Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, while swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and, in the heat of the moment, I cried out for him to go harder. He then had an exasperated expression on his face, and, in an adamantly offended tone, said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he left the room. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML
Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML
Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML
Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML
Today, I returned to work after testing out my theory yesterday that absolutely nobody would notice or care if I just did not show up. So far so good. FML
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure he was using the pool noodle to attack the furniture.
Viking helmets and pool noodles? I'm gonna have to remember that next time I get drunk it sounds like fun