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That's enough of that

By really?!? - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Wendell

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart when it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

agreeclassic 35 387

vote type 1 4 547

By Subliminal message - 19/01/2014 23:21 - Switzerland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

agreeclassic 55 762

vote type 1 8 500

Useful

By Zach - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Lewes

Today, I found out the only reason my parents haven't kicked me out yet is because of my OCD which makes me clean the house every single day. FML

agreeclassic 34 686

vote type 1 3 750

By justpeachy - 08/03/2010 20:27 - United States

Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML

agreeclassic 33 584

vote type 1 2 553

By axsmith01 - 21/08/2009 06:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past five years asked me to move to California with her to get married. Naturally, I was thrilled and said, "Of course, when do you want to leave?". She just stared at me blankly and said, "Shit, I was kidding." FML

agreeclassic 49 702

vote type 1 5 759

axsmith01 app_comment_confession_title

axsmith01 0

Friday 21 August 2009 21:34

Today, it turns out I am the only bi-sexual woman in the world who doesn't know same-sex marriages in California are no longer legal. Double FML

It's business time

By anonymous - 17/03/2015 05:09 - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

agreeclassic 42 240

vote type 1 4 116

By ohgodwhy - 27/11/2012 23:46 - Canada - Brampton

Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

agreeclassic 24 399

vote type 1 1 832

Loosey-goosey

By knickersdontfit - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML

agreeclassic 29 390

vote type 1 8 265

By NairyAGoodIdea - 15/01/2015 21:05 - United States

Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML

agreeclassic 25 704

vote type 1 10 244

By ilovemom - 21/01/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

agreeclassic 33 272

vote type 1 6 670

By sammy77sam - 15/07/2013 13:41 - Saint Kitts and Nevis - Basseterre

Today, I told my girlfriend about my extreme fear of flying roaches. She immediately got upset because she thought, since I'm from the Caribbean, I would be "manlier" and "eat stuff like that for breakfast". FML

agreeclassic 47 694

vote type 1 4 962

By Wtfbruhimmovingout - 28/11/2015 02:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML

agreeclassic 23 505

vote type 1 5 533

Bad doggo

By babyboomerang - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

agreeclassic 55 251

vote type 1 6 836

Upfront

By kalisa anteater - 09/06/2013 20:49 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML

agreeclassic 51 354

vote type 1 4 949

By lonewolf2701 - 22/11/2009 09:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

agreeclassic 26 588

vote type 1 4 286

Clubbing tip

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

agreeclassic 30 076

vote type 1 7 082

By lifesuck - 19/09/2010 14:11 - United States

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

agreeclassic 33 592

vote type 1 3 783

By awkward - 26/09/2016 21:31 - United States - Oakland

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

agreeclassic 17 031

vote type 1 1 380

By Alex - 31/03/2009 04:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML

agreeclassic 27 763

vote type 1 89 139

By ticket - 06/10/2009 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a ticket for having my brights on. The street was pitch black and it was 1:30 in the morning. FML

agreeclassic 37 965

vote type 1 6 902

By Momma - 19/06/2010 07:47 - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

agreeclassic 24 083

vote type 1 30 781

You happened

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 09:13 - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

agreeclassic 42 515

vote type 1 7 858

By dammit - 01/02/2012 08:22 - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

agreeclassic 30 359

vote type 1 2 412

By lily389 - 21/03/2011 05:02

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML

agreeclassic 38 315

vote type 1 4 088

By Karl - 21/02/2011 11:43

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 34 773

vote type 1 5 981

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 23:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

agreeclassic 48 708

vote type 1 3 979

By okseñoryoucrazy - 02/02/2015 00:43 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

agreeclassic 34 065

vote type 1 3 003

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 01:37 - United States - Duarte

Spicy

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

agreeclassic 32 377

vote type 1 4 891

By loveletterbullcrap09 - 01/12/2009 08:22 - United States

Today, I cleaned out my husband's drawer. He had kept every love letter I wrote him for the past 7 years. I smiled, struck by how romantic he was. My bliss was short-lived as I realized that he had also kept every single love letter his other lovers wrote him while we were married. FML

agreeclassic 46 199

vote type 1 4 003

Phoenix0614 app_comment_confession_title

Phoenix0614 0

Tuesday 1 December 2009 19:24

I'm the one who wrote this FML. I was organizing the drawer because I was trying to find our passports. I confronted him, and he admitted to TWO affairs. A few months ago, when I got sick out of town and had emergency surgery (acute cholecystectomy), I was stuck there almost 2 weeks. He never visited me once, because of "work", even though it's less than 3 hours away. I looked at our bank account--day of my surgery, he was buying sushi for two, and then breakfast the next morning. Oh yeah, he also bought a trip for two to Vegas over Xmas break. A week ago, he told me, via text message, he filed for divorce. So yeah, FML, several times over.

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 21:10 - United States

Today, a funny smelling liquid was sprayed all over the computer. Last week, I told my fully pottytrained but extremely reluctant toddler that he couldn't play Barney games until he used the big boy toilet. A 4 year old's revenge really sucks. FML

agreeclassic 30 913

vote type 1 5 608

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Today, I was just beginning a calculus exam when my brain thought it was a good time to get stuck on the song "Close Every Door" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now that the exam is over, I'm afraid that I can foresee the future through song. FML

agreeclassic 649

vote type 1 169

Today, I learned that I have a sinus infection, ear infection and bronchitis so bad it was on the verge of pneumonia. My work won't let me call in sick. I work with kids. Lovely. FML

agreeclassic 22 445

vote type 1 1 438

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of three years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no-no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML

agreeclassic 49 668

vote type 1 9 585

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

agreeclassic 8 155

vote type 1 1 381

Today, my country announced that there will be 10 hours of power cuts starting from tomorrow. This basically means that if I want to begin my day at 8:00 am, it will only really get started at 6:00 pm, once the sun is down and the birds are done chirping. FML

agreeclassic 781

vote type 1 101

Today, after a five day bout of severe chronic constipation, I decided to get some orange juice and increase my water intake. The good news is that I'm no longer constipated. The bad news is that I've got diarrhea now. FML.

agreeclassic 341

vote type 1 110