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FML, the follow-up

Spicy details and delicious explanations are on this section’s menu, which contains hundreds of stories commented on by their original posters. The people who share their mishaps return to bring you some clarifications. They tell us all about their FML, and it’s a real pleasure.

Today, some alarm, somewhere in my house, is making a low battery noise. I've checked every smoke detector multiple times, and I can't find it. It has been hours. I'm not sure if its still doing it or if the sound has just invaded my brain. FML

#21168162
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40150) - you deserved it (4113)

On 06/09/2014 at 12:26pm - misc - by AndrewKeane (man) - United States (Illinois)

AndrewKeane's comment about their FML

OP here! Made an account to follow up. First time one of mine has ever made it. Thanks for the ideas, actually. If it had been an annoy-a-tron someone was going to die. Here’s what it actually was:


Too Long, Won’t Read:
Several people called it. I found a defective monoxide detector dying in a dark basement corner, but only after I went insane and and fought a tiny spider with a wooden sword.

Further Reasonable Explanation:
Six months ago I took down a defective monoxide detector and replaced it. When the defective one vanished from the kitchen table, I assumed it was thrown out. In reality, it had been returned to the basement and tossed into the dark reaches of the crap zone, awaiting the day the batteries would die (who put batteries back in it?!), freeing it to wreak havoc on my brain as it struck madness into man and drench my house in dog shit as it struck terror into beast, then luring me into its crappy, spider-filled lair to do battle and put it out of its lifelong pain once and for all.

The way the sound seemed to move around the house, making it impossible to track? I had assumed it was the same volume the whole time, but it had become sporadic as the machine’s strength gave out. When it seemed loud in one spot at one moment and quiet when I came back, it really was just quieter, not farther away like I thought.

I have now put the functional alarms back, since it was clearly not them making me crazy.



Epic Tale Version:
I had tracked it into the basement. It had to be there. Nowhere was it louder than here in the concrete box that is my basemen, but it was still on the move. I chased it back and forth louder here, then softer, then louder in the exact same place, from disabled smoke detector to disabled CO detector, ripped from the walls, gutted of their batteries, making no sound. And then it sounded right next to my head. After hours of jumping a the sound, this time I froze instead. I turned slowly, thinking, this is it, this is the child-sized carnivorous cricket sitting on a face level shelf, it has lead me here to devour my skin. I turned slowly. Nothing. No uber cricket, but also nothing else that could make that noise. 

It had to be on the other side. Good god.

The shelf I was looking at sectioned off the storage part of the basement from the part humans might actually want to enter. It blocks a nasty cement wall from view and hides the various boxes of crap we want out of the way for most of the year: Christmas decorations, forgotten crap that has not seen daylight in a decade, and spiders. Good god, the spiders.

There was the chirp again. Yes, it was definitely in the crap zone. I peered in. I did not see any exotic looking torture devices planted by the NSA to turn me into a supervillain. I did, however, see at least one spider. Not 100% past a long-time fear of them, I didn’t want to kill it with my bare hands, so I looked around for a suitable weapon. The nearest blunt implement? A wooden sword, left carelessly on top of the freezer, even though it has been firmly established that that is not where toys go. I grabbed it and waded forward, firmly vowing that by god, even if a spider crawled on my face I would not shit myself.

Killed the spider. Nudged a few webs out of the way, also with the sword. A second spider scuttled over a box, narrowly avoiding the wrath of my blade. The chirp sounded right in front of me. My sphincter winked roguishly at the inside of my underwear, but did not fail, because damn it I am an adult. An adult, going slightly insane from an auditory version of Chinese water torture, hunting an inscrutable beeping sound, brandishing a wooden sword at spiders while knee deep in crap I should have organized years ago.

I look around. Its here. I need one last chirp to find the exact location-

There. There it is, in the corner. A small white device.

I let out one final burst of my mighty battle cry: 

“GOD

 FUCKING 

DAMN IT”

and seized the monstrosity, its final chirp dying on its speaker as I pried out the batteries.

Victory was mine this day. Man conquered machine and madness, spider and sudden realization that my god I need to clean that basement this summer. And then man cleaned up an enormous amount of dog shit, again, because even though it would have been best to leave dog outside and not subject him to a repetitive high pitched sound that made him lose control of his anus, it was just too hot out for to leave him out there the whole time.

