Animals

Baby's high

By Anonymous - 08/01/2021 17:01 - Germany - Zittau

Today, I think my cat is getting high. Whenever she finds her drug of choice, she sniffs it, then rolls around in it, purring ecstatically. Typical catnip reaction, right? Wrong. It’s my dirty underwear she's into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 172

Noise annoys

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 04:58 - Germany

Today, the cows on the neighboring farm have been lowing loudly for 3 days straight. The guy who runs the farm is unreachable. The people who own the farm and live right next to the stable claim they don’t hear a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 156

You're my mommy now

By Lissy - 05/01/2021 14:02

Today, and everyday since we got a puppy in March, my husband is jealous of the puppy who follows me everywhere. He was the one that wanted the puppy and now he practically hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 198

Disney 2021

By Anonymous - 04/01/2021 14:01

Today, I realised that I'm kinda living the life of a Disney princess, because I'm lonely and all my friends are animals. Yes, I also talk to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 160

Warming it up

By Erin - 02/01/2021 20:01

Today, I bought an expensive blanket to help warm up for the winter. Right after I put it on the bed, my dog jumped up and peed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 181

Cats rule the world

By Tony - 02/01/2021 08:01 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 148

Leave spiders alone

By Anonymous - 01/01/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

I agree, your life sucks 198

You deserved it 1 970

Preferential treatment

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 08:03 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my mom’s house has several comfortable places to rest in every room. For the cats and dogs, that is. Unfortunately for me, I'm a human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 133

Tasty

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 05:01

Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 120

Have a good one!

By suuuuuupucci - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 207

You deserved it 3 528

Because I'm worth it

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 02:01

Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 194

Haunted house

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 751

You deserved it 203

Murderer!

By Puppy_Killer - 16/12/2020 23:02 - Australia

Today, I was backing out of my garage when my neighbour's collie ran behind my car. Unfortunately, I didn't see it, but I heard a thump. They were out, so I rushed him to the vet's. I was upset, and I guess I was driving too fast and didn't see that another dog was crossing the road. I killed two dogs today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 462

Stealth attack

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 16:58 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 177

Are Christmas cards still a thing?

By amywee - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 562

You deserved it 3 596

Good boy

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 23:02 - Germany

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food, and continue cuddling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 135

Work together!

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 05:01 - Germany - Norden

Today, our cats got in a serious fight about the rights to some prime mousing territory. The territory in question? Our kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 134

Is that even legal?

By Monkeys aren't pets - 07/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 119

Are you sure you're OK?

By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 2 092

Man spitting truth bombs over here

By Robert - 19/11/2020 08:08

Today, I found out my cat had died overnight at the vet's. She died alone in the dark, in a cage. Meanwhile, Donald Trump, an old, narcissistic, overweight sack of shit, survived COVID with millions of tax payer dollars in healthcare. I'd rather my cat had been the one to live; at least she made life nicer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 598

You deserved it 1 053

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 978

You deserved it 338

Don't touch me, bitch

By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 227

Supply and demand

By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:02 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I spotted my dad watching a wildlife/nature video. I pointed out to him that the animal on the screen was critically endangered; he rebutted by telling me that it's impossible for the animal on the screen to go extinct because people keep hunting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 116

No, Drake, no

By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 239

You deserved it 737

Keep the peace

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 18:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend accidentally put rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then the old lady took all the rubbish out and threw it on the floor. I came out and tried to calm the situation, but then my girlfriend ran downstairs and tipped her cat food and cat milk bowls over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 174

Sorry, dude

By Aussie mate - 24/09/2020 08:01 - Australia

Today, I got up and started getting ready for work. As I entered the bathroom, I noticed a moth in the shower. Feeling generous, I caught the moth in a cup and took it to the front porch. I released the moth and watched it fly away… into a giant spider and its web. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 236

What's up, doc?

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 17:02 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I was spending time with my affectionate pet rabbit. He was hanging out with me on my bed as usual. After I finished giving him a long and thorough head rub, he thanked me by emptying his bladder on my leg. What is that, marking me as his property? True affection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 273

Bee Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 22/08/2020 23:02 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I woke up to the inside of my house covered in bees. Hundreds of them. I have been complaining about a bee problem to the HOA for two weeks, and their response has been, “The hive was taken care of." Well, a few hundred bees inside and a few thousand on my outside wall beg to disagree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 710

You deserved it 129

Invaded

By Anonymous - 17/08/2020 02:00

Today, I put solar lights in my yard to finally figure out what my dog has been chasing over the fence at night. It's rats. She's been chasing rats that have invaded my backyard every night for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 307

You deserved it 151

Minefield

By Anonymous - 14/08/2020 20:03

Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat's poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 397

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The Top

Today, like any other day I moan after I sneeze. The only issue is that today my husband was on the phone with his grandmother, and had to explain to her, while trying not to laugh, that he wasn't having sex with me while on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 686

You deserved it 1 303

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 023

You deserved it 484

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 931

You deserved it 350

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 706

You deserved it 277

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 275

You deserved it 19 433

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 121

You deserved it 68 712