The Top

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By ke - 29/01/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 861

You deserved it 30 891

By alittlepersonal - 05/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 171

You deserved it 3 099

By Reasondon - 13/12/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, I found out my cousin had moved to Texas. I would have been okay with it, were it not for the fact that not only did I loan him $3,500, but I was supposed to go with him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 358

You deserved it 4 408

By ethawesome1125 - 03/11/2014 00:11 - United States - Round Rock

Today, I found a $20 bill on the ground, so I decided to pick it up. It was actually attached to a string and was meant to be a prank by some kids. They failed miserably, so I took the money. They ran up to me and punched me in the balls for taking their cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 508

You deserved it 7 501

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 16:14 - United States - Clarksburg

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 782

You deserved it 1 958

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 08:47 - United Kingdom - Bury

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her by another girl's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 979

You deserved it 30 321

By Anonymous - 02/07/2014 23:20 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 883

You deserved it 5 422

By UnluckyJulie - 02/11/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 395

You deserved it 2 703

Love language

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I noticed that whenever someone belches, I immediately think of my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 480

You deserved it 3 936

By not paid enough - 01/06/2014 21:03 - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 784

You deserved it 4 144

By Hollzbananza - 11/07/2015 14:30 - Australia

Today, I realised that my boyfriend gets a boner every time I cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 547

You deserved it 3 812

Hollzbananza tells us more.

Hollzbananza 15

Monday 13 July 2015 0:22

To answer some of the questions... Firstly, it's not like I cry every day.. we have been together for almost 4 years so he's seen me cry quite a bit over time. It's easy to notice when he's sitting in front of me or hugging me to console me. And if we're all being honest, sometimes it's just obvious that someone has a boner. My initial reaction was to be shocked and angrily ask if he likes to see me in pain but it's kind of hilarious when I'm not actually upset and crying. I agree that I don't think it's because he's trying to take advantage of me. Boners can have a mind of their own, and it could be an intimacy thing I guess since he's caring and always comforts me when I cry. Who knows... Thanks for the laughs, I enjoyed reading the comments :)

By Anonymous - 10/07/2015 17:07 - United States

Today, as always, I have a type of eczema that flares up when I'm stressed out or anxious. And today, the girl I've been in love with for 4 years asked me out on a date. We meet up in a few hours, and right now I look like I have smallpox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 632

You deserved it 1 754

By as-salamu alaykum, motherfucker - 05/04/2014 22:04 - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, I was having my birthday party. My dad showed up late, blind drunk, and drove his car straight through my garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 198

You deserved it 3 516

By Anonymous - 24/02/2014 15:21 - United States

Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 082

You deserved it 51 944

By Crushgonewrong - 22/06/2016 21:42 - United States - Compton

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 469

You deserved it 12 922

Weirdo

By ReineXre - 15/06/2016 00:00

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 522

You deserved it 735

Get back here!

By oceangirl - 08/02/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 219

You deserved it 2 469

Legality

By inpuredeceit - 17/03/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the 17 major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I heard her ask her assistant, "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 957

You deserved it 3 128

By Anonymous - 12/01/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 110

You deserved it 4 748

By jimmy_poison - 09/02/2015 00:19 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 256

You deserved it 2 942

By noname - 04/12/2008 05:55 - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 664

You deserved it 61 926

By lostinspace - 04/09/2013 16:24 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I couldn't sleep due to an awful head cold, so I stayed home from work. Apparently, the local high school marching band practices in the park across the street at 9am. They're doing the Imperial March music from Star Wars. They suck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 921

You deserved it 3 641

Spontaneous

By FullCircleProblem - 27/01/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 840

You deserved it 2 418

Snow day

By Charlie8u347 - 29/12/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 323

You deserved it 6 086

By hoplessG - 24/12/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 723

You deserved it 3 361

By Icci - 12/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 699

You deserved it 37 850

Little shit

By fuck kids - 06/06/2013 18:24 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turdwaffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 420

You deserved it 3 457

By t2t2sync - 03/08/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 568

You deserved it 5 733

By Anonymous - 27/04/2012 15:22 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 330

You deserved it 2 581

By justmylife - 21/08/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years called my house even though I was with him at the time. He needed to talk to my mom. He asked her to break up with me for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 767

You deserved it 3 152

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The Top

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 495

You deserved it 4 792

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 958

You deserved it 36 245

Today, I thought I’d preheat the car so I wouldn’t have to scrape the ice off the windshield and could start driving in a toasty vehicle. Turns out it’s a bit difficult to flip a switch on the dashboard of a car with the doors frozen shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 161

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 826

You deserved it 5 750

Today, is another day that my wife will choose anything over sex. I don't want to flirt with her anymore. If I can't have a normal sex life, I would rather embrace celibacy. I love her and was flirting with her daily up until now, but if she needs some other kind of confirmation to feel sexy, she can go ahead and find it. I'm done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 299

You deserved it 141

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 108

You deserved it 30 014