The Top

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By Samantha - 30/10/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 with my boyfriend. In hopes of him putting his arm around me or holding my hand, I told him that I was very scared and pretended to cry a little. He told me to be quiet because I was ruining the movie for him. Then he moved seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 219

You deserved it 42 955

By aishyaslife89 - 06/10/2015 22:03 - United States - Dayton

Today, I found out that when I was 4 I killed my bunny by drowning it. Apparently, my aunt bribed me to do it because it pooped in her shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 989

You deserved it 2 525

By 18emikot - 04/08/2015 03:26 - United States - Big Lake

Today, my local USPS delivery man refused to deliver any more packages to my house, because in the past, my dogs have barked at him and he feels threatened. He also filed a complaint about our house because apparently my driveway has branches that, to him, are considered "hazardous." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 896

You deserved it 4 080

18emikot tells us more.

18emikot 20

Tuesday 4 August 2015 16:02

We have a Chihauhau and a Springer. The Chihauhau rarely goes out and only has a few teeth left so I doubt she could hurt someone. Our Springer is a sweetheart, she's all bark but no bite. Whoever she goes out she wears a bark collar and the remote is always by someone's side. There are no protruding branches in our driveway. None. We trim them regularly.

By I suck :( - 07/05/2014 21:25 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was trolling on a My Little Pony forum. I was midway through typing a big post, calling them all a bunch of attention-seeking losers who act like morons because their parents never loved them, when I broke down in tears, realizing I'd just perfectly described myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 030

You deserved it 63 002

Then it hit me

By clu - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 020

You deserved it 37 810

Tricksters

By Werner - 02/03/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 666

You deserved it 67 539

By mandy_2480 - 19/02/2012 02:08 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 249

You deserved it 4 946

By kitchencrime - 28/08/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 826

You deserved it 4 500

By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/03/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 486

You deserved it 3 764

By stoopidpoop - 05/02/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend's father that I wanted to talk about his daughter. I then went on to tell him I was thinking about 'popping the cherry', instead of 'popping the question'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 086

You deserved it 13 842

By girlfromnowhere - 23/02/2016 11:06 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 758

You deserved it 2 127

By ak_6694 - 22/09/2012 07:29 - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, my roommate came out of the bathroom, and asked me how the scales knew her weight in both pounds and kilos, even though "the exchange rate is always changing." I actually live with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 645

You deserved it 2 200

ak_6694 tells us more.

ak_6694 16

Sunday 23 September 2012 6:12

For anyone who is interested, she has taken it with good humour and is still laughing about it. It's one of those electronic scales, so I did briefly get her to believe that due to the GFC, the scales would say she was putting on more pounds than kilos before I came clean with the truth.

By Anonymous. - 31/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, the guy I've been texting told me he loved me and he couldn't wait to make me his wife, and he couldn't wait for us to have kids and grow old together. I've only known him for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 639

You deserved it 5 024

By person123abc - 09/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 391

You deserved it 4 164

Creeper

By Anonymous - 21/04/2013 23:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 019

You deserved it 4 201

By Caroline - 24/02/2013 09:34 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I went to the doctor to get a blood test and I started crying when I saw the needle. I planned on becoming a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 160

You deserved it 13 544

By Nico - 16/02/2013 01:37 - France - Asnières

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 227

You deserved it 3 199

By Eric - 27/02/2012 21:58 - United States

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 327

You deserved it 24 634

By Kurda - 23/05/2015 02:26 - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 537

You deserved it 2 768

Special ingredient

By Laviolette - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 310

You deserved it 40 504

By Anonymous - 25/04/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 142

You deserved it 3 003

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:32 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 293

You deserved it 19 026

By Eskyew - 23/07/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 796

You deserved it 9 021

By hnickell93 - 09/10/2012 01:55 - United States - Visalia

Today, I was consoling my drunk husband as he violently emptied his stomach contents into our toilet. One particular retch made me nauseous, and I vomited all down his back, causing him to turn his head and vomit all over the wall. I got to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 766

You deserved it 5 415

By Username - 22/11/2010 22:39

Today, I admitted to my boyfriend of three years that I have been suffering from depression for a while now. He took it as a good time to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 456

You deserved it 4 376

Great work, son

By firestar772 - 12/06/2013 06:21 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 842

You deserved it 5 476

Great story, tell it again!

By BrianTheLion89 - 06/06/2012 21:37 - United States

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 668

You deserved it 3 762

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 235

You deserved it 10 498

By BEE - 10/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 244

You deserved it 47 553

Good boy

By fall3nrain - 11/09/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was trying to keep myself occupied due to my recent breakup. I was reading this book someone gave me about animal communication, so after a while, I figured I'd give it a shot. Then it dawned on me; I'm single, at home on a Friday night, and I'm trying to talk to my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 829

You deserved it 7 185

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The Top

Today, the guy I was hooking up with said he wasn’t “looking for anything serious.” That’s not what he told me when I agreed to the hookups with a promise of becoming something more. When I mentioned this to him, he said, “Well, that was before I knew what you looked like naked.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 579

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 652

You deserved it 3 247

Today, I found out my boyfriend of almost 10 years was/is a Sugar Daddy to a girl I know, for the past 7 months or so. I found out through a mutual friend.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 109

Today, unbeknownst to me, my wife cancelled our airplane tickets because she didn't want to face her fear of flying like we had agreed. Now, we're going to have to take another week off so I can drive 3000 miles cross country, while she sleeps in the shotgun seat because her licence expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 573

You deserved it 587

Today, the guy I've been seeing decided to "test the theory" that I can't drink alcohol due to a liver condition by mixing some into my drinks. He then complained that my ceaseless vomiting made his bathroom smell bad, and only took me to hospital when I started having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 094

You deserved it 359

Today, I realized my habit of asking people for money came to an all time high when I asked a girl to Cash App me $5 through Instagram. She literally sent me A PENNY, said, “Quit fucking asking me for money fam” and then blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100

You deserved it 2 046