The Top

To answer all of Qs.. I am a straight girl, no she's not fat. she just couldn't see it therefore it was difficult to apply medicine. I did it because I am a good friend and she told me to put it up on FML lol. turns out it wasn't a spider bite afterall though, she has a staph infection on he ass,

By Brian - 18/03/2012 02:32 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 230

You deserved it 5 121

I’m going on an adventure!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family has nicknamed me "The Hobbit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 793

You deserved it 4 377

By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 275

You deserved it 4 265

Supernatural

By rongo12 - 11/05/2012 21:41

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 984

You deserved it 6 862

By Anonymous - 19/06/2011 01:11 - Canada

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 848

You deserved it 3 763

By heartbrokenhaley - 23/01/2014 20:57 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 721

You deserved it 5 593

By 2classicNot2 - 09/04/2011 07:52 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 782

You deserved it 34 939

Scary!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 249

You deserved it 5 891

By Anonymous - 24/09/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 529

You deserved it 6 783

By Anonymous - 21/02/2011 03:28 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 383

You deserved it 5 003

By Anonymous - 12/05/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 855

You deserved it 15 024

It's something

By RosesAreRed - 15/02/2013 06:07 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 244

You deserved it 4 452

Squirting the night away

By svet - 22/02/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 536

You deserved it 84 310

FML Uncensored

By Nightmares - 07/08/2012 02:00 - United States

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 757

You deserved it 8 336

By A-64 - 08/05/2012 20:48 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 420

You deserved it 5 228

Get rid of him

By Anonymous - 01/11/2014 18:59 - United States - Deatsville

Today, my boss is still refusing to fire my psychotic coworker, who's made it his mission to insult, annoy, bully and threaten me every day into making me quit. My boss is convinced the guy just has "assburger's" and that the company would get sued if we fired him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 019

You deserved it 3 502

Fashionista

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 625

You deserved it 5 731

By Anonymous - 05/04/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6-year-old patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131 755

You deserved it 8 296

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 12:08 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 943

You deserved it 2 963

By nofrickenway - 25/04/2012 00:08 - United States - Newport News

Today, I found out that my unemployed and very needy mother-in-law will be moving in with us soon. And during my conversation on the phone with her, she expects us to buy a house and my wife and I can "live with her." My wife agrees with all of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 996

You deserved it 2 742

By Heartbroken - 20/06/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 391

You deserved it 4 310

By girly - 12/04/2012 04:06 - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 638

You deserved it 52 727

By Anonymous - 17/03/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 438

You deserved it 7 815

By fmylyfe - 09/11/2013 14:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while I was working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 916

You deserved it 3 971

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 368

You deserved it 5 120

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 366

You deserved it 3 842

Today, I dated my friend’s ex-crush, but she was mad about it. I know about "Girl Code" but the thing is they never dated, so it didn’t count. She’s also in a relationship now with a different dude, so either she hasn't moved on from him or she feels possessive of him. Now I "don’t belong" to their friend group anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 216

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 289

You deserved it 3 693

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 157

You deserved it 3 945

Today, I found out my husband’s obsession with Hentai. Dozens of pictures and videos of half-naked Japanese anime girls. The most horrifying thing was the fact that he’s actually in a sexual relationship with his secretary, who is a petite Asian girl. I’ve just given birth to our second child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 203