The Top

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By sad - 05/11/2012 07:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I was eating a fancy dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant. Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, who was seemingly still angry after our breakup 2 years ago, saw me through the window. She walked in, took my spaghetti dinner, shoved it in my face, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 858

You deserved it 3 490

By UUUGHHH - 05/02/2016 20:33 - France - Villejuif

Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth, and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 201

You deserved it 2 725

By Anonymous - 12/08/2012 17:25 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I found out that ever since I got my blonde highlights, I've been mocked behind my back at work, and nicknamed "The Skunk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 904

You deserved it 13 428

Relevant

By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 04:09 - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother, who passed last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 153

You deserved it 2 697

By Dancing King - 07/08/2014 15:36 - Norway - Egersund

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 367

You deserved it 43 299

Nice try, dude

By bigbill - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 001

You deserved it 3 117

By crucets - 06/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 209

You deserved it 57 491

By MadSon - 11/10/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 063

You deserved it 4 120

Ahem

By Bucko321 - 30/03/2009 01:18 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were feeling a little naughty, so we started talking dirty. I was really into describing a sweaty sex scene, when I heard my dad cough. He had picked up the other house phone to make a call, and had heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 755

You deserved it 78 378

Creepy crawlies

By John - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Saint Lucia

Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 031

You deserved it 3 084

By Anonymous - 22/03/2014 22:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 602

You deserved it 6 179

By Anonymous - 18/09/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was in my psychology class taking the hardest test ever. After I spent most of the period trying to fill in the few answers that I knew, I looked up to see everyone with their notebooks on their desks. It was an open-note test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 085

You deserved it 58 261

By pacificbeach - 02/03/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 598

You deserved it 55 206

By jdrew32 - 04/02/2013 02:17 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, after nearly 5 months of trying for a baby, I found out my wife has continued to take the pill as it gave her a better idea of her cycle and thus when she'd be "most fertile". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 569

You deserved it 5 140

By -_-" - 11/01/2014 23:13 - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 224

You deserved it 9 056

Surprise!

By ilana - 10/02/2012 09:51 - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 446

You deserved it 3 348

Ouch

By anon - 14/04/2015 00:51 - United States

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 541

You deserved it 3 798

Treasure hunt

By Catois - 05/03/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 785

You deserved it 13 243

By sarahcurtis213 - 13/11/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 067

You deserved it 5 337

Chill

By daisyann - 15/07/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 691

You deserved it 55 619

By Anonymous - 08/10/2012 05:31 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 458

You deserved it 4 859

Seniors!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 3 476

By Anonymous - 14/07/2013 19:37 - Brazil - Campinas

Today, while mourning my friend's recent passing, my dad told me to shut the fuck up because "worse things are going on in the world". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 794

You deserved it 4 675

By love_to_live - 28/07/2012 04:17 - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 822

You deserved it 22 554

By sonofmilf - 17/05/2009 05:46 - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store when a couple of my co-workers called a code pink in aisle 22, which means there was an attractive woman in that aisle. After hearing about how hot she was, I went over to see her for myself. It was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 967

You deserved it 6 420

Bad pig!

By otter - 17/08/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 680

You deserved it 16 663

WAURGH

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 953

You deserved it 4 272

By Anonymous - 29/04/2013 16:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 801

You deserved it 13 345

By smarty - 16/10/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I bought a safe. I put all of my most prized possessions in it, including all of my jewelry, family heirlooms and important papers. Oh, and just before I locked it up, I put the key to the safe in there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 623

You deserved it 50 267

By Anonymous - 08/08/2015 04:02 - United States - Portland

Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 171

You deserved it 3 706

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The Top

Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 702

You deserved it 84 841

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 745

You deserved it 720

Today, I saw an elderly woman drop $20 while shopping. Trying to be a good samaritan, I picked it up and tried to hand it back to her. She accused me of stealing it and beat me with her purse. The manager had to fend her off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 092

You deserved it 1 565

Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 426

You deserved it 3 035

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 250

You deserved it 4 170

Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 856

You deserved it 468