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Can't be arsed

By Roy - 23/03/2024 09:00 - Netherlands - Voorburg

Today, l remembered the second time my then-future-wife and I had sex; she soundly feel asleep during the act. According to her, this was because she felt so comfortable with me. Well my friends, she has increasingly got more comfortable with me in the past 20 years. Very, very comfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 168

By CA19oo - 16/01/2012 03:08 - United States

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. When they started playing my favorite song I whipped out my video camera and sang along. As I was reviewing the video later, I realized that I couldn't even hear the band over my horrible singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 696

You deserved it 42 632

By alex - 14/03/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 824

You deserved it 10 082

Snitches get snitches

By komp6390 - 28/02/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got charged $100 for having a cat in our apartment. I was only babysitting the cat so my neighbors wouldn't get caught and fined. We got caught because my roommate reported the people downstairs for having a noisy dog, so they reported that someone else in the building had a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 222

You deserved it 30 192

By dragonstooth257 - 21/06/2019 06:14

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 468

WTF are you doing?

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, while at the bakery section of my local supermarket, I heard the beat of what I assumed was a song playing. I really got into it, and bobbed my head and danced a little. After getting some strange looks, I realized the "beat" was a machine mixing frosting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 940

You deserved it 41 692

BFF

By hairplease - 27/02/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, I brought my best friend to my uncle's birthday party. We were having a great time until my grandmother walked up to us and said to me, "You sure have a nice looking boyfriend." My friend is a girl. She has cancer and lost all of her hair due to chemotherapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 804

You deserved it 2 412

By Lasko - 12/08/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, I found out that just because you collapse from dehydration on the sidewalk, it doesn't mean people are going to stop driving to see if you're okay, even if they saw you fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 239

You deserved it 6 926

The wrong kind of banging

By BRELLA - 03/02/2009 19:58 - United States

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 155

You deserved it 3 962

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 24/08/2021 02:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 213

Bathtime

By LemmyIsWet - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 962

You deserved it 27 948

By Akestarr - 02/12/2013 13:28 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 397

You deserved it 3 663

By bewitched and bothered - 02/02/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 540

You deserved it 2 627

Second opinion, please

By fishyrael - 26/08/2021 04:01 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I went to a new doctor for an injury. Instead, the doctor only focused on my weight and tried to basically prescribe me anorexia. She tried to tell me that 750 calories a day was fine and brushed off my exercise regimen as, "Exercise is great, but you'll lose weight faster if there are no calories to burn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 263

You deserved it 191

Well trained

By Anonymous - 16/11/2022 16:00

Today, I paid for earrings at a craft fair. A kid came up from behind and started crying. The kid's mom said the kid saw earrings first and dropped them to grab an adult. The kid was allowed to cry hysterically until the hall went silent. I said, “You can have it.” Suddenly, the kid stops crying and the mom goes, “Oh that’s so kind, are you sure?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 309

By yulis - 30/11/2013 19:21 - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 475

You deserved it 7 304

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 20/11/2022 06:00

Today, I talked to my boyfriend yet again about being more verbal and apparent about showing affection towards me. It ended with me asking him how would I even know if he wants me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 196

By NJ <3 - 10/01/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 262

You deserved it 3 698

Too much of a good thing

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 23:00

Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 1 651

Unfit

By naagodinho - 09/01/2012 14:56 - Portugal

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 930

You deserved it 4 783

The joys of motherhood

By Walaa Hamdan - 31/08/2021 04:01

Today, after a 3-day induced delivery for my twins, and after getting stitches down there, I woke up to boobs that are the size of footballs, and still no milk coming out. The pain of chopping them off at this point would be more bearable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 183

You deserved it 143

By LLCK - 10/12/2012 10:13 - United States - Owatonna

Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 599

You deserved it 2 261

By Brandon Butler - 04/03/2011 09:22

Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 671

You deserved it 3 002

They targeted gamers

By nothing - 29/11/2022 06:00

Today, I was finally allowed some time to get my game on. When I attempted to log in, I was given an error message. The game servers were down. Estimated time back up was, "sometime later this week". I was unable to get my game on, and had to do chores instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 338

By Moose - 07/12/2012 17:06 - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out that storing a partially empty bowl of ice cream in the freezer overnight along with the spoon, and then trying to take a bite the next day, can have the same effect as sticking your tongue on a flagpole in the middle of winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 603

You deserved it 31 511

By nothingisreal69 - 01/03/2011 22:21 - Reserved

Today, as I was driving home from work, a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car. The shock caused me to slam on the brakes, totaling three other cars in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 323

You deserved it 13 380

By Owned - 29/01/2009 00:32 - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 933

You deserved it 28 407

Today, on Judge Judy…

By thanks ma - 29/05/2020 02:00

Today, all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud. The culprit? My own mother. She rationalized it by saying I "owed" her for raising me. She didn’t even raise me. My grandma did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 100

You deserved it 133

Family love

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 11:00

Today, I'd arranged a family reunion to see family I hadn't seen in years. Out of about 20 people, only 3 said they would come. One messaged to cancel the night before. The other two no-showed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 123

Thanks Teen Mom

By use condoms bro - 26/11/2022 16:00 - Argentina

Today, at 17 years-old, I discovered how embarrassing it is to have your kid scream on a flight and how hard it is to calm them down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 990

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The Top

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 782

You deserved it 1 769

Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 079

You deserved it 46 082

Today, after working all day and putting in hours of overtime, I realized I never clocked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 078

You deserved it 18 851

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 397

You deserved it 133

Today, I like it rough in bed and found the perfect lover to have fun with. Now I have to choose between going to work fully covered while it's 35°C and sweat like a pig, or to go lightly dressed and show a VERY suspicious amount of marks on my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 2 117

Today, it's been two years since I won a romantic dinner for two from a work raffle. It's been two years and I still haven't found anyone to go with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 135