Sex

Sweet summer child

Anonymous - 06/06/2022 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend has so many hang ups about being good at sex that when we actually had sex for the first time this morning, he got upset that I was touching my clit while he was inside me. Apparently it was a sign I think he’s bad at it, and had to do it myself. Neither of us orgasmed today. FML

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It's my own cheating heart that makes me cry

Anonymous - 05/06/2022 22:00

Today, I found out my mom is still cheating on my dad with her ex boyfriend from her teenage years. She was caught last year, but apparently it's still going on. FML

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Relax, don't do it…

Anonymous - 05/06/2022 08:00 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I met up with a guy who I've hooked up with 2-3 times before. He gives amazing head. I was sitting on my couch and he was on his knees on the floor in front of me. He was doing his thing, it was incredible and all of a sudden, I didn't even feel it coming, I farted on his chest. FML

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Definitely maybe

Anonymous - 05/06/2022 00:00

Today, my marriage is more or less over, as my wife is so career-obsessed that when I asked if we could spend some time together, she rolled her eyes and gave me permission to sleep with other women, since sex is all I think about. I didn’t ask for sex, just time together. Definitely over I think. FML

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Sounds like a Wednesday

Anonymous - 03/06/2022 22:00

Today, I hooked up with a guy on Tinder, but halfway through sex, his wife came home. As I stumbled back into my own house, I realised with my new lingerie and two lots of taxi fares, I’d spent £170 and all it got me was one glass of wine, one mouthful of cum, and a black eye from his wife. FML

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Hot hot hot

Anonymous - 03/06/2022 12:00

Today, I'm in hospital. During date night, after sex was over, I reached for my whiskey. I was already so drunk, I accidentally picked up the lit candle which was in a glass roughly the same size as my whiskey glass, and poured melted wax in my mouth, up my nose, and in my eyes. FML

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Gone to the dogs

Anonymous - 02/06/2022 22:00

Today, my girlfriend started crying because I occasionally text a work friend, for whom I have zero interest in. My girlfriend's medication has completely killed her sex drive and she no longer wants to be touched at all. She acts like hanging out with anyone is a chore. My social interaction is down to just our dogs. FML

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Silver linings

KANCHI - 02/06/2022 17:30 - India - Gurgaon

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the middle of great sex when he suddenly called out his ex's name. Just before I decided to yell at him and throw him out of my room, I realised he performed better when he yelled her name. So, I let him. FML

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Humblebrag much?

Anonymous - 02/06/2022 00:00 - United States

Today, my fling with a local waiter ended. I'm studying for a professional designation exam, I make $130k/year, and I have a lake house in the mountains. He smokes pot in his mom's basement, has been arrested for stealing, has totaled 3 cars, and would rather collect unemployment than work. He dumped me. FML

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Sucks to suck

Lila - 31/05/2022 16:00 - United States - Port Orange

Today, after several months of starting an antidepressant at the same time as my husband, I have horrible side effects, including weight gain, drowsiness, and acne. His only side effect? He can now only achieve an orgasm through oral stimulation. Lucky me. FML

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The end of an era

Anonymous - 30/05/2022 06:00

Today, after I've climbed some of the world's tallest mountains before I was 30, including Everest, now thanks to Covid, plus a genetic lung condition I inherited from my absentee bastard father, I have to stop for breath halfway up the stairs, and sex can make me so lightheaded I pass out. FML

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Hot revenge

Anonymous - 30/05/2022 00:01

Today, halfway through a blowjob, my girlfriend bit my penis because she suddenly decided that she was still annoyed at me for an argument we had last week. FML

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By comparison, I'm doing OK

Anonymous - 29/05/2022 12:00

Today, with my relationship in shambles, I reached out to my cousin who has been separated for a year. I asked her if she had any regrets, she said, “I wish I’d done what he said and sucked off his friend.” My spending issues now seems manageable. FML

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Silver linings

Anonymous - 27/05/2022 06:00

Today, during sex with my new boyfriend, he gave me such an intense oral sex orgasm, I clenched my jaw and broke one of my back teeth. FML

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Craving it

Anonymous - 26/05/2022 00:01

Today, I realized how low my husband's libido has gotten over the years. He has zero intention of trying anything to fix it, no matter how hard I try. I don't even think I'm horny anymore as much as intimately touched starved. He ran his hand down my back in passing and I almost burst into tears. FML

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Classic

Armando - 24/05/2022 02:00

Today, my now-ex fiancée actually took another man’s penis out of her mouth and had the audacity to shout, “Babe, it’s not what it looks like!” FML

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The Kinks

Anonymous - 23/05/2022 22:00

Today, my dad found out that there are others like him in this world. They're called furries. FML

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No thanks!

