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By donguigeek - 24/12/2015 04:32 - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 443

You deserved it 1 969

Scared to bed

By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 437

By Dexter_39476 - 24/01/2016 05:40 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "The Virgin Cave". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 463

You deserved it 2 830

Look! Look!

By skinnydick - 19/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Clifton Park

Spicy

Today, while riding the bus, I saw my ex-girlfriend get on. Despite several seats being open, she specifically sat next to me. I was at first happy, thinking she might want to make up. Nope, she instead blocked me in with her bag and spent the entire time showing me pictures of her new lover's dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 044

You deserved it 1 133

Noise annoys

By mandythepandy - 04/03/2017 04:00

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 573

You deserved it 1 069

By strawberry - 17/11/2015 17:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Spicy

Today, I went to see a movie with a seemingly nice guy after a friend set us up. As soon as the movie started, he unzipped his pants and told me to, "Get to it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 554

You deserved it 2 660

By Naofox - 29/03/2017 00:00

Today, I got frustrated looking for jobs and decided to take a quiz on best-fitting careers. My results speak for themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 882

You deserved it 381

By CassyM - 03/04/2017 10:00 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my 2-year-old asked for cake, so I told her I would make her one. I showed her two boxes of cake and asked which one she wanted. She picked one and happily tried opening it. She'd thought a fully cooked cake is in the box. Ever tried explaining baking to a toddler? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 517

You deserved it 824

By DontBeRude - 28/09/2015 04:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 477

You deserved it 3 877

By Anonymous - 23/06/2017 21:00 - Argentina

Today, I chose a new song to be the ringtone for my new cell phone. After waiting all day for someone to call me, I had to ask my husband, who was sitting right next to me, to call me or send me a message so I could hear how it sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 037

You deserved it 1 215

No bother

By Geese Ahoy - 14/11/2016 17:00 - United States - Elizabeth

Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 267

You deserved it 1 091

Oh Honey…

By And yes, he does also believe in the Illuminati. - 11/06/2017 22:00

Today, I learned that my new boyfriend seriously thinks that Inglorious Bastards is historically accurate and is actually the secret history of World War 2 being revealed to the public. Nothing I say will make him change his mind. I guess that relationship is a goner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 123

You deserved it 383

By Urinator - 16/09/2015 18:26 - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 770

You deserved it 1 923

By Anonymous - 18/06/2017 16:00

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 529

You deserved it 331

By timetraveler1854 - 03/11/2016 00:55 - United States - Nanuet

Today, I needed to cut something open so I asked my roommate to toss me my pocket knife from the counter. Apparently, he heard, "Open the knife then toss me it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 199

You deserved it 1 028

timetraveler1854 tells us more.

timetraveler1854 19

Sunday 13 November 2016 4:43

Oh man, this is my FML. I wasn't logged in when I published it. When my friend threw my knife to me, I tried knocking it away with the box I was holding but it grazed the back of my hand resulting in me needing stitches as it says in the title. And to the guy that says I shouldn't be doing cattle mutilations in my house, you don't see me walking into your home telling you what to do.

Premature

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 533

You deserved it 2 711

Giving

By nt121511 - 03/08/2016 22:40

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 150

You deserved it 1 158

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 03:14

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 391

You deserved it 1 342

By twit - 16/03/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 237 705

You deserved it 39 143

One of those people

By B-Ry - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 880

You deserved it 413

Mommy's boy

By simon - 11/01/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I'm now the laughing stock of my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 417

You deserved it 550

By Donewiththis - 21/06/2016 05:35

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 037

You deserved it 865

I like what you've done with the place

By Scammed - 05/06/2016 18:26 - Mexico - Mexicali

Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 837

You deserved it 1 404

Good morning!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if…" as he flung it around, and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 228

You deserved it 268

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

By EarScentedCandle - 27/05/2018 09:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 223

You deserved it 340

By Anonymous - 10/06/2018 15:00

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 183

You deserved it 279

Strawberry surprise

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, my husband got home and shouted he had a surprise for me. I shouted back that I hoped it was his tasty knob with strawberry lube. Nope, he'd picked up my grandparents for a visit now social isolation is being relaxed. They might be in their 80’s but they’re not deaf, unfortunately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 915

You deserved it 900

Thanks, I hate it!

By poorkids - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Auburn

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 428

You deserved it 4 159

By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 909

You deserved it 467

Fair Warning

By TheNoseKnows - 16/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Bronx

Spicy

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 903

You deserved it 2 604

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Keywords

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Today, I was at my job in the Dean of Students office. My boss gave me some papers to copy. As I was copying, I read in a report that my boyfriend was written up for "cohabitation" (having a girl stay over) at my Catholic university. The report was from a weekend I wasn't at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 420

You deserved it 4 212

Today, we have everything we can want: money, a house, two lovely kids, and great family relationships. My husband just asked for a divorce. He wants to blow all this up because we haven't had sex in over a decade, even though I gave him permission to masturbate to porn years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 1 580

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 023

You deserved it 6 757

Today, I have Lyme's disease. I caught it because we used alcohol on the area before we removed the tick that caused it. Apparently, that makes ticks vomit. I'm sick because a tick puked into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 172

Today, my ex-girlfriend called me say she needed her car repaired. I fixed it as fast as I could so she could get back on her way, only to find out she’s on her way to my friend's place to have her guts rearranged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 740

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 653

You deserved it 3 076