926

You deserved it 3 381

By Bex98 - 11/01/2016 08:17 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 787

You deserved it 8 067

Bex98 tells us more.

Bex98 6

Tuesday 12 January 2016 1:03

So, this is my FML. I'm not sure if it's verified, because I keep forgetting my passwords. Like a complete ******* haha. But anyways, this answer was prompted because I asked the server to describe the alfredo sauce, and she said: "It's creamy and white." Also, the FML about the veteran and his pickup line was also mine a few months ago, and of course I didn't have an account when I posted then either. Also, my brother did not willingly hang out with me haha. My family and a few other families were travelling together, and the teenagers, who all happened to be friends of my brother, went to eat together.

By pittmanw - 18/07/2016 02:54 - United States - Jackson

Spicy

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with another guy. On top of it all he stole my favorite underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 476

You deserved it 1 091

Bumbling

By Anonymous - 07/12/2019 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 666

You deserved it 595

By Anonymous - 11/04/2015 22:05 - United States - Shelby

Spicy

Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 981

You deserved it 11 920

Bit harsh

By Anonymous - 15/01/2022 23:01

Spicy

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 284

You deserved it 2 060

By thatguy - 21/12/2009 00:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I bought a laptop so that I could have dirty video chats with my internet girlfriend. I got home only to find that the only place I can get a decent wifi signal is in front of my mom's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 625

You deserved it 24 236

By erjazo - 31/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Morris

Spicy

Today, I was watching TV with my husband, and he started getting frisky. When the commercial break started, we started having sex. When he came, there were still two commercials left before the show resumed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 319

You deserved it 6 866

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 22:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 764

You deserved it 5 694

By sheyshey0413 - 13/06/2011 17:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my boyfriend will only have sex with me if I am on my stomach and not revealing my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 079

You deserved it 6 944

By cockfist - 04/03/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Spicy

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 262

You deserved it 6 719

By Ihatemylife - 03/03/2013 12:17 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Spicy

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend asked me, "Are you sure you're a guy?" I still have no idea what that was for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 907

You deserved it 6 370

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FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

The Top

Today, we were supposed to go on a weekend camping trip with our Scout troop. On Thursday I wasn't feeling well but I made it through school okay. Dad forced me to pack up immediately after school, even though I felt worse. I threw up on the porch on the way out. Dad thinks I did this on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 79

Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 659

You deserved it 9 153

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 286

You deserved it 4 812

Today, I found out my long distance girlfriend gave me chlamydia, after I spent $1k to fly her out for a week. I paid for an STD delivery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 149

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 336

You deserved it 6 953

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 173 864

You deserved it 24 651