Your everyday life stories - FML

Congratulations!

jennabee97 - 08/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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Anonymous - 20/06/2014 19:21 - United States - Concord

Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML

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ClaustrophobicNightmares - 28/03/2014 08:42 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

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lonely girl - 11/03/2013 04:17 - United States

Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML

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crazymirrors - 28/07/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that we should go to the carnival in the Bizarre House place where there were a lot of crazy mirrors. I checked myself out in one of the mirrors. Then my boyfriend says "That will probably be the only time you will ever look that skinny." FML

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I can't unsee it

meikd423 - 10/09/2010 16:36 - France

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML

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fouryearswasted - 19/12/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

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wellokaythen - 14/05/2013 19:52 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

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Tired - 20/03/2013 20:26 - United States

Today, I walked into an exam after having stayed up 20 straight hours studying. The professor looked at me and muttered, "Don't bother, I'm failing you either way." FML

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Art is art

ashamed father - 09/03/2014 22:32 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

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Anonymous - 15/08/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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DntH8 - 23/06/2009 07:21 - United States

Today, my little nieces and nephews were about to have a water balloon fight. I was told to take pictures. They hit me. And my $600 camera. FML

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DntH8

DntH8 0

Tuesday 23 June 2009 20:40

I'm a poor college student so spending several thousand dollars on camera is way out of my budget. Trust me. It wasn't my idea to use my SLR. And if I had had it my way I'd have told my family members to shove it and put their own camera in the line of fire.

Anonymous - 20/07/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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ineedayob - 18/05/2013 20:36 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

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JRock - 22/02/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

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Anonymous - 14/02/2019 16:35 - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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Ouchie

Anonymous - 10/07/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

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shrimp41 - 14/05/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

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Home sweet home

Anon - 30/04/2014 02:07 - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

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nemesis5196523 - 03/12/2013 19:45 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

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iailwkrb - 26/02/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

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Tim - 03/08/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

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Waiting for that trickle down

amused - - Canada - Toronto

Today, I looked at my bank balance. It read $1.23. That's higher than it usually is. FML

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soccer_bball - 14/10/2013 19:32 - United States - Frisco

Today, I was at the dentist. I ended up having some work done and left with a numb mouth. I have school pictures in less than 2 hours and I can neither smile nor stop drooling everywhere. FML

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Anonymous - 02/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

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Anonymous - 22/02/2014 02:47 - United States - Irvine

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

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Make it stop

Elephant1718 - 12/06/2013 01:16 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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Please leave

bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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Anonymous - 30/07/2013 06:52 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, as I have lately, I’ve been feeling like my boss finds any excuse to be upset with me and tell me how I’m doing wrong, when most times it’s just so stupid there’s really no point in it. For reference, I work in long term care. I messaged her and she got upset with me because she saw my name pop up and overreacted. FML

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Today, my sister has been going on and on about how sexy her new doctor is. She’s been plotting to fake an illness just to see him again. When I explained that doctors are professionals and even if he were interested it would be unethical for him to say so, she called me a fat, jealous loser. FML

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Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

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Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

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Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

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Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

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