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Today, I'm 5 weeks pregnant and just found out that my boyfriend has such a phobia of holding babies, that he's going to be the one most in need of a diaper change when I give birth. FML

#21167621
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38209) - you deserved it (6261)

On 06/08/2014 at 10:42pm - misc - by aireeahna (woman) - United States (Iowa)

aireeahna's comment about their FML

Op here. So to start off I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. The issue never really came up over the years because we were never really around babies, he is really good with children so I just assumed that he was good with babies as well. When it did come up we were at his little brother's graduation party. I was holding a cousins newborn baby and asked him to hold him so that I could go to the bathroom but instead of taking the baby he backed away from me almost stumbling over his own feet because he was in such a hurry to get out of the situation. I asked his mother what his problem was and she just said that he has always been scared to hold babies since his brother was born. I have yet to tell him that we are expecting because our 5 year anniversary is at the end of this month and I wanted to tell him while we're on vacation. The baby is obviously unplanned but I don't regret getting pregnant and I'm sure that my boyfriend will be just as happy as I am with the news. The only other person who knows right now is my best friend who is due in September and she is going to let him practice hold the baby so that he'll be more comfortable but until then I think we'll stick to dolls and toddlers :p

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Today, a guy I had been casually seeing asked me to dinner. Thinking he could be wanting to make things serious, I got all dressed up. Turns out he got a girlfriend and just wanted to tell me in person to avoid things being awkward. We then waited in silence for our meal. FML

#21165844
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41349) - you deserved it (4534)

On 06/07/2014 at 6:17am - love - by moneybenny - Australia (Victoria)

moneybenny's comment about their FML

And to anyone saying I could have left... He picked me up in his car and drove me to the place. The car ride home was equally fun.

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Today, my long distance boyfriend told me no more nude pictures or sexting, as he's afraid the government will steal it all. FML

#21164491
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44032) - you deserved it (8260)

On 06/05/2014 at 11:38pm - intimacy - by ShadowReiku (woman) - United States (Maryland)

ShadowReiku's comment about their FML

Hey guys, OP here. While I don't doubt that they are in fact kept on record somewhere, I DO doubt that they would use them for some sort of super weapon like he was implying. My boyfriend grew up in a bad home and has anxiety and paranoia like you wouldn't believe, so he probably heard something in his computer class and blew it way out of proportion. Again. This is just the latest strange thing he's doing. At one point he wanted us to invest in a bunker.

I'm 20 and he's 19, so we're both of age, and we've been dating for 2 years, but we live in different timezones. He's a college student and I don't make very much so it's hard for us to pay to meet up, so sexting is usually all we've got. I prefer skype, since my phone is ancient and doesn't have any of these fancy new-fangled apps, but I was laptopless for the night, which is why I texted him asking and got that in response.

I know for a 100% fact that he is not cheating on me. He wouldn't be able to pull it off. Like I said, anxiety and paranoia. He once apologized to me in panic over having a crush on a celebrity, thinking that was just as bad as cheating. In any case, when he isn't at school, he's on skype and steam with me.

And for those saying to send them to you, shame on you.

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Today, my university considered it an "embarrassment" that I was going to be the first and only person to graduate from my engineering course, so they gave free passes to two guys who hadn't finished their thesis yet. They were congratulated in the newspaper; I wasn't. FML

#21160821
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55980) - you deserved it (3545)

On 06/02/2014 at 7:10pm - misc - by jlmed (woman) - Colombia (Valle del Cauca)

jlmed's comment about their FML

OP here, since some are curious for updates here it is (I made an account for this!):

Sadly there isn't "more to the story", the University wanted more people to graduate and those two guys were the closest to the finish line (aside from myself). I have tried to raise hell, but since this is a very "macho" country no one is willing to back me up. Everyone knows it happened though. The rich old guys who run the University and took the decision in the first place can't even be reached, the only people higher up are government workers who are, of course, all men who are friendly with the rich old guys. Matters like these aren't exactly "priority" even if I did manage to reach an honest person in the government. I'm afraid I'm forced to "get over it" and just move on. Still pissed though.

So, I've decided to save up and move to a country where I have possibility of equal pay (another big issue here), so that's all I can tell you guys for now.

Thank you SO MUCH for your good wishes and back-up, it's nice to finally see people express the same anger as me. Oh and I graduated in IT Engineering, focused on multimedia, for those who were wondering.

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Today, I walked a student to an office on the other side of the school. I'm the kind of person who would rather make conversation than endure awkward silence, so I tried to talk to him. He just stared intently at my chest the whole time. FML

#21160465
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39468) - you deserved it (6112)

On 06/02/2014 at 1:01pm - work - by Miss_Whipped - United States (Texas)

Miss_Whipped's comment about their FML

You're right, it was awkward with his head turned toward me the whole time. Working in the main office doesn't leave me a lot of room as to what I can say or do in front of the people I escort across the building (most of them sponsors from colleges or other organizations to pass out information during lunch). I think the worst I had to endure was this one pair of guys who did nothing but bad-mouth the school and the others that worked in my office. My only response was to take them down the longest, winding path to their destination as I could imagine. Other than that, I had to remain silent when I wanted to defend my school's honor.
As far as this kid, I ended up clamming up and stopped making any attempt to talk to him. I usually call people out on weird behavior, but I think that it was just the shock and disgust of it all that glued my mouth shut. I just walked back to the office silently and did nothing. What was I supposed to do, cry 'sexual harassment' this late in the school year? I've got 4 days left before I never have to attend high school again. I'd rather it go off without a hitch.
As for the 'I've got a nice rack' comments, I don't think it's appropriate to stare either way. Some things are meant to keep to yourself (or your own eyeballs).

