Animals

Get back

By Rebeccs - 14/08/2022 20:00 - Canada

Today, my cat escaped through my front door. It was dark out, so I had no idea where I was going. I finally caught up to him in my neighbour’s lawn and I gave him heck for scaring me. It took me a minute to realize I was actually talking to a bush in their flowerbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 350

How could you?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2022 00:00

Today, it's been weeks since my teenage kids have walked the dog I got them; they also don’t play with it, pay it any attention, or feed it. It’s all been me, so since I never wanted it in the first place, I gave it to a friend of my mom's. My kids now think I’m the devil and my husband says I overreacted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 437

Cat mojo

By Oww - 09/08/2022 00:00

Today, my ill-tempered cat tried to slap me in the face. She ended up sticking one of her claws as far up my nostril as it would go, and got stuck. Not only did I kinda get to experience what it feels like to be stabbed, I also got a horrible nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 173

The inconsistent gardener

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 309

You deserved it 11 038

How very dare you?

By Oh Lawd He Comin - 05/08/2022 09:00 - United States

Today, I got tired of my cat trying to open the bag that contains his food when he literally has food in his bowl, so I put the bag on a high shelf he can't reach. Since then, he's been giving me all sorts of dirty looks whenever we're in the same room, to try and make me feel bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 296

So close, but yet so far

By socks - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 639

You deserved it 3 482

It's MINE

By birdy - 01/08/2022 10:00 - Australia

Today, after months of trying to persuade her to give it to a wildlife rescue, I reported my stepmother to the authorities for illegally keeping an endangered bird in the kitchen. When they took it, she screamed that I had no right to do that, as she considered it hers since she found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 251

Bad boy

By Titatoum - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 528

You deserved it 5 933

The masters have decided

By Misty Michelle Jones - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I purchased a rather expensive, self-cleaning litter box for my 4 cats. Now they're shitting outside of the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 045

You deserved it 525

Skittish

By Exhausted Cat Catcher - 24/07/2022 19:00 - United States

Today, I accidentally let one of my grandma's cats outside, so I tried to get her back in. Unfortunately, this proved to be very difficult, because this damn cat would wait for me to get near her, and as soon as I came close to picking her up, she would leap and run away, then wait for me again. Show-off bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 257

Resting bitch face

By Meow, Bitch! - 24/07/2022 11:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I realized my cat has a very serious case of RBF. Let me tell you, there's nothing more unnerving than turning your head and seeing a small tuxedo cat staring daggers at you for absolutely no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 251

Switching off

By IantoJones_fml - 24/07/2022 02:00

Today, our eleven year-old Chihuahua died in his sleep. Yesterday, the vet sent him home with us, saying he had mild congestion, and should be fine in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 86

Priorities

By unwanted - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 245

You deserved it 3 603

Stop! Hammertime!

By Anonymous - 17/07/2022 00:00

Today, my husband picked up and threw a hammer which smashed a hole in the plastic side of the conservatory, that daylight and rain can now get through, all because he “thought” he saw a mouse, which turned out to be one of my fluffy slippers half hidden under a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 154

Expensive walk

By Yeahnooope - 16/07/2022 06:00

Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and got robbed at knifepoint. The robber made away with my phone, cash, and debit cards… and the French Bulldog I’m still making monthly payments for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 312

The spirit world

By ElixirRose - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 708

You deserved it 47 081

Yikes

By AAAAAAAAAAAAA - 11/07/2022 07:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I heard a scream that sounded suspiciously like my cat when he's just had a nightmare or is otherwise in a state of extreme distress. I found him chilling on my couch, so I walked back to my room, when I heard the scream again. I ran back and he was still chilling. It was my neighbor's son screaming outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 152

It's Caturday, respect our feline leaders

By believekimber - 09/07/2022 16:00

Today, I was feeding my pets and playing with my puppy when I suddenly felt something behind me. My cat is on the arm of the couch steadily spanking my butt with his paw. I can't win! FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 278

Meat is murder

By Ihatepigsnow - 07/07/2022 14:00

Today, I was at my uncle’s farm and his pig had piglets. They looked super adorable, so I picked one up. The poor thing started shrieking bloody murder. Mama pig wasn’t too happy. I have the stitches to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 1 316

Happy Caturday

By Cat Fight - 02/07/2022 15:00 - United States

Today, my cats started fighting again. Normally, I let them, because it's the only exercise they get. But this time one of my cats sliced the other's nose, and he responded by pinning her and nearly choking her to death. When I ran in to stop them, they teamed up against me. Ah, somethin' don't feel too good… FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 433

Harness or buggy?

By Anonymous - 30/06/2022 02:00

Today, I realized that I’m one of those freaks: I took my cat on a walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 299

You deserved it 670

Rats!

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 13:00 - United States - Pomona

Today, I'm feeling extremely sick and itchy. I'd bought rats as pets to help with my anxiety, and they gave me ringworm. I now have ringworm in about nine places on my body, including my face. I don’t know which one is worse, being dizzy from the medication or the itching. I’m feeling more anxious than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 607

It was an accident, I swear

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 00:00

Today, my new girlfriend has a purse dog, a chihuahua. The thing is so small, I didn’t see it, tripped over it, and my knee broke its back. It had to be put down. I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 387

It's an emergency!

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 07:00 - United States - Steele

Today, my "friend" almost killed both of my cats by feeding them chocolate donuts, even after I slapped one out of his hand and spelled out to him exactly why chocolate is bad for cats. Just to rub more salt into the wound, I got pulled over for speeding while I was driving like mad to get to the vet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 159

I'm outta here

By Anonymous - 25/06/2022 16:00

Today, my boyfriend's recently mated tarantula disappeared from her enclosure with her egg sac, so she's now somewhere in the house with between 20 and 100 babies hatching within a week. I moved out this afternoon. My boyfriend caused this, he can damn well find her before I set foot in there again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 204

You deserved it 141

The power of the cardboard box

By Never ever again - 23/06/2022 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I’m kicking myself for buying and setting up an elaborate cat tree I thought my cats would love. The second I was done, they walked over to it, sniffed around, and went to sleep in the box it came in instead, and won’t go near the darn thing. It might as well be a $200 cardboard box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 298

Hot hot hot

By Oops - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 952

You deserved it 2 021

Golden slumbers

By Monkey - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 239

You deserved it 5 655

Caturday surprise

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Fairview

Today, my kitten made it snow inside my house using a 12-pack of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 647

You deserved it 5 485

Bad boy

By WheresTheJustice - 15/06/2022 06:00

Today, my ex-boyfriend tried to poison my dog, all because I cheated on him. I’m getting bitched at for “breaking his heart” and “attempting to get him in trouble.” Nobody cares what he did to my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 1 252

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The Top

Today, I found out that the man I just married doesn't want to have children. We had this conversation multiple times with no problems before getting married, but now he would "rather die" than have children, because according to him, they would ruin his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 998

You deserved it 5 820

Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 725

You deserved it 6 586

Today, I canceled our wedding that was scheduled for tomorrow because my fiancee's father passed away unexpectedly this morning. She got furious when I told her, because she still wanted to go through with it, and said that her dad would have wanted us to. Now she's not speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158

You deserved it 678

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 489

You deserved it 4 448

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 486

You deserved it 4 971

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 482

You deserved it 4 251