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OP here. Technically this happened almost a year ago, and I wrote the FML from my new(er) laptop, which is a mac. It WAS true, and the desk light was a regular desk light, I had it like 8 inches from the screen (Toshiba laptop), and it melted the plastic all around the corner of my screen and onto my screen. When I rescued it, I could see into the cords and everything inside. so yea.

Casual perv

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me, "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 532

You deserved it 6 044

By Anonymous - 22/04/2014 03:00 - United States

Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of wine and still be sober. This means I've built immunity to the last thing that can make me want to have sex with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 384

You deserved it 15 565

By ouch - 26/06/2010 14:23 - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 735

You deserved it 8 995

Quick as rainbows

By bonehead69 - 31/05/2015 07:06 - United States - Taylorville

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 711

You deserved it 5 415

By dynah114 - 27/01/2013 19:08 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 377

You deserved it 2 490

I'm not paid enough for this shit

By geoduck - 10/02/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 766

You deserved it 4 679

By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 06:19 - United States - Avon

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 470

You deserved it 3 560

By mimiani - 05/11/2011 23:58 - Nigeria

Today, I watched Change-Up with my dad. He made us leave half-way through the movie, because he thought I was too young to watch a movie this explicit. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 798

You deserved it 3 263

mimiani tells us more.

mimiani 7

Sunday 6 November 2011 15:12

I am a woman and it was really awkward watching it with my dad.

Creepy

By Dummy - 10/11/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 650

You deserved it 16 077

By Anonymous - 02/10/2010 04:28 - United States

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 457

You deserved it 41 348

By dammit33 - 28/05/2012 13:55 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 810

You deserved it 8 919

By jessica238 - 08/04/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 988

You deserved it 47 346

By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 10:56 - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 239

You deserved it 6 135

By Anonymous - 03/04/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 212

You deserved it 14 822

Oh lawd, he comin'

By logkitty - 10/04/2012 04:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gunpoint, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 603

You deserved it 12 862

The abyss

By The_HML - 24/03/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung on the balls by a jellyfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 998

You deserved it 11 171

By BMTH2296 - 21/03/2014 23:42 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 415

You deserved it 8 445

By Anonymous - 22/09/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 101

You deserved it 53 034

By alex - 24/02/2012 21:35 - United States

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 762

You deserved it 34 262

By Noname - 07/01/2009 15:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 489

You deserved it 56 549

By -__-" - 29/09/2013 05:45 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 580

You deserved it 4 554

By melonhead - 14/01/2010 08:46 - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 906

You deserved it 3 730

By what - 26/11/2010 19:17 - United States

Today, while shopping, a few giggling girls came up to me and asked why I was wearing a dress in public. Highly confused, I didn't answer. When they walked away laughing, I realized they thought I was a man. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 493

You deserved it 4 170

By anon - 04/12/2009 10:35 - Australia

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside, but the cheque was addressed to the wrong name. Not only did my own aunt forget my name, I couldn't even bank the $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 200

You deserved it 2 739

By SofaKingPretty - 26/07/2014 23:40 - United States - Pasadena

Today, despite all of the empty seats on the bus, a man sat next to me. So close to me that our legs touched. After a few moments of silence, he got closer and whispered in my ear, "You're so quiet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 029

You deserved it 3 613

SofaKingPretty tells us more.

SofaKingPretty 13

Wednesday 6 August 2014 19:52

I'm in Cali for the summer and don't really know the bus system so I ended up on the bus (after getting on the wrong one) late at night. As anyone would be, I was very bothered when he sat so close to me. I was already freaked out but what really got my heart pounding was when he whispered that into my ear. But as it turned out, he was partially blind. A woman had gotten on with him at the same stop and he thought I was her. They both apologized for the mistake. I'm just glad he wasn't a psycho.

By Username - 02/08/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, it was a warm day out so I left my car windows slightly open while I was at work. One of the local bums apparently thought this was a perfect opportunity to use my open driver's side window as a barf receptacle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 337

You deserved it 9 688