Random Spicy

Dry

By moresexperience - 11/09/2009 12:26 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. It all was going fine until my mom asked aloud, "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied, "No." I'd actually been painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 539

You deserved it 4 318

Gross, dude

By Anonymous - 06/11/2018 03:00

Today, I took my date home for sex after quite a long dry spell. As he took off his shoes, I was hit right in the nose by the most disgusting foot odour I've ever encountered. It was so bad I forgot all about sex and threw him out. That was 3 hours ago and I can still smell it on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 202

You deserved it 543

Oops, I Did It Again

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 824

You deserved it 772

All in the family

By notasgood - 12/01/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 655

You deserved it 3 351

Fair enough

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Dallas

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 478

You deserved it 5 418

Busting makes me feel good

By Anonymous - 03/02/2023 12:00

Today, my husband suggested we start making pornos online to make ends meet. I told him, “You bust so quickly, it’ll have to be a TikTok.” He’s been pouting all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 469

Let me Slytherin

By Wisconsin love - 13/12/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 024

You deserved it 10 980

By snickerdoodles - 08/01/2010 06:30 - France

Today, I was sparring with a guy in my Tae Kwon Do class. He had a hard-on the entire time we were sparring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 475

You deserved it 3 991

The joys of parenthood

By Anonymous - 07/09/2022 14:00

Today, I had my first "hot" dream in a while. In the dream, my husband and I finally got cozy and comfortable, but just as we were about to start our banging, our toddlers interrupted us. So, my kids are cockblocking me even in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 354

You deserved it 268

By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 19:54 - Denmark

Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 402

You deserved it 28 077

Perks

By Username - 01/06/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 419

You deserved it 31 994

By Anonymous - 22/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 999

You deserved it 4 809

Setup

By hamandegger - 04/02/2013 20:17 - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 848

You deserved it 4 523

By helpme - 24/11/2015 06:34 - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 686

You deserved it 4 669

By who_cares - 09/07/2015 11:20 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 641

You deserved it 10 862

Submission

By Anonymous - 24/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 535

You deserved it 1 935

These jugs don't belong here...

By Busty - 21/11/2017 06:00

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 837

You deserved it 1 035

By missblue97 - 23/12/2016 08:55 - United States

Today, my dad asked my step-mom if he could get some booty before bed because he still had energy. He didn't realize I was still in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 733

You deserved it 947

By hairynips - 10/10/2012 19:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend and tell him that the red bumps around my nipples was heat rash, rather than admit it was actually razor burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 279

You deserved it 9 608

By anonymous - 29/01/2011 12:41 - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 861

You deserved it 8 983

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 508

You deserved it 36 801

By Anonymous - 19/07/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone, then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it said, "I'm here for the quicky." Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 307

You deserved it 4 990

Disrespectful

By awskme - 09/01/2010 00:36 - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfriend of nine months. She was making a lot of noise, so I told her to keep it down, and reminded her that my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later, I got a text from my sister, saying my parents wanted to make sure I was wearing a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 864

You deserved it 29 156

That kidnapped kink

By georgiahick - 30/12/2010 14:09

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 867

You deserved it 6 115

Snoopy

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 993

You deserved it 9 039

Naked

By audied - 04/01/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over two years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 423

You deserved it 4 660

By cockblockedbyFB - 06/06/2015 13:01 - United States - San Antonio

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 926

You deserved it 3 126

Nice!

By kill me now - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 350

You deserved it 7 072

By owmyhead - 21/08/2011 00:08 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 119

You deserved it 49 690

Caught a stray bullet

By cryface - 07/02/2014 04:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend he was like an animal in bed. He responded saying I was like a dead animal in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 041

You deserved it 17 826

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The Top

Today, at a public restroom, I caught my extremely eco-friendly daughter, who was on her period, looking through the trash. When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm looking for pads to use. It'll mean less garbage." I then had to lecture her in the public restroom about health and hygiene. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 538

You deserved it 2 621

Today, I took my friend to the emergency room because he was having heart problems. The doctors recognized him, and one of them had something to say: "Charles, can you not wait until you're practically dying to seek medical treatment?" This is gonna be a long day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 108

Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 093

You deserved it 5 169

Today, I tried therapy to talk about my problems without feeling like i am harassing anyone. After messaging a therapist for over 2 hours, I felt way better and finally understood. It turned out I'm in such a bad mental state that I'm a danger to myself and others. Police were called by the therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 246

Today, while entering the building I live in, I walked into my neighbor who winked at me and said last night must have been great. After I asked why, he said he could hear my girlfriend moaning and screaming, and that I must be pretty good at it. I was just coming back from a week overseas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 413

You deserved it 3 431

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 2 453