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Thanks for the miracle

By howinthenameofholyfuck?! - 16/07/2020 17:01

Today, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, enduring months of tortuous chemo, having painful radiation treatments and having had my tubes tied, I realized I’ve become the butt of an incredibly cruel cosmic joke. I got pregnant from the one-night stand I had to celebrate beating cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 261

You deserved it 645

Great surprise

By Deployed - 07/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 742

You deserved it 196

By :/ - 12/03/2016 11:36 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, I talked to my high school sweetheart after 12 years. He confessed that he's been single ever since we broke up, never got over me, and that to this day he loves me dearly. I'm a married mother of two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 986

You deserved it 2 607

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 02:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 483

You deserved it 4 982

Cuff him to the bed

By appendicitisanyone - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 496

You deserved it 759

By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 663

You deserved it 240

Big farmer

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 620

You deserved it 1 268

It's getting old, Nan

By sick of this shit - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my grandma got drunk, tried to change the TV channel with my Xbox controller, and slurred at me to fuck off when I told her it wasn't the remote. She pulls this kind of crap way too often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 252

You deserved it 1 629

By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 277

You deserved it 408

By cacheson - 21/11/2018 01:04

Today, as a kindergarten music teacher, my principal came in to observe and evaluate me. I thought I'd gotten the hang of managing 23 5-year-olds, but it was a zoo the whole 30 minutes and I didn’t manage to teach anything. I'm not sure I'll be keeping this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 472

You deserved it 370

cacheson tells us more.

cacheson 41

Tuesday 20 November 2018 20:59

Yes, and after working on my classroom management strategies for younger kids my teaching is going much better now.

By hotmommy - 20/12/2010 00:23

Spicy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 282

You deserved it 6 647

By Pithegreat - 06/01/2016 04:48 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 662

You deserved it 2 039

Stealth

By smellyhair - 02/11/2014 11:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 155

You deserved it 3 871

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 17:11 - Germany

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 671

You deserved it 2 704

By brokebackanus - 18/12/2015 14:15 - United States - Detroit

Spicy

Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 634

You deserved it 7 886

By uterus why - 01/02/2019 16:00

Spicy

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 239

You deserved it 331

Taint

By PaintedBum - 11/03/2019 18:00

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 045

You deserved it 406

Bitch Better Have My Money

By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 324

You deserved it 1 926

First time, last time

By tuggernuts - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 612

You deserved it 44 794

Here in my car, I feel safest of all

By Geric Brawner - 12/05/2017 22:00

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 658

You deserved it 1 029

By atomwolf - 09/12/2016 17:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 001

You deserved it 12 104

On notice

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 15:43 - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 019

You deserved it 2 414

By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 10:48

Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 231

You deserved it 5 809

By Pierced - 30/05/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 131

You deserved it 449

Trans rights! (but also trans wrongs)

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Bargoed

Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 711

You deserved it 1 972

By TheComedyAudio - 23/10/2016 17:13

Today, on my 18th birthday, I was mugged by 6 guys who beat the shit out of me and stole my phone and wallet. They could've just asked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 089

You deserved it 753

TheComedyAudio tells us more.

TheComedyAudio 29

Monday 24 October 2016 14:19

Holy ******* shit, this story got published. Anyway, the police weren't able to do anything because they all ran off and were wearing hoodies that covered their faces. The police officer was very kind and did the best he could. My nose is swollen and my eyes are heavily bruised, but other than that I should be fine within the next few weeks. Thanks yall c:

By KenzoBVB - 02/09/2015 03:55 - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 154

You deserved it 1 784

Security breach

By BryanTazed - 22/08/2015 12:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tased. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 828

You deserved it 6 761

By brhorton02 - 06/04/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 490

You deserved it 166 785

By Anonymous - 15/09/2016 00:35 - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 179

You deserved it 816

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was chopping veggies for dinner and accidentally sliced through my thumbnail and into my finger. I wrapped it and finished cooking, despite being in considerable pain. My husband patted my shoulder and said sympathetically, "Don’t worry about the dishes babe. You can just do them tomorrow.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 166

Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps in their webs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 624

You deserved it 243

Today, my country announced that there will be 10 hours of power cuts starting from tomorrow. This basically means that if I want to begin my day at 8:00 am, it will only really get started at 6:00 pm, once the sun is down and the birds are done chirping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 102

Today, my grandma miraculously survived a bout with pneumonia. She keeps saying, 'The Lord spoke to her' while she was comatose. While comatose, she had to be physically restrained because she would unconsciously mess with the medical equipment, and when she woke up, she was completely delirious. Yeah, no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 152

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 143

You deserved it 386

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 643

You deserved it 645