Anonymous - 23/05/2022 09:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, my husband thought I might want to get intimate. I've never seen someone vacate a room so quickly. FML

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This is a low

Anonymous - 23/05/2022 06:00

Today, I’m at a low point. I sank low enough to ask a coworker I don’t even like for a pity shag to boost my self esteem. The sex was great, excellent even, but when he left this morning I now feel even lower because I feel cheap and nasty, and I almost had to beg for someone to have sex with me. FML

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Suspicious activity

should I be worried? - 22/05/2022 22:00

Today, my girlfriend, who got married at 19 and divorced at 30, told me how much she regretted wasting all her “hot years” being a good and faithful wife to her ex. Oh and that she never got a “hoe-phase” in college like her friends. I think she’s fishing for my permission to cheat. I’m confused. FML

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Classic

Anonymous - 22/05/2022 06:00

Today, I realised I fit the stereotype of a lonely, bored housewife when I was more turned on by the plumber fixing the boiler than I have been by my husband in at least a year. FML

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Time for some DIY

Anonymous - 20/05/2022 22:00

Today, my husband and I were home alone and we wanted to do the nasty multiple times before our kids got back from school. He lasted less than two minutes, then fell asleep. It's been 6 weeks since my last orgasm. FML

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Gastropod scandal

Anonymous - 20/05/2022 04:00

Today, one of my aquatic snails banged my other aquatic snail til they both died. FML

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Raise the mood

leelee50 - - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said, "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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Modern life is rubbish

Anonymous - 18/05/2022 22:00

Today, despite the fact of learning I'm now over 300 pounds, causing a major blow to my self-esteem, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband if he wanted a blowjob. Unfortunately, he's trying out new mental meds and they've killed his sex drive. FML

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Quandary

Anonymous - 18/05/2022 12:00

Today, my nana died today of a heart attack in her sleep. I’ll never know if there was something I could have done, because while it was happening I was upstairs with a dildo, as it’s been a month since I had sex and I had the urge. I feel so selfish and ashamed. FML

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Body issues

Anonymous - 17/05/2022 00:01

Today, I tried to encourage my spouse to come with me and work out a bit, figuring it would help us both get be healthier and be something to do together. I got told she had no desire to get healthy or look attractive, and that I should find a "Fuck buddy" instead. What? FML

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TMI

Anonymous - 16/05/2022 14:00

Today, I don’t know what my twin sister sees in her new boyfriend, he’s such a creep. I assume that last night they had sex for the first time, because he came up to me, grinning that stupid creepy grin of his, and said to my face that, since were twins, he now knows what my anus looks like too. FML

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So romantic

Anonymous - 16/05/2022 10:00

Today, if I want to be sexually attracted to my wife, I need to be very drunk, but if I'm very drunk there's about a 2/3 chance I'll have whisky dick. Before you ask, we've been married over 40 years, so there's no point in divorcing, we've been together too long, so who else would want to shag us except each other? FML

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This charming man

Anonymous - 15/05/2022 22:00

Today, my date from last night sent a text obviously meant for his brother or a friend, which said, and I quote, “Bro I tried all those psychological tricks you taught me to get her to want to suck my dick but she didn’t offer even once, now I got blue balls and I had to pay for her meal too.” FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, during my yearly review, I was told by my boss that mistakes in my paperwork will be investigated by our company legal team. He also said, "Think of them as the TV or movie version of Internal Affairs" and said that I would be considered "guilty until proven innocent." I can't afford to quit. FML

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Today, I shaved my legs. I received endless compliments about how great they looked, and how jealous all the girls were. I'm a guy who shaved them for a themed party, for which I dressed up as a girl. FML

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Who's the chicken now, punk?

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Today, my date decided not to have sex with me after she saw I wear Y-fronts, Tighty Whities to some of you, instead of boxers, so she couldn’t take me seriously as a grown man wearing underwear normally worn by children under 10 years-old. FML

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Today, I found an empty parking space in a crowded parking lot. When I came back later, a lady and a cop were standing by my car. Her car used to be parked there and got stolen. They think I'm involved. FML

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Today, my daughter is still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

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