Gross

Protein

By Nearly Crashed - 27/05/2013 13:42 - United States - Lake Hiawatha

Today, on my way home on my motorbike from a great party in the early hours of the morning, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Riding over a hill, I yawned in anticipation of climbing into bed. A huge winged bastard insect thing then flew straight into my throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 493

You deserved it 9 115

By Anon - 20/01/2017 22:00

Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 146

You deserved it 1 742

Mix up

By luckygirl - 06/06/2019 12:09

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 633

Pizza is pizza

By Terri - 01/08/2025 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tried to reheat some leftover pizza in the microwave but forgot to take the plastic wrap off. The microwave filled with smoke, and the plastic melted onto the pizza. I ate burnt plastic-flavored pizza for lunch, because pizza is pizza and I couldn't bring myself to through it away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 683

Pet this!

By shando - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a petting zoo with my niece and nephew. While we were checking out the llamas, one of them spat directly into my face. Disgusted and embarrassed, we turned away to pet a deer. The deer immediately urinated, then shook its tail, which splattered it into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 947

You deserved it 3 650

Thank you for your service

By vomitgirl - 28/04/2015 05:24 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions, and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 164

You deserved it 2 466

Great start to the day

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 02:01

Today, I had to catch a bus to work, as my car had to be taken in yesterday. The bad drivers always upset my stomach with their instant stop/start driving style. I felt a burp coming on, but it turned out to be projectile vomit that filled my mask right up and poured down my shirt and pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 220

Greased lightning

By NotMyFootprints - 20/01/2022 14:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my housemate whined at me for tracking dirt into the house, saying how she shouldn't have to mop the floor after me, and that we have a doormat for a reason. She'd have a point, except I always walk barefoot indoors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 155

The gall of it all

By Anonymous - 14/03/2023 00:00

Today, and every other day for the past week and a half, I have added a new step to my nightly routine: violently throwing up, just before bed. Fuck you, gallbladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 124

Our house, is a very very very fine house

By Anonymous - 24/03/2021 17:00

Today, my housemate, who never cleans, cooked tacos, then left her dishes for the rest of the evening. When shown a bowl of murky water in the sink, she denied it was hers, prompting my vegetarian housemate to clean it. Putting her hand in the bowl, she found a lump of raw taco meat. Yum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 179

Yummy

By Anonymous - 03/02/2025 12:00 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I was running late for work and skipped breakfast. At a red light, I noticed a granola bar in my bag and so I took a bite, only to realize it was actually a dog treat I'd stuffed in there days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181

You deserved it 459

Clever

By FMLTIMESTWO - 10/06/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 563

You deserved it 62 001

A matter of some urgency

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked, "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being a smart ass said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk… and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 695

You deserved it 3 608

The sweet smell of success

By stink stank stunk - 09/06/2022 22:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, as the only female manager, I had to talk to a worker about her hygiene. I asked if she had the means and a place to shower. She rolled her eyes and said of course she did, but found daily bathing unnecessary, and that a couple times a month does her just fine. The whole staff would disagree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 613

You deserved it 131

Fun night out

By highlydisgusted - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 274

You deserved it 4 842

I am the passenger

By Anonymous - 03/11/2024 22:00 - Canada - Victoria

Today, when I went to the bathroom, I found an earwig in my underpants. Yes, it was alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 72

Cocktail hour

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine. It wasn't, and someone had put their cigarette out in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 955

You deserved it 12 239

Gross

By Sticky floor - 27/07/2018 05:00

Today, my best friend and roommate has decided to "stop being controlled by society" while at home. This involves him walking around naked, masturbating whenever he wants, and not cleaning up his guys. I've stepped in it three times already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 918

You deserved it 394

Grunge

By Anonymous - 20/12/2024 20:00 - United States - Brunswick

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. As I was about to give him head, I saw he had so much left over toilet paper stuck to his nuts. It kind of turned me off but I didn't want to say anything because he's one of the sweetest guys ever. After he nutted, he got up and there was toilet paper crumbs on his bed and ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 266

Sharing is caring

By Carla J. - 19/12/2008 05:41 - France

Today, I got ready to stay over at my boyfriend's house. I brought food, new lingerie, and I got a bikini wax. I did stay overnight, but I was holding a bucket for him because he had gastroenteritis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 722

You deserved it 2 875

Growing old sucks

By Anonymous - 07/04/2023 00:00

Today, I've gotten to that point in life where I can no longer seem to trust a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 02/01/2010 22:27 - United States

Today, my mom informed me that my entire family puts their dirty towels on the towel rack in the bathroom instead of the hamper. I've been using their dirty towels after showers for as long as I remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 163

You deserved it 6 533

Ewwwwww

By Ese - 12/10/2018 12:00

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 650

You deserved it 971

Mild nightmare

By Sara Princess - 01/05/2023 03:00

Today, what should have been a perfect spring picnic, turned into a living nightmare. A salad from Subway was filled with hair. It was in a to go bag and I didn’t feel like going all the way back to the Subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 189

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 06/04/2022 00:01

Today, I found out my younger sister is too cheap to buy her own sex toys, so she has been borrowing mine. I clean mine thoroughly after use but apparently she just puts them back in the box after she’s done, while they’re still wet. Not gonna lie, I threw up a little after she'd admitted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 279

You deserved it 220

Alexa, play "Grounds for Divorce" by Elbow

By Anonymous - 16/07/2022 04:00

Today, I discovered a bunch of porn on my husband's laptop, cartoon stuff with rabbit girls and monsters with octopus tentacles, I felt physically sick and I don’t think I can stomach being married to him anymore. It was disgusting FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 2 935

Art installation

By Anonymous - 03/11/2023 04:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I discovered that if you cum down the sink every day for a year, it doesn't just wash away, it makes a gooey, half-cooked semen-baby that your dad has to pull out of the pipe when it gets clogged up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 788

Yucky!

By theapplesleader - 23/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 3 872

Fine, let her catch something

By JackG - 03/03/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year-old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother, who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year-old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 114

You deserved it 3 074

I remember this feeling

By AdultBaby? - 04/02/2022 08:01

Today, just like the past 10 days, I have COVID. Today was also the day my body decided to betray me. I threw up and simultaneously shit myself for the first time since I was in diapers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 124

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Random

Today, I made an attempt to be nicer to customers at my job as instructed, which resulted in me listening to a handful of elderly people's incontinence issues, and a meth-addict's multiple abortions in detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 777

You deserved it 1 798

Today, I was fired for "smelling like garbage". I'm the guy who throws the garbage into the truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 001

You deserved it 2 672

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 529

You deserved it 54

Today, I walked out of my college dorm to see that the intelligent person who locked their bike next to mine decided as an added security they would lock their bike to the rack, and to my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 028

You deserved it 2 347

Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year-old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 895

You deserved it 6 074

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend, whom I'd been in love with since I was 19, wants to be back with his baby momma. His dad, after finding out that he has cancer, offered to marry me and adopt my kids to collect his SSI checks in case he dies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 461

You deserved it 147