Alcohol

So, you guys bangin' or what?

By kiwi2323 - 26/09/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 487

You deserved it 3 378

Basic night out

By Anonymous - 05/02/2025 02:00 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I went out and got very drunk. I talked to a girl and some other people. As the girl left, someone told me to follow her as she didn't seem to know where she was going. As a drunk, socially inept idiot, I did so for about 20 seconds, only for someone to point me out to her and quickly guide her away. Then I lost like £700. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 652

Pour some more funny!

By Bruce - 12/03/2023 00:00

Today, my alcoholic friend, who is now sober, told me I was a lot more fun when he was drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 163

By scarlett666 - 05/06/2009 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 979

You deserved it 5 615

Classic

By Anonymous - 10/02/2022 18:00

Today, my physician, a known drunk himself, told me I was drinking too much and I should quit before my kidneys decide to divorce me and take the house and car with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 888

Can't stop, won't stop

By Matt8 - 07/12/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 466

You deserved it 2 121

They tried to make me go to rehab, I said OK

By Anonymous - 10/04/2022 18:01 - United States - Underhill

Today, my ex-husband checked himself into rehab after a fight with his girlfriend of 6 months. We were together for 14 years, and have 3 children together. We divorced because of his drinking. His wife and kids weren't worth enough to him to get help, but apparently his new girlfriend is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 240

Drunk tank

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 194

You deserved it 1 857

Crying

By The poor bees - 02/02/2025 09:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to a gathering at a friend's place. He had a bottle of "mead", which I tried and loved. Only after drinking two glasses did I learn that "mead" is made from honey. Eight years of dedicated veganism down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 1 249

Slippery slope

By ur_life_dus_suck - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Wayne

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 607

You deserved it 1 757

By Eric - 13/05/2011 02:19

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 659

You deserved it 2 908

Top of the morning to ya

By Anonymous - 11/09/2012 13:32 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop reading a book when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a middle-aged lady in a leopard-skin coat stumble up to me. She stopped, belched twice, and unleashed a torrent of red wine colored vomit onto my bag. It was 8:45 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 721

You deserved it 1 640

Jack-in-the-box

By Anonymous - 10/03/2023 22:00

Today, I realized that I'm a better human being when drunk or high, because at least then I don't seem like a wind-up toy about to snap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 249

Bottle bank

By TiredStudent - 12/06/2020 23:07 - Australia

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 771

You deserved it 231

Drunken antics

By Stilljobless - 19/01/2010 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 089

You deserved it 39 668

Assman

By Panda_bruh96 - 12/11/2021 05:00

Today, I love my boyfriend just as I always have, but I'm realizing I don't know if we'll last because he's an angry drunk. He drinks frequently, and I've talked to him about it, only to be met with, "I'm a grown ass man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 235

Boozehounds

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 17:01

Today, my fiancé refused to talk to me because I'm "an alcoholic". I only started drinking like this after we moved in together and he brought me alcohol every day, because he's an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 370

Congratulations, you played yourself

By danielle - 23/04/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 235

You deserved it 260 204

Dumbass

By Anonymous - 31/08/2024 08:00 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, my son tried my year great-grandad's 90 year-old whiskey, didn’t like it, and poured it all down the sink. When I confronted him, he confidently told me it was nasty and must have expired, so he did me a favour and poured it away and washed the bottle. I had to walk away and remind myself I love him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 126

Bourbon voyage

By SirSteamLocomotive - 24/08/2021 22:00

Today, I'd been saving for months to go on a whiskey tour of Kentucky. Eight distilleries. My wife signed up for an online university. The tuition is covered. But, do you know what isn't covered? The books. The laptop. Getting internet for the house. Goodbye whiskey; hello university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 983

Dysfunctionally functional

By Anonymous - 21/05/2024 10:00 - United States - Collegeville

Today, a coworker confided in me that he’s taking a leave of absence to get treatment for alcoholism. I feel for him, but I’m also incredibly jealous. He’s better at our job while drunk than I am while sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 203

Anger management

By FML - 08/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 695

You deserved it 3 401

Bad guy

By Anonymous - 07/05/2025 00:00

Today, my father got drunk and became crazy. He just kept talking nonsense and swaying while walking. It seemed like he was going to vomit. I hate him being like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 548

You deserved it 83

Boozehound

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 903

You deserved it 3 003

McLovin

By Anonymous - 30/08/2022 22:00

Today, I was buying a specific expensive wine for my wife’s birthday, but the guy suspected I was buying it for some underage girl loitering outside, and threatened to call police. He’s a specialist wine merchant and the only guy I can buy that wine from in 100 miles. Her birthday is in two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 141

Love is love

By Anonymous - 27/03/2022 01:59

Today, my husband got drunk, which was bad enough, but then he got me to the point where I wanted sex too, so I let him climb aboard. He was inside me for 3 thrusts and then stopped. He’d fallen asleep, so I pushed him off me, mad as hell, then he farted and shit a little bit. I married this twat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 033

You deserved it 828

Dutch courage

By not a jesse pinkman joke - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Princeton

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 636

You deserved it 2 639

Boozehounds

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 920

You deserved it 35 345

Cocktail hour

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine. It wasn't, and someone had put their cigarette out in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 952

You deserved it 12 237

Ain't no way

By sigh... - 21/12/2024 03:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom offered to drive us into the city after Christmas. I told her months ago that I wasn't getting in a car she was driving, because I don't trust her not to secretly drink and drive. I guess she either forgot or didn't think I meant it. Now I have to tell her again, two days before flying down there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 95

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The Top

Today, I was using a public restroom. After about a minute of me being in there, a little girl came in and started pounding on the door, screaming that she had to go. My pregnancy hormones are so bad that I almost burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 432

You deserved it 17 407

Today, after I found out my uncle took me off my grandma's funeral program, I had to fight to speak. He spent the week taking out his jealousy and anger on me and my sister for being included in her funeral. To everyone else he's played the saint, and the whole family has no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 111

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 923

You deserved it 1 150

Today, my sister pointed out a weird black mass underneath the lace of my dress. Perplexed, I looked down to inspect further and discover a wasp, under my boobs, attempting to build a nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 063

You deserved it 1 296

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 705

You deserved it 276

Today, I realized that the medication I take because of bowel issues only works for about 6 hours. After that, it's one run to the toilet after another. The problem is that I can only take it twice a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 351

You deserved it 57