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    : 320



    Stealthy

    jessye1182 - - United States - Yaphank

    Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML
    22 980
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    Work sucks

    Anonymous - - United States - Yellow Springs

    Today, my friend explained that his internship was clearly worse than mine because he got yelled at by clients. One of my clients ripped out my hair. FML
    22 886
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    Horny and dumb

    Anonymous - - United States - Lehigh Acres

    Today, I found out my husband pretends to be a young, bisexual woman online. As if that isn't bad enough, he flipped out and didn't believe me when I told him the other "young, bisexual women" he's been beating it to are probably middle-aged men too. FML
    22 792
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    Get out of here

    Anon - - United States

    Today, I was telling my coworker that I was considering quitting the shady, 50-shades-of-scum business we work at. He snitched to our boss, who quickly fired me on bullshit charges of incompetence, theft, and workplace bullying. I guess I'm not getting a good reference from him. FML
    22 726
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    Thrashed

    Ringo McDingo - - United States

    Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML
    22 562
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    Could it be possible…?

    so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

    Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML
    22 554
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    It's coming!

    badmom - - Canada - Saint Catharines

    Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML
    22 476
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    Hey!

    Richocet - - Canada

    Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I saw my dad on a bike, so I shouted after him. He turned his head around and then ran into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML
    22 352
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    Big wuss

    tessisue - - Germany

    Today, I visited the hospital with my boyfriend to have an injury checked. When the doctor removed the band-aid, my boyfriend started screaming and passed out. I had to get him out of the room using a wheelchair. The "injury" is a cut on his finger. FML
    22 193
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    Consistent

    Username -

    Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML
    21 968
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    I'm awake

    meh beard - - Canada - Bowmanville

    Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML
    21 926
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    Many such cases

    clitorasaurus - - Canada

    Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML
    21 801
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    Congratulations!

    Anonymous - - Ukraine - Kiev

    Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML
    21 706
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    Day terrors

    Shameonme - - Morocco

    Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML
    21 696
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    Richard

    dickface - - United States - Lewisburg

    Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML
    21 629
    1 620
      

    Baby Bird

    bird problems - - United States - Salt Lake City

    Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML
    21 612
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    Pros and cons

    GrandTheftArson - - Canada - Waterloo

    Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML
    21 576
    1 638
      

    Tipsy

    Anon - - United States - Fayetteville

    Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
    21 566
    4 285
      

    It's not what you think

    Shopper - - United States

    Today, I was shopping with a friend. We snuck into the same fitting room so we could give our opinions on each other's clothes. The suspicious saleswoman knocked on the door and asked how many people were in our room. I quickly answered, "It's OK. She's just watching." FML
    21 556
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    Lawyer up

    gnofin - - United States

    Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, which hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML
    20 941
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    Blast from the past

    kjcarey123 - - United States

    Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied, "The round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now I'm the asshole of the office. FML
    20 545
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    Thanks for your concern

    nothealthy - - United States - Minneapolis

    Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML
    20 492
    1 305
      

    Too little, too late

    ThrewItOntheGrooooooound - - Denmark - Odense

    Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML
    20 227
    1 892
      

    Jorts it is

    pantless - - United States - San Francisco

    Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML
    19 839
    1 316
      

    Industrial logs

    wow - - United States

    Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML
    19 693
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    Not on the weekend

    jtaylor94 - - Canada

    Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said, "Is your dad home?" I replied, "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says, "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML
    19 504
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    Annoyed

    Cammy - - United Kingdom

    Today, I was pissed off. I kicked a soccer ball into my wall, and it bounced back, hit my head, and knocked me into the wall behind me. My head hurts like hell. Even inanimate objects hate me. FML
    19 473
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    Spud

    cheat - - United States

    Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm "so slow a turtle could kick my ass" and that he has "a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend." FML
    19 331
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    Unbelievable

    Anonymous - - United States

    Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML
    19 302
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    The Hangover

    Anonymous - - United States - Newark

    Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML
    19 188
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    FMyLife FMyLife
    FMyLife FMyLife
    Today, I confronted my coworker, who I had a crush on, for lying to me. He’d told me he was gay when I asked him out. He’s now dating another coworker of mine who’s a woman. He took this up with my boss, and I was written up for “creating a hostile work environment.” FML
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    Today, my funny, handsome, intelligent, caring, all around awesome boyfriend and I broke up. He introduced me to his fetish and wanted me to participate. His fetish? Dressing, talking, and acting like a baby. He wanted us to both wear diapers and pretend to be babies together. Fuck that noise. FML
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    Today, my online ad was deleted for being in the wrong category. I'm looking for a good home for two old horses, so I'd put the ad in the category “Horses”. Maybe I should try again under “Lawn Mowers”? FML
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    Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML
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    Today, I found an empty parking space in a crowded parking lot. When I came back later, a lady and a cop were standing by my car. Her car used to be parked there and got stolen. They think I'm involved. FML
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    Today, my boyfriend and I decided to get married after only six months because of an accidental but happy pregnancy. We’ve spent thousands on the wedding and baby stuff. Apparently it was money wasted, because I just got my period, despite not having one for three months and a positive pregnancy test. FML
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