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By Anonymous - 26/02/2011 20:19 - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 545

You deserved it 5 184

By BioChickthcfy - 13/11/2013 22:27 - United States - Edinburg

Today, one of the special needs teens I work with confessed his love for me. It was cute until he put his erection on my leg and attempted to hump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 113

You deserved it 3 887

BioChickthcfy tells us more.

BioChickthcfy 6

Friday 15 November 2013 1:10

All is well, he was reminded to have "nice hands" as well as other things. He lives at the facility I work at, but I will not be working with this youth anymore. Things escalated very quickly and in order for everyone to be safe and be able to learn in an apparently less tempting environment I will be in a different location.

By CutieBooty - 22/02/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 427

You deserved it 35 800

By Anonymous - 10/01/2015 22:12 - United States - San Pablo

Today, I gave a presentation to my college class about life with Tourette syndrome. I only got 3 minutes into it before my asswipe classmates started yelling stuff like "Shit!", "Cock!", and "Bob Saget!" I gave up and went back to my seat in tears as our bored instructor said "Next." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 634

You deserved it 3 063

By Anonymous - 07/01/2011 23:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 138

You deserved it 6 365

By Anonymous - 28/06/2012 21:20 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 828

You deserved it 2 181

Catch 22

By kattydoo07 - 29/04/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 833

You deserved it 4 229

By ordinaryday - 22/05/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 273

You deserved it 3 345

By Anonymous - 14/08/2015 13:19 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, my boyfriend asked me to start using a period tracker app so I can tell him which week of each month he needs to "stay the hell away" from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 067

You deserved it 4 028

Nuts

By Painful - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 113

You deserved it 40 263

You good, lady?

By Eliza - 04/04/2012 03:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 332

You deserved it 2 431

Freak

By ari - 18/02/2013 22:15 - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 966

You deserved it 3 899

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 890

You deserved it 43 635

By Denki - 30/01/2013 12:21 - China - Beijing

Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 196

You deserved it 4 518

By sexisntfun - 30/03/2015 02:13 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 408

You deserved it 3 194

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 07:18 - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 181

You deserved it 4 677

By fuck - 16/12/2014 21:04 - Norway - Slemmestad

Today, I got a new downstairs neighbor. Herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 560

You deserved it 37 417

Namesake

By cjy152 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her newborn son after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 312

You deserved it 3 677

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 19:26 - United Kingdom - Gorebridge

Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 570

You deserved it 2 443

Splish splash

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 744

You deserved it 7 988

By Anonymous - 10/09/2015 01:15 - United States - Mountain View

Today, at a public restroom, I caught my extremely eco-friendly daughter, who was on her period, looking through the trash. When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm looking for pads to use. It'll mean less garbage." I then had to lecture her in the public restroom about health and hygiene. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 538

You deserved it 2 621

Nice try

By grovage - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 793

You deserved it 82 053

Hey sexy…

By syn1734 - 16/10/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me she "had a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So I hurried home, only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 207

You deserved it 3 454

By musicislife1337 - 08/01/2012 07:24 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 068

You deserved it 3 108

By whatismydadthinking - 06/08/2009 08:45 - Australia

Today, I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already know her. Not only are we the same age and went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names because "we could pass as twins". FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 888

You deserved it 3 342

By Anonymous - 01/11/2012 17:09 - Philippines - Makati

Today, after a week of looking for my car keys and being forced to drag my family around on public transportation, my wife found the keys in our car's ignition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 094

You deserved it 32 303

By pictureperfect678 - 19/01/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, I was in one of two hot tubs with my dad at a vacation resort, when 3 good looking guys walked into the pool area. My dad moved to the other hot tub so the guys could hang out in the one I was in. They came outside, passed my hot tub, and went into the one my dad just moved into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 136

You deserved it 4 701

By dumb4$$0rz - 23/12/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 256

You deserved it 6 232

By Snow - 26/12/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 355

You deserved it 2 957

By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 096

You deserved it 4 607

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The Top

Today, while playing golf, someone broke my nose. The clubhouse calls an ambulance, and I go to hospital. I call my girlfriend to come and pick me up downstairs; she runs over my foot with her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 592

You deserved it 55

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because someone asked him if we were dating and he lied and said no. He said he didn't want to be a liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 544

You deserved it 2 697

Today, during a programming interview, I provided the right approach and the right answer as agreed by the interviewer, but used some extra variables with proper names. Guess who is not selected for the next round due to those extra variables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 186

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 245

You deserved it 5 203

Today, it's the first day that my overbearing and too-controlling parents are gone on a 2-week-long vacation, trusting me enough to take care of the house while they're gone. So far, I've broken a plate (it was in the microwave less than a minute before it exploded) and the power's gone out. Bad omens? FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 171

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 629

You deserved it 1 178