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Today, I searched up ways to fix my eyebrows since they were so bushy and thick. I took my tweezers and set to work. It went to shit. So now, I have one completely straight eyebrow that makes me look like Bert from Sesame Street and another that's arched like Nina Dobrev's. FML

#21160254
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32023) - you deserved it (19573)

On 06/02/2014 at 8:00am - misc - by LexiJ1 - Australia

LexiJ1's comment about their FML

Oh no I love the comments. You. Guys are actually kinda making me feel a little better. And I love the creativity!! I'm sorry for ruining my eyebrows but I'm not a Prick tyvm. Btw, I have school tomorrow....I can just imagine the round nicknames I'll get......-_-'

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Today, I'm babysitting two 6 year old kids. One of them won't stop screaming, and the other kid found his mom's vibrator and won't stop playing spaceship with it. The parents will be home in an hour. FML

#21157917
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40498) - you deserved it (4918)

On 05/31/2014 at 2:40am - kids - by moomanjohnny - United States (California)

moomanjohnny's comment about their FML

I finally got the one screaming to calm down and go to sleep. I also got the vibrator away from the other kid by distracting him with my phone. Everything was good when the parents came home, until the kid told his mom about a cool "spaceship".

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Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all the wrong places, specifically the county jail. FML

#21154127
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46827) - you deserved it (5270)

On 05/28/2014 at 12:08am - kids - by _Ducks_ - United States (California)

_Ducks_'s comment about their FML

Hey, OP here. I can clear a few things up. She was nearly arrested for breaking and entering and saw a 'cute' boy at the jail. Every day since (without my knowledge) she went to the jail and talked to him. I found out last week.

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Today, I deliberately didn't tell my therapist half of what I was going through because I didn't want to depress her. FML

#21153742
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43403) - you deserved it (9990)

On 05/27/2014 at 7:05pm - health - by JayCee500 (woman) - Sent from mobile version

JayCee500's comment about their FML

I'm the OP. I posted this after my last session with my therapist--I'd realized that this particular person wasn't working for me because I didn't really connect with her to an extent where I'd be able to tell her all my problems. This is the first time I'm seeking therapy, and from what people have said, it sometimes takes a while to find someone you are truly comfortable with. Just to be clear--I don't think that my particular problems are at all special, and they aren't even that bad when compared with half the shit people I know go through. It was just getting to the point where I was deliberately excluding things that had happened to me/that I felt because I considered them too "pathetic" to share. You can probably guess that one of my problems is that I care way too much about how other people perceive me.

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Today, I saw the script for the end of year assembly skit I'm forced to participate in. Looks like on my last day of high school, I'll be running around in a rainbow unicorn costume in front of my entire high school and their parents. FML

#21151611
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39968) - you deserved it (5265)

On 05/25/2014 at 9:43pm - misc - by Banana_Lord - United States (California)

Banana_Lord's comment about their FML

Hi, OP here. I guess I should explain this a little better. On the last day of school, we have a big awards assembly and then hand out yearbooks at the end. Our yearbooks always have a theme and the people in charge do a little skit at the end of the assembly. Our theme this year is fairy tales, thus the unicorn costume (our mascot isn't a rainbow unicorn lol). I'm editor in chief so I can't just back out, and the other people involved are really excited about the skit, so I'd hurt their feelings if I told them how stupid I think it is. I ended up trying to get out of it by telling them I couldn't make it to the rehearsal, but they just switched my part to the narrator. Not quite what I was hoping for, but at least I don't have to do anything embarrassing.

You guys' comments made me laugh, and for all the people who said they would love to dress up as a unicorn, to each their own I guess!

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Today, my wife's cat ran away. After spending a lot of money making "Lost Cat" flyers and driving around for hours passing them out and searching for her cat, he walked downstairs. FML

#21151561
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38335) - you deserved it (8908)

On 05/25/2014 at 8:47pm - animals - by PsychoBillyGoat - United States (Alaska)

PsychoBillyGoat's comment about their FML

My wife was worried about the cat because he is elderly and needs meds every 12 hours. He also has no claws ( we got him that way). He has never been outside before but lately he has been trying to get out. Also we live in Alaska, more to worry about then cars and dogs getting him

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