Today, I was bagging my groceries when I accidentally smacked myself in the face with a box of popsicles, giving myself a nose bleed. I found out that the cashier hates the sight of blood when she passed out behind the register. They called security on me. FML

MellyBee's comment about their FML

I'm happy to inform you #23 that the popsicles survived the accident, and many of them are already in my belly! ;-)

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Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend pushed me under, and as I came up for air, my hand stroked a hairy leg. It turns out I had caressed the leg of an old man who had been swimming laps. He spent the next half hour creepily smiling at me. FML

mac_miller55's comment about their FML

I posted this and I am a girl

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Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

memphis201's comment about their FML

Just for clarification, I always wash my hands before I use a tampon, but in this case it was an emergency, if you get what I mean by that. I also didn't have the kind that uses an applicator available so I had to actually put my hands up there for the tampon to function properly.

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Today, out of curiosity, I measured the length of my penis whilst in the shower. A couple of hours later, my father called me downstairs to show me something. Turns out I left the ruler on top of the shower tree. He won't stop laughing. FML

Infiltrator4444's comment about their FML

I told my father that it's something all guys do at least once, and that he probably did too, to which he replied, "Son, I don't have enough to measure."

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Today, my boyfriend got a new job. He'll be over the road for three weeks at a time, and home on the remaining week. Basically, I'll see him once a month. Guess which time of month it'll fall on. FML

Itstrickyyxx's comment about their FML

Hey guys. OP here. He's not a truck driver, he has a pretty damn good paying construction job. There ARE other jobs besides truck driving that require long times away!!
Also, it will be for at least 2 years :(

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Today, my boyfriend got a new job. He'll be over the road for three weeks at a time, and home on the remaining week. Basically, I'll see him once a month. Guess which time of month it'll fall on. FML

Itstrickyyxx's comment about their FML

OP here again. Wow i haven't been on this site in forever. I can't even see him every month now, I see him every few months, and of course, ALWAYS ON MY PERIOD. That's life I suppose. And no I can't do birth control to EVERYONE who said it, all kinds effected me badly! :)

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Today, I continued my habit of saying, "It smells like lung cancer over here" any time I see a smoker. This guy turned out to be an amateur MMA fighter, and I was his "workout" for the day. I guess his lungs are doing fine. FML

xd3box's comment about their FML

I don't usually see people coming back to comment on their own FMLs, but I wanted to see what people had to say. 136, I don't make a habit of walking by smokers. I've just had a few too many family members diagnosed with lung cancer from what should be called a lethal drug. I wasn't trying to be condescending with my remarks. I was simply giving a harsh reality in a way that could possibly cause him
To put the cigarette down. To add on I'll ask a question to everyone: How angry would you be if you found out you had lung cancer or emphysema some second-hand smoke?

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Today, my mother bitched me out for not finishing my laundry. I'm a 37-year-old mother of three. She rents my basement suite. FML

Gremlinswife's comment about their FML

I charge them rent but also pay them to babysit. They have a pretty sweet deal. My Husband works out of province i'm essentially a single mother 2 week of each month and my youngest son has special needs. Laundry is very low on my list of things to do in my kids waking hours lol

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Today, my landlord decided to have people visit my apartment since I'm moving out next month. She had warned me about potential visitors this week but didn't specify when. I work the graveyard shift and apparently the fact that I was sleeping in my room during the visit didn't bother her at all. FML

mightymart's comment about their FML

I would have stayed awake if she would have called before, not like it happens often

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Today, I found out my sister-in-law is getting married. She is one of my best friends, and was my maid of honor when I got married. She's asked me to serve punch at hers. FML

alaskaintexas's comment about their FML

Her maid of honor is already married, and she's not getting married for the second time. I just married her brother. And btw, I'm planning her wedding with her mother, not her.

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Today, I made microwaveable popcorn. When the bag finished popping, I took it out and opened it and put my face in close to get a big whiff. It now feels like I have third degree burns inside my nose and behind my eyes. FML

AlbertEinstein_'s comment about their FML

This is my FML, i had to make an acc to comment!
I know, people, this was so incredibly stupid!! I have no idea why the hell I thought that would be a good idea, I think I wanted to check if there was salt in it before I left the kitchen (no idea how smelling it would clarify) so that I wouldn't have to get back up! I totally deserved this one, and I will surely never, ever do this again! My original FML had "And yes, it is possible to be this stupid" at the end, but that must've been edited out :( And I put the name Albert Einstein cause it was ironic or something, I don't know. But I certainly didn't think I was smart or anything....And my eyes still hurt :(

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Today, my brother was playing with the pepper spray on my key chain. He didn't think it was real, so to test it he sprayed me in the mouth while I was asleep. FML

rkbkate's comment about their FML

This was my post thanks for all the comments guys Haha my brother has a rude awakening coming soon Haha and he is no longer able to touch my keys.

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Today, my power finally came back on. I excitedly went and spent $100 to refill my fridge, only to come back home and discover the power is out again, and might not be back on for another three days. FML

eggmarie's comment about their FML

Going to answer major questions here:
I'm a college kid. I live alone and have a small fridge. I shop at Walmart with coupons and that's how I managed to fill my fridge on $100.
I have AEP and the power was on for a bit before it went back off (not enough time for the fridge to get cold again) so I assumed I was okay. Apparently it was a "test run"
I borrowed coolers from family and got some ice. I just moved here a few weeks ago and haven't met many new people so I'm stuck at my house.
Thank you for the well wishes and crossing my fingers that it's back sooner than anticipated!

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