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By Degueusement - 18/08/2014 04:48 - France - Puteaux

Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML

agreeclassic 49 821

vote type 1 11 027

By Anonymous - 19/09/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my unemployed boyfriend and I went to the casino. I gave him twenty dollars to play on. He won $1000 on a dollar machine then jackpotted the ten dollar machine for $20,000. When we got home he broke up with me. I have been working two jobs to get our own place. Move in Date?? 2 weeks. FML

agreeclassic 49 821

vote type 1 5 178

By StockedWithJuice - 06/07/2013 15:14 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

agreeclassic 49 820

vote type 1 5 339

Thrifty

By why - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

agreeclassic 49 819

vote type 1 3 803

Hangry

By emilyparker - 01/09/2014 02:55 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

agreeclassic 49 819

vote type 1 5 252

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML

agreeclassic 49 817

vote type 1 20 534

By soccerscout7 - 08/02/2011 12:48

Today, I was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers, because my stomach has been hurting for a few months. To wish me luck, one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach. I threw up blood. FML

agreeclassic 49 812

vote type 1 3 171

By Selina - 22/06/2013 22:59 - United States - Trenton

Today, my dad invited our very cute neighbor inside to introduce him to me. I was wearing pajamas and hadn't showered in two days due to being extremely sick. FML

agreeclassic 49 812

vote type 1 5 326

By unknown - 07/04/2013 04:26 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, a couple stopped me on the beach to take a picture of them kissing in front of the sunset. I agreed feeling generous, until they continued making out after the picture was taken, leaving me standing there awkwardly with their camera. FML

agreeclassic 49 810

vote type 1 5 327

Crazy

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

agreeclassic 49 807

vote type 1 5 267

Get out clause

By lanz4949 - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Calgary

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

agreeclassic 49 805

vote type 1 3 845

By Anonymous - 29/05/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

agreeclassic 49 805

vote type 1 8 634

Everyone's a critic

By not_dead_yet - 28/06/2009 07:54 - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people whose work was also there. When we got back, police were everywhere. Someone had broken in and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

agreeclassic 49 803

vote type 1 5 309

By Kewl_Kat - 24/07/2014 23:24 - United States - Townshend

Today, I went on a date with an extremely cute girl. About 30 minutes in, she excused herself to the restroom. I waited for about 20 minutes, then I got up and left. About 10 minutes later, she called asking where I was. FML

agreeclassic 49 802

vote type 1 14 451

Kewl_Kat app_comment_confession_title

Kewl_Kat 9

Saturday 26 July 2014 1:50

UPDATE: We cleared it up, and are currently planning a second date. Turns out she wasn't feeling well. It all ended up working out c:

By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 21:48 - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

agreeclassic 49 801

vote type 1 3 297

By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 01/04/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

agreeclassic 49 788

vote type 1 6 743

By cbarebo - 11/10/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

agreeclassic 49 784

vote type 1 3 703

By ydahs - 08/05/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML

agreeclassic 49 783

vote type 1 19 627

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 09:24 - Australia

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

agreeclassic 49 783

vote type 1 6 945

By luckycharmed - 17/06/2014 17:34 - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

agreeclassic 49 778

vote type 1 4 395

By Anonymous - 13/07/2009 13:09 - Canada

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

agreeclassic 49 777

vote type 1 4 166

By Anonymous - 07/07/2014 01:27 - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

agreeclassic 49 776

vote type 1 5 650

By australian6196 - 05/02/2014 02:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

agreeclassic 49 775

vote type 1 7 483

By thatguy - 25/06/2011 07:47 - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML

agreeclassic 49 771

vote type 1 2 991

Wanker

By Why son, why? - 20/03/2013 11:07 - United States

Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML

agreeclassic 49 765

vote type 1 6 815

By WasntWorthIt - 30/07/2014 17:04 - United States - Concord

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

agreeclassic 49 764

vote type 1 5 887

By BabyDaddy - 30/05/2010 08:05 - Australia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

agreeclassic 49 761

vote type 1 9 812

By crop circle galore - 06/09/2014 02:36 - United States

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

agreeclassic 49 760

vote type 1 3 222

By Biological - 11/02/2010 12:22 - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

agreeclassic 49 760

vote type 1 3 497

By Nish - 03/07/2013 08:11 - United States - Kent

Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML

agreeclassic 49 759

vote type 1 4 181

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Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, who I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

agreeclassic 10 778

vote type 1 1 658

Today, my now ex-boyfriend was kind enough to let me live on the couch because I have nowhere to go. I have to see the homewrecker he cheated on me with everyday, and hear them have blood curdling sex every night. FML

agreeclassic 1 416

vote type 1 421

Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML

agreeclassic 4 667

vote type 1 338

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

agreeclassic 29 233

vote type 1 4 635

Today, my fiancé of over 5 years and I split, since I don't want kids and he does, which I have told him throughout our relationship. It gets better: we live in a house that his father owns and his father wants me out… in a fucking week. FML

agreeclassic 1 327

vote type 1 716

Today, I was at work and got chest pains and a headache so bad, I vomited. My supervisor took my blood pressure twice and it was dangerously high both times. I went to the hospital, and after 3 hours of waiting, I got the most expensive lecture ever on drinking too many energy drinks. FML

agreeclassic 574

vote type 1 2 827