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Hello! OP, here. I appreciate the comments, especially the hilarious sarcasm and puns haha! :D So here's the full story: I just came out of the gym after P.E. (before the bell rang so everybody was still in class) and there was this kid like 30 ft away (going to the bathroom, I assume) and since my hair was really messy, I took out my brush, which is one of those full-size brushes that folds. So apparently this kid thought I had a pocket knife or a switchblade or something because of the way I unfolded the brush (image the same motion you would use to crack a whip or flick a wand or whatever - that's how I opened it because my hands were full). Also, I guess the kid thinks that I brush my hair with a yellow knife...? Anyway, he reported me. I got sent to the Dean and I explained what happened and showed him the "weapon." Luckily, he believed me and not that shit-for-brains kid, so I didn't actually get expelled.

FitBitch

By Anonymous - 22/02/2015 16:09 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 040

You deserved it 2 167

By PictureLess - 10/01/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 846

You deserved it 38 245

By Lee - 21/06/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparents' house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony… until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 853

You deserved it 4 147

Oversharing is caring

By Lauren - 12/10/2011 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year-old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation, and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 489

You deserved it 2 868

By gavinbanks - 21/07/2013 22:55 - United States - Medford

Today, I asked this really cute girl for her number. I had nothing else on me so I told her to write it on a dollar bill. Later, without thinking, I put it in a vending machine. I freaked out and frantically pushed the return button. It gave me back quarters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 777

You deserved it 26 685

gavinbanks tells us more.

gavinbanks 13

Saturday 24 August 2013 22:27

Hey everyone! Op here, thought I'd clear some things up. I had my phone on me but it was dead that night. I actually saw the girl again last night at another party, I told her the story and she have me her number again! Everything worked out for the best I guess, Thanks for the funny comments everyone!!!

By whyarewerelated - 08/09/2011 15:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 111

You deserved it 2 865

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 08:40 - France

Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 535

You deserved it 3 995

Think of the environment

By Anonyname - 18/05/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody, and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned broodmare." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 918

You deserved it 10 619

By ThisPerson - 19/05/2011 10:11 - Canada

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 276

You deserved it 6 696

By jill - 25/02/2014 16:59 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 088

You deserved it 8 191

Dodgy

By jsw029 - 26/02/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and, about 30 seconds in, he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek, and leaves. It turns out that he'd already came. I called his phone - wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 213

You deserved it 20 942

By ILiveWithMorons - 12/04/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 405

You deserved it 3 346

By Anonymous - 08/02/2012 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 044

You deserved it 3 513

Mixed signals

By Intheway - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the guy I've been dating told me that I need to stop hanging on him in public because it's ruining his game with other girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 717

You deserved it 6 182

By roommateprobssss:( - 11/12/2012 15:57 - United States

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 297

You deserved it 2 635

By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 087

You deserved it 3 880

By jailofc - 07/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Flagstaff

Today, I was bitched out by my supervisor because of my lack of "customer service" skills. I work at a jail and all my "customers" are criminals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 235

You deserved it 4 695

jailofc tells us more.

jailofc 1

Thursday 8 November 2012 2:01

Hey everyone I am the OP, I am a CO at a very "nice" jail as I like to think, we treat our inmates with respect as long as they show respect back ( I didn't mean to start a political debate here haha). Basically, I thought it was stupid to be bitched out about my "customer service" because that is a very strange thing to say about a jail, where SAFETY and SECURITY should be priority. And frankly, I don't believe my *accused* criminals should be served in any other way besides providing safety and security.

By smileytheface - 06/12/2011 03:54 - United States

Today, my car got stolen. While I was standing ten feet away from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 754

You deserved it 7 184