The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Buzzkill

By ouch - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Nashville

Today, for the fifth time since my parents got divorced, my father has decided he doesn't want to pick me up for his weekend because I'm "too responsible to have fun with." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 643

You deserved it 6 190

By over prtective father - 24/06/2014 04:35 - United States - Washington

Today, it became apparent that my father knows more about my boyfriend than I do because he spends so much time interrogating him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 643

You deserved it 5 560

Where'd you go?

By omgjessp - 19/07/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 642

You deserved it 3 997

Leaking

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our local supermarket. Ten feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants' legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new supermarket, maybe a new town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 642

You deserved it 3 641

By screwed - 18/06/2011 08:51 - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 641

You deserved it 4 972

Mr Tickle

By tortured - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 641

You deserved it 4 668

By haileelouxxx - 22/08/2014 12:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 641

You deserved it 5 434

Kids…

By Satan'sChildren - 28/04/2013 02:30 - United States - Oak Creek

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 640

You deserved it 3 270

By IcyWinter - 02/04/2014 08:16 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 639

You deserved it 6 507

It's for the best

By yesguysgetabusedtoo - 24/05/2013 23:42 - New Zealand - Papamoa

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 638

You deserved it 6 956

Ninjas are everywhere

By Nancy - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone had cut off half of my ponytail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 635

You deserved it 4 598

By frownyface - 14/01/2012 17:32 - United States

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 633

You deserved it 3 202

That helped

By nevergonnatrust - 18/11/2010 09:23

Spicy

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 633

You deserved it 3 628

By Username - 17/03/2010 00:46 - France

Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 633

You deserved it 6 643

Contacts

By Mr.no contacts - 31/03/2013 07:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 633

You deserved it 5 742

By lonely - 05/02/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 633

You deserved it 3 270

By fmylifebigtime - 25/02/2012 14:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 630

You deserved it 3 493

By Raven3434 - 27/09/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out that he has kidney failure. He was feeling sick for a few weeks and I had told him to drink lots of fluids and eat vegetables. Apparently that is really bad for kidney patients. I was killing him with water and spinach salads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 629

You deserved it 11 274

Raven3434 tells us more.

Raven3434 0

Tuesday 29 September 2009 6:20

Just to put it out there, he had complete kidney failure. He is now on dialysis. His kidneys are toast and he needs a transplant. Apparently it was caused by years of high blood pressure. His kidneys were in trouble before we even met. And I had been encouraging him to go to the doctor. He had seen a few doctors, but nobody diagnosed him until his lungs were full of fluid. He can't drink too much fluid because he can't get rid of it without dialysis. He cant eat too many fruits or vegetables because he can't process out the extra phosphate and potassium. He also has to limit his sodium, but that wasn't part of my original post. Just wanted to clarify things. Thanks to all of you out there who offered support. Its been a really hard time.

Am I being detained?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for "impeding a police officer." My car was in my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 629

You deserved it 2 637

How's about now?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 629

You deserved it 16 408

Breathtaking

By Anonymous - 31/12/2012 02:45 - United States - Bethesda

Spicy

Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 626

You deserved it 5 565

By Patricia - 01/10/2011 23:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home, he was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 625

You deserved it 5 731

By cheerbabeXoXo - 29/06/2013 21:49 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 622

You deserved it 4 995

By uncleaning - 22/07/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 619

You deserved it 4 610

Is this a joke?

By phantomdriver - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge… while we were crossing a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 618

You deserved it 3 687

Bizarre love triangle

By addicted2v - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 616

You deserved it 4 265

She goes to another school

By Wow. - 18/12/2013 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 614

You deserved it 15 197

By Chewy - 05/01/2010 10:45 - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 613

You deserved it 4 278

Record breakers

By fatmom - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Royal Tunbridge Wells

Today, I came home from work to find my son and his friends attempting to find out how many of them could fit into one of my pairs of pants. So far, five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 612

You deserved it 21 593

By anonymous - 02/07/2013 21:08 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 612

You deserved it 3 218

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was at my nursing internship. After helping a patient get into bed, I began to walk out of the room when I heard him say to another nurse, "Now that was a king sized lady". To make things even better, she didn't understand him the first time and I got to hear him say it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 670

You deserved it 5 011

Today, I saw my husband at a restaurant, laughing with a hot woman. He'd told me he was at a meeting with the VP of his company. Furious, I barged in and started screaming at them, calling him a cheater and a liar. Turns out the woman was actually the VP of his company, and they were in the middle of the meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 304

You deserved it 3 736

Today, I was on the couch watching Dr. Phil. My cat walked in, took one look at the screen, and immediately backed up into the coffee table in front of me and sprayed with all of his might. Not only was the table hit, but so was I. I guess he’s not a huge fan of Dr. Phil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 324

Today, we're in the middle of remodeling our bathroom and the hallway of our apartment. We hired a great guy and he does a really good job, but there's a lot of dust and no way to clean properly until everything is done. My wife is pissed with me because I work from home and don't clean everything every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 149

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 633

You deserved it 28 154

Today, unbeknownst to me, my wife cancelled our airplane tickets because she didn't want to face her fear of flying like we had agreed. Now, we're going to have to take another week off so I can drive 3000 miles cross country, while she sleeps in the shotgun seat because her licence expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 569

You deserved it 586