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By Anonymous - 05/10/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some Lean Pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 212

You deserved it 41 015

By D - 03/09/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 366

You deserved it 2 733

By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I convinced my teacher to let me resit a very important test I failed. I got a lower score the second time around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 568

You deserved it 35 870

By openmouthinsertfoot - 07/12/2010 17:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 669

You deserved it 41 964

By jo1429 - 31/10/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. While getting my things out of the car to bring into the tow truck, I noticed the handcuffs from my Halloween costume were still in the trunk. The tow truck driver noticed before I did, because he smiled, winked, and asked if I needed any more help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 581

You deserved it 5 380

By qhu - 23/10/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 021

You deserved it 37 280

By Black Cat 13 - 04/09/2010 06:52 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 159

You deserved it 3 518

Dating is hell

By CEO - 10/05/2014 02:37 - United States - Bristow

Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 711

You deserved it 6 505

Duh…

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 101

You deserved it 4 194

Invasion

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year-old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 193

You deserved it 7 979

By tax-man - 02/03/2013 02:35 - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 395

You deserved it 9 159

Bad sex

By izzie - 09/05/2010 14:15 - Canada

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 556

You deserved it 5 091

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 19:34 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I discovered that if I turn my shower off for a minute, then back on again, the water comes out scalding hot. I discovered that while the showerhead was pointed directly at my genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 251

You deserved it 9 560

By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 20:13 - United States - Rochester

Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 895

You deserved it 3 595

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 17:21 - United States - Latrobe

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 963

You deserved it 3 073

By hinowdie - 01/12/2012 10:00 - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 790

You deserved it 2 019

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 23:36 - Canada

Today, I left to go home for Christmas holidays. I got 3 hours away and realised I forgot the presents. Along with the engagement ring I was going to give to my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 587

You deserved it 13 964

Plans shelved

By Anonymous - 29/07/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 369

You deserved it 4 265

Panic! At the high tea

By Anonymous - 01/11/2013 01:11 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "To put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 109

You deserved it 9 432

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 18:10 - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 845

You deserved it 3 878

By Aphrodite - 23/01/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 158

You deserved it 7 752

Hawkeye

By hatesurf - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 106

You deserved it 10 184

One last thing…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 070

You deserved it 4 967

Run!

By Anonymous - 18/06/2009 10:37 - Australia

Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 708

You deserved it 54 683

By bglenney - 15/08/2013 09:47 - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 964

You deserved it 4 194

By Hairball - 10/12/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 670

You deserved it 3 163

By vansboy - 15/11/2010 04:26

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 964

You deserved it 3 652

Don't accept every dare

By wheezy - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 205

You deserved it 28 825

Overreaction time

By DayamyWuzHere - 24/11/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently, her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me, because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother, who didn't bother telling her who I was, because he "wanted to see what she would do." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 622

You deserved it 2 695

By hannahj88 - 16/10/2010 04:41 - Australia

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 309

You deserved it 3 307

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The Top

Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 431

You deserved it 8 861

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 084

You deserved it 3 561

Today, I tried joining a Roblox game, only to discover I was banned. According to the game's creator, it was because I'd exploited on an alt. The alt was an account intentionally impersonating me in order to frame me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 117

Today, I had my first poop at home after having my baby, and it was a total mess. I still have no strength in my legs so while trying to clean myself I fell and couldn’t get up. The only one in the house was my father-in-law, so he had to pick me up naked with poop down my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616

You deserved it 123

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 287

You deserved it 499

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 007

You deserved it 7 338