Your everyday life stories

CaoiiBieber - 17/07/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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Stop talking, stop talking now

Username - 17/07/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

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it_IS_just_me - 17/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

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Compromising situation

anonymous - 16/07/2011 13:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper, we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset, so I politely asked where the bathroom was so I could "powder my nose;" After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML

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McKenna - 16/07/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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SCREWED - 15/07/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

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Cheers, asshat

gross - 15/07/2011 01:09 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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Backfired

gir - 14/07/2011 19:35 - United States

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

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Marvel Comics

Anonymous - 14/07/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML

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TheGoodTwin - 14/07/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's the grieving widow of his friend who died three weeks ago. FML

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Anonymous - 14/07/2011 08:40 - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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wittlegirl - 13/07/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't understand all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table, "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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Family Matters

whyme102008 - 13/07/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

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Anonymous - 13/07/2011 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

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44haley44 - 12/07/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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Caught

Anonanon - 12/07/2011 17:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after, he gave me the "let's just be friends" speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex-girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

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tony456 - 11/07/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

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Ouchie

Anonymous - 10/07/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

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Joe - 08/07/2011 18:48 - United States

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

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Jack - 08/07/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

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wronged - 08/07/2011 08:41 - Singapore

Today, my extremely paranoid boyfriend called me a whore and threatened to break up with me, all because he had a dream in which I had sex with my ex. I'm still a virgin. FML

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Username - 08/07/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

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lizownsvirgy - 07/07/2011 19:49 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

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Anonymous - 06/07/2011 23:35 - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

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devilboy - 06/07/2011 11:26 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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User review

Anna - 06/07/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML

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Jessie - 05/07/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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davidthegreat - 05/07/2011 08:27 - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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Wrong place

anonymous - 05/07/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

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danam - 05/07/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

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Today, while at work, a woman left her credit card at my register. I tried to return it before she left. Seeing her getting into her car, I jogged after her and yelled, "Wait." She ran over my foot. FML

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Today, my boss asked that I add the work of our third coworker's position to my shift because he's never finished his duties. She gave us a 50 cent raise to "babysit" a 60-ish year-old man. I responded to respectfully fire him or pay me 20/hr. His last day is Friday and he doesn't even know yet. FML

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Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML

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Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

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Today, I was intimate with my girlfriend for the first time, after watching an episode of Jimmy Neutron. I got so excited that I came in less than 20 seconds and yelled, "Brain blast!" as I did. FML

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