Alcohol

Caught in the middle

By Anonymous - 15/07/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, my wife has a drinking problem. She's stopped drinking liquor but still drinks beer, and even though I work and make great money, we are always scraping by. I’m at the point of leaving but we have an almost three year-old and one year-old and I feel like I’m going to get screwed in divorce court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 107

By KyngJulian - 23/04/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or family, but because the ice-maker couldn't keep up with the amount of drinks I've been making. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 708

You deserved it 19 738

Boozy wake

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 23:00 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my stepdad's funeral. Everything was great, until people got drunk, kicked off, and the police got called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 122

Thank you for being a friend

By Anonymous - 13/05/2019 14:00

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 206

It's called growing old

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 11:01

Today, I woke up with the nastiest, most brutal hangover ever. I haven't had alcohol in 10 years and I only eat healthy, yet my body craps itself out because… reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 164

Dysfunctionally functional

By Anonymous - 21/05/2024 10:00 - United States - Collegeville

Today, a coworker confided in me that he’s taking a leave of absence to get treatment for alcoholism. I feel for him, but I’m also incredibly jealous. He’s better at our job while drunk than I am while sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 203

So, when a man loves a woman…

By Gwen - 01/08/2025 21:00 - Russia - Kolomna

Today, I'm really puzzled about explaining what he saw to our 6-year old. So, he walked in on us mid-sex, which itself would be barely acceptable if there were only the two of us, his married parents, but actually a dead drunk threesome between my husband, his best male friend, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 605

No thanks for you

By Anonymous - 30/11/2024 03:00 - United States - Marietta

Today, it was Thanksgiving and the first time my boyfriend would be meeting my whole family. He was nervous so he started drinking. By the end of the night, he was belligerently drunk and kissed my aunt twice thinking it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 145

Inebriated utterances

By Brenden Alistair Maye - 30/07/2021 01:59

Today, after the girl I fell head over heels for asked me out last night, it turns out she was so drunk at the time, she doesn't remember and doesn't want to date me at all. I'm beginning to feel like my life is some shitty movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 122

Drunken antics

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 14:01

Today, I found out that last night, when I drank a bit too much and blacked out, I freaked out about "losing my tampon in my vagina" and made my boyfriend fish through to look for it. I had already taken it out before then, and was too drunk to realize. He told me he almost called 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 355

You deserved it 1 152

Boozehound

By not an alchy - 09/05/2021 19:59

Today, my boyfriend tried to confront me about my “drinking problem”. He claims that the last time he was at my place, I had a full bottle of rum and now it’s gone. He hasn’t spent the night at my house in over two months and it was a half bottle of Malibu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 130

Get back here!

By Anonymous - 12/02/2010 07:51 - Canada

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 186

You deserved it 2 773

I'm not paid enough for this shit

By Bartender - 20/10/2014 21:04 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 551

You deserved it 2 649

The morning after the night before

By college student - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 064

You deserved it 9 398

Why would I do that to me?

By car keyer - 02/12/2013 06:41 - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 784

You deserved it 54 821

Chemistry

By Anonymous - 31/03/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my son's bedroom, I discovered various types of juice my son has been "storing" to make wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 931

You deserved it 4 590

I get around

By Permafucked - 12/05/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer, I ended up in bed with one of them, who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 108

You deserved it 86 265

Boozehound

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 584

You deserved it 21 761

Hair of the dog

By shartface12 - 06/06/2014 22:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 979

You deserved it 43 666

By julie24 - 30/05/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 194

You deserved it 46 133

Congratulations, you played yourself

By danielle - 23/04/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 235

You deserved it 260 204

Alcohol isn't a drug, it's a drink

By Anonymous - 08/05/2022 10:00

Today, I was carded for trying to buy wine and was told the dates were faded, so they wouldn’t be selling it to me, since they suspected I was underage. I work at the vineyard that produces the wine, I’m the head vintner, and I made the wine in the bottle I wasn’t allowed to buy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 164

This aged well

By rugs - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 195

You deserved it 5 934

Party time!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Pharr

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 049

You deserved it 4 860

Regular boozehound

By Matchtopia - 18/01/2012 00:21 - United States

Today, I was addressed by name by the liquor store clerk. I've never told him my name. He's just seen my ID many times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 273

You deserved it 30 252

The best day of your life

By How's the salmon? - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted at me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 585

You deserved it 3 168

Lonely

By Anonymous - 25/10/2022 01:00 - Nigeria

Today, I went to a party with 5 of my friends. Within five minutes, they'd all paired up and gone. Then it was just me, drinking my pain away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 139

Clique

By nick - 14/01/2024 03:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I’m being accused of groping and holding a drunk girl inappropriately at the party I hosted. I was literally holding her up, to prevent her from throwing up all over my floor and furniture. Her friends did a good job of just standing there, leaving me, a man, as the only one to help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 122

GIVE ME BOOZE, NOW!

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 22:01

Today, I got a change of ID. My old ID had its corner cut off and was given a temporary paper ID. I went to a bar in another town to have some drinks. Turns out I couldn't because they couldn't use my old ID or my temporary one to let me drink, even though I'm 22. I've been there before and I work at my town's liquor store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 171

Let that sink in

By Anonymous - 04/10/2010 21:42 - Canada

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 896

You deserved it 8 729

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 790

You deserved it 5 379

Today, I got off early from work to catch my wife screwing her co-worker in our bed. I ask her what I did to deserve this. She told me she was “lonely” and that he “always makes her feel like a woman,” unlike me. She would come home from work and I would initiate intimacy, but she would decline every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 059

You deserved it 187

Today, my cat woke me up a few minutes before my alarm, so I got up, had a pee, brushed my teeth, got dressed, went downstairs and fed her, started to make a coffee, and glanced at my phone clock. IT'S ONLY 01:30 IN THE FRICKING MORNING, MY ALARM DOESN’T GO OFF FOR ANOTHER 5 HOURS! DAMN CAT! FML

I agree, your life sucks 223

You deserved it 503

Today, I got lost searching for an apartment in a huge complex. A hysterical woman started screaming that I didn’t belong there, and that she was calling the police. She stood behind my car so I couldn’t leave. I’m a pizza delivery driver, in full uniform and with the company emblem on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 025

You deserved it 168

Today, during an argument, my boyfriend had the nerve to tell me he'll make more than me at his new job that he starts next week. He can't keep a job for more than six months. I've been working at my job for over two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 364

You deserved it 106

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 859

You deserved it 497