Crime

Time to call it quits

By Cooky - 14/03/2010 09:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 475

You deserved it 6 739

Send help!

By Anonymous - 24/08/2023 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my son and daughter-in-law are both going to jail for the same crime. I’m recently retired but I’m now stuck raising their bratty 15 year-old and their new baby, who’s less than a year old. I’m nearly 70 years-old, I can’t do this shit anymore. I certainly can’t afford it on a pension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 123

You deserved it 124

There goes the neighborhood

By Lorky - 08/05/2020 02:00 - United States

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 152

****** around, found out

By I blame Youtube - 05/01/2023 00:00

Today, my teenage son broke into my gun safe, took my gun, and dumped the magazine into the side of his ex-girlfriend's family home. He's completely stunned that he was arrested and charged with attempted murder. My wife blames me and wants a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 505

You deserved it 717

Renegade

By Anonymous - 23/04/2023 06:00

Today, my man got arrested for starting a fistfight with a cashier who wouldn't let him smuggle out groceries without paying. It gets worse; two weeks ago he got arrested mugging a guy at a gas station, and he's still on bail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 271

You deserved it 1 271

Late stage capitalism

By Stupidtechnology - 29/10/2022 10:00

Today, being poor and starving, I stole a chick’s iPhone while she wasn’t looking. Turns out, she has a feature on her Apple Watch that can track the iPhone and make it go off, even if it’s on silent mode. I had to pretend I just found it and was looking for the owner so I didn’t look like a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 2 526

USA! USA! USA!

By Anonymous - 04/02/2025 12:00 - United States

Today, yet another American sports team was shown to be monsters (New Orleans Saints). Helping to cover up children predators should be exposed, not swept under the rug. I hate being American. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 166

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

By irony, huh? - 20/10/2019 14:00

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 117

Misunderstood

By Anonymous - 05/10/2022 03:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Today, I was jogging and was about to pass a woman ahead of me. I called out I was passing so she wouldn’t be scared. She waited till I was right next to her and pepper-sprayed my eyes while screaming, "Rapist." The cops were there in less than 5 minutes, and even though I was blinded, they still handcuffed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 134

Choose your family

By family is bullshit - 06/06/2021 08:01

Today, I've been guilt tripped, ranted at, called names, ostracized and told what a horrible person I am for, "turning my back on family." My former brother is in jail for unspeakable crimes, yet somehow I’m the bad guy for not standing by and supporting him or offering to help pay for a lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 328

You deserved it 92

Mad lad

By Bob H. - 26/10/2014 13:54 - Canada - Québec

Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 906

You deserved it 5 431

WTF Mom?

By Username - 25/11/2012 23:36 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 138

You deserved it 1 905

Elaborate backstory

By lordoftheweird - 06/06/2024 00:00 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I found out both my parents are career criminals. My dad expects me to join the "family business" and my mom has decided that they'll "never get her alive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 541

You deserved it 101

Get 'em!

By Gosh Darn Phone Thief - 11/12/2020 23:02

Today, somebody grabbed my phone out of my hands and ran away with it. I'm a cross country runner, albeit one with stress fractures, but I was able to catch up with them and get my phone back. Unfortunately, the running aggravated my stress fractures and I have to get a plaster cast. Merry fricking Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 154

You deserved it 110

Bad girls

By Anonymous - 22/09/2022 01:30 - Austria - Graz

Today, I was meeting up with my three best friends from high school. I spent the entire day and some money to plan a wild girls' night, only to find out their day ends in the afternoon. All three wear ankle bracelets and have a strict curfew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 269

Isn't that, like, a crime?

By notkatvond - 19/06/2013 18:46 - United States

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 315

You deserved it 4 129

Creepy

By TraumaPhobe - 02/01/2022 16:58

Today, I went out in public for the first time in four months since I was mugged and stabbed. Today, I also found out the guy who did it was out on bail. I discovered this walking across the road from the shopping centre where it happened, and he was crossing the road towards me, smiling the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 111

Vandals

By Interpid traveler - 07/09/2021 05:01

Today, I was woken up by my wife calling the police because our garden had been ransacked during the night. A whole row of houses has had their plants uprooted, greenhouses broken into and garden tools stolen. The cops haven't found any leads and I feel terrible for my wife, who poured her heart and soul into that garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 735

You deserved it 95

Sometimes, family shouldn't stick together

By Anonymous - 21/05/2021 07:59

Today, I learned that my family only came to the state I live in because my great grandfather was caught molesting his own children. He was never convicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 72

White collar crime

By potting shed woman - 27/05/2021 04:01

Today, after I told my boss I'd found a serious error that cost the company thousands each year, I found out he'd fled abroad. Turns out the error was him stealing for the past 40 years, our entire department is under investigation and the owner is considering scrapping our office and firing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 90

Call the cops

By Anonymous - 08/03/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my fiancé bought my engagement ring with money he earned by selling my nudes to online perverts. I don’t even know how or when he took those photos, I’ve never ever allowed him to take photos of me naked. It’s disgusting FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 155

Isn't that, like, a crime?

By Dan - 22/09/2024 20:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, while swimming in a lake, I was feeling frisky so I dropped my swimsuit and went underwater and masturbated. After I came, I resurfaced and saw two girls giggling. With their goggles they'd seen the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 937

Albatross around my neck

By josh9792 - 23/02/2023 18:00

Today, after moving in with a friend I've known for 9 years, I found out he's going to jail soon, and refuses to work or get a new job, making me unable to pay rent as he eats all my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 180

Divorce impending

By Anonymous - 04/05/2021 20:01

Today, I got a phone call from my husband in jail. He was detained for statutory rape. The girl was his 15 year-old coworker at McDonald’s. He’s 42. I can’t tell which is worse, the fact that we have a daughter the same age, or that he actually wanted me to bail him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 861

You deserved it 129

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 827

You deserved it 5 943

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 153

You deserved it 10 051

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 362

You deserved it 4 948

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 175

You deserved it 7 331

Today, I came home to find my husband’s disgusting pig of a sister let herself in while we were at work and decided to take a nap in our bed. Not only did she not ask to visit, she left a huge smelly period stain on my favorite sheets. No apology, no attempt to clean up. I didn’t give her a key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 806

You deserved it 98

Today, I found out that they won't hold my stimulus for child support, only to find out that they withheld it to give it to me when I file my taxes. Which child support will take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 513

You deserved it 1 904