Miscellaneous

Please…

By Anonymous - 08/04/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 118

You deserved it 66 343

By cannedpeas - 31/12/2014 03:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my aunt and uncle came into the restaurant I work at to give me a late Christmas gift. The gift was the $20 tip they left, which got divided amongst all the staff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 095

You deserved it 2 305

cannedpeas tells us more.

cannedpeas 19

Wednesday 31 December 2014 15:05

Well this got posted surprisingly fast To clarify: they didn't realize that the tips we receive are for everyone, not just the waitresses. I didn't bother asking then for another $20 because I figured, hey, it's the thought that counts, and I ended up getting a decent tip pay that night anyways. Thanks for the nice comments :)

By Anonymous - 06/09/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. I was a lifeguard and the other day a 30 year-old man who only spoke Spanish hit on me. I'm 16 and I'd politely rejected him. He then went to the front desk and told them how I tried molesting him in the locker room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 559

You deserved it 2 651

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 864

You deserved it 65 754

Red tape

By BLAH - 14/02/2012 14:42 - Philippines

Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch black, but the council won't accept my complaint, because apparently my window was illegally built. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 693

You deserved it 2 367

Parasocial to the max

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Santa Monica

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 802

You deserved it 202

By methane overload - 19/01/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 240

You deserved it 3 836

By some band player - 10/03/2014 02:09 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 309

You deserved it 4 622

By minauto - 27/02/2014 23:58 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my car was found with a smashed window and a torn-apart steering column, in order to hot-wire it. The thief didn't get away with my car, though. The engine was in the garage, where I've been working on it for two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 892

You deserved it 3 155

minauto tells us more.

minauto 15

Friday 28 February 2014 13:38

This actually happened to my boyfriend but he posted it from my account since he doesn't own a smartphone himself. he pulled his engine from his car to work on it (he's an auto tech student) and had been without a car for a few days. luckily he was planning on getting a new ignition, he wasn't however planning on replacing a perfectly good window... but thanks for all the comments guys, i'll be sure to let him know about all the support!

By CooBerry3851 - 28/08/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pound father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 727

You deserved it 3 259

Tasty smell test failed

By Teen Idol - 14/08/2024 09:00 - United States - Lansing

Today, after a week of wondering why my room smelled terrible, I found the culprit: a moldy sandwich I'd hidden under my bed during a movie night to avoid sharing it with my brother. I don’t know what’s worse - the smell or the fact that I was outsmarted by a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 703

We believe in you

By No life (apparently) - 06/02/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, after months of playing chess as a hobby, I'm actually starting to get kind of good. Excited at my results, I decided to share this with a friend. Her response: "Don't quit your day job. You're not becoming a professional." First of all, I'm not trying to be THAT good, nor do I expect to. Secondly, ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 116

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 844

You deserved it 42 182

By bubblebuttfuckfart - 13/10/2012 17:32 - Ireland

Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 575

You deserved it 1 778

By anonymous - 06/07/2016 13:53 - United States

Today, I got a question wrong on an exam. The question started with, "In your opinion..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 665

You deserved it 2 000

By storrent - 05/10/2016 16:18 - United States - Houston

Today, I discovered that my band section had misspelled my name as "Joke" on our section poster. On purpose. It's supposed to be Jake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 625

You deserved it 818

By Mels - 06/01/2014 20:57 - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 999

You deserved it 15 752

By Anonymous - 21/06/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I was thinking about how people say if you're gradually introduced to a smell or you're forced to deal with enough, you'll stop noticing it. And how untrue that is. Especially when your roommates sneak a dead rabbit under your bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 443

You deserved it 2 888

From beyond

By hearingthings - 26/06/2012 02:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 259

You deserved it 6 534

Wakey wakey

By sacked - 22/02/2010 19:51 - United States

Today, I was woken by my alarm. I got really tangled up in my blankets, and struggled frantically to untangle myself so I could turn off the alarm. I not only kneed myself in the face, but I accidentally punched myself in the nuts too. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 379

You deserved it 24 037

By gunman - 20/10/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 938

You deserved it 45 291

I'm a loser baby

By cooldude - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 452

You deserved it 8 271

Mid-life crisis

By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 943

You deserved it 2 498

By elevatorFAIL - 10/08/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. After ringing the alarm bell consistantly for 10 minutes, I called someone I was staying with. She went down to the front desk and said that there were people stuck in the elevator. Front desk- "Is that what that is? I thought it was some kids messing around." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 973

You deserved it 2 952

elevatorFAIL tells us more.

elevatorFAIL 0

Wednesday 12 August 2009 2:49

To clear this up: it was mainly because the people in the hotel were not helpful at all and this was just one of the last straws. The FML part was the guy at the front desk of the hotel in New Orleans was like the most unhelpful person ever. And it's also kind of akward if you don't exactly get along with the person you're stuck with. And no, I am not usually claustrophobic, but in extreme cases, like such, it is rather disconcerting. As for the cell phone service in the elevator, we were only about 4 inches up from the ground floor. And if FML let me post a longer story, it would have been entirely different. If the girl I called had posted, it would have been mainly about the fact that the hilarity of this whole situation caused here to piss herself. Especially with the fact that our adult leader used force to open the elevator doors...

Good one, Debbie

By xXxJoe16xXx - 01/12/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied, "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 150

You deserved it 8 444

Heckler hell

By katie876 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 744

You deserved it 3 563

About that…

By Noname - 25/02/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "So when are you getting that nose job?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 033

You deserved it 6 865

Clumped

By Anonymous - 11/09/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, while at my parents' house, I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 505

You deserved it 18 098

By MLS - 14/02/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 379

You deserved it 5 368

By xnj319 - 12/03/2009 14:29 - Canada

Today, I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30am. I stuck my head out my window and yelled at them to shut up. They didn't stop. I walked out the front door to find the bastard. It was firemen. They were sawing down the door of my neighbour's burning house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 082

You deserved it 73 879

xnj319 tells us more.

xnj319 2

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:45

There aren't enough words allotted to tell a complete story... My sinuses are ****** in the morning, I can't smell anything until I go blow my nose. It was the neighbour's house across the street, which I can't see from my bedroom. And no, I heard no sirens. I live in a bad neighbourhood and have gotten used to sirens all night long, to the point where they no longer wake me.