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Nun the wiser

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 16:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend offered to roleplay as a sexy nun, then dumped me, claiming my saying yes meant I was attacking her catholic faith and that I’m a sick, depraved criminal. She was the one who offered. I’m not remotely interested in roleplay, I only agreed cause I thought it was her kink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 790

You deserved it 142

Pranking hell!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 057

You deserved it 4 368

By TowelSmellsNice - 16/04/2010 12:34 - Malaysia

Today, I wrapped a towel around my waist so I could take a dump while using my laptop. I sat on the toilet seat and let a big load go. Turns out I forgot to unwrap the towel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 564

You deserved it 70 666

Anger management

By Manuel Gearbox - 12/07/2021 18:01 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I drove a different work vehicle, one with the cupholder right behind the gear lever. After multiple accidental attempts at changing gears with my Coke bottle, I threw it out the window in a temper. I then got busted for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 1 702

The prick

By Anonymous - 07/10/2022 18:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to deep throat him and I had to tell him he isn’t long enough to reach my throat. It just about reaches the back of my tongue, but that’s it. He’s now sulking. I can’t change the length of his prick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 526

You deserved it 634

Tradwife blues

By AnonWife - 22/01/2014 01:16 - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 707

You deserved it 9 491

By killercow - 19/04/2011 16:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said, "You know you can't wash and reuse these?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 256

You deserved it 23 035

Amnesiac

By sexytime - 02/09/2009 06:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, my best friend, who I've had serious feelings for for over a year, decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost two years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with, "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up six months ago. Three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 977

You deserved it 4 257

By pchemist - 22/02/2009 00:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 543

You deserved it 7 009

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 22:01 - United States - Fargo

Today, I woke up from a dead sleep needing to fart. The second I tried to push it out, I realized it wasn't wasn't fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 493

By Anonymous - 13/02/2012 01:11 - United States

Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 423

You deserved it 2 507

By overdriven07 - 01/09/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, my landlord asked to borrow my truck to move some furniture. When she returned it, I noticed she had filled the gas tank up. I thanked her for doing so, and she handed me the receipt and said "just add it to next month's rent". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 924

You deserved it 3 533

Make it your own goal

By Anonymous - 13/01/2014 19:48 - United States - Maryville

Spicy

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 002

You deserved it 12 717

By FuckLife - 11/02/2012 13:41 - Australia

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 500

You deserved it 2 495

Sister act

By ohsugarxo - 31/08/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She's my favorite sister, who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 447

You deserved it 4 023

Be reasonable, people

By SailorVenus93 - 20/03/2020 06:00

Today, at work, I was told at the beginning of my shift that we would be enforcing a 4-item limit on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc. Not even 20 minutes later, I had 2 customers bitch me out. This is going to be a long shift, if not year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 151

Family goals

By Stephenstrange - 22/07/2021 19:59 - United States - Clinton Township

Today, I asked my mom to tell me how she met my dad, because after 15 years me and my dad are finally working on our relationship. My mom thought it was a good time to tell me he’s not my father, and that my biological father wants to meet me this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 96

Waitressing blues

By left out - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "Happy Birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 619

You deserved it 4 290

By sadcase - 12/04/2011 14:01 - Australia

Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 264

You deserved it 138 868

By Ned - 29/08/2009 23:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 570

You deserved it 3 894

Comeback

By sadguy - 18/02/2009 22:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response, "Lucky you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 161

You deserved it 23 292

Ouch

By Anonymous - 13/01/2013 12:41 - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 453

You deserved it 5 205

By heathersmorin - 08/04/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, while making my son lunch, he pooped, took off his diaper, stepped in it, and then climbed to the gate to call for me. When I arrived, he had a big smile on his face and exclaimed, "Look!" Shit footprints were everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 4 805

heathersmorin tells us more.

heathersmorin 0

Monday 11 April 2011 21:29

I only talking to one person here and it's this dumb bitch above you! If you don't like it, find yourself another FML. No one said you had to sit here in read this one. This is a community place. I have the right to post comments just as much as you do!

By ... - 04/01/2014 05:25 - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 411

You deserved it 8 796

Code of silence

By nean83 - 12/01/2013 05:11 - United States - Inglewood

Spicy

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 528

You deserved it 39 936

By nerdsgetmehot - 07/04/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 866

You deserved it 5 871

Uglies

By Noname - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 129

You deserved it 13 682

By Anonymous - 04/02/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 753

You deserved it 11 896

With friends like these…

By dreadedmafia86 - 12/03/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I was upset after my boyfriend and I broke up. My best friend heard and told me she would be right over. Three hours of waiting later, she stumbles in wasted. She had been at the bar, with my ex, making sure he was okay. For me, I just got a list of all the drinks she had that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 117

You deserved it 2 493

By Sarah - 25/08/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 697

You deserved it 10 435

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Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to finagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 565

You deserved it 1 724

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 187

You deserved it 2 169

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 668

You deserved it 4 991

Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 602

You deserved it 4 795

Today, I went to the courthouse to apply for my marriage license and had my mother tag along with me. When I asked one of five security guards where to go, my mom looked at him and said,"You’re suppose to talk her out of it." Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 903

You deserved it 287

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me, saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me, and that she's not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that, and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 131

You deserved it 373