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Today was my first success! ... Sort of. Anyone else have parents like this? I finally managed to lie undetected but.. Well.. Like I said, sort of a success.

By future brain bleach addict - 02/05/2013 23:54 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I walked in on my sister apparently trying to eat herself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 135

You deserved it 8 585

By I hate retail - 17/10/2016 22:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for refusing to give a found credit card to a woman it didn't belong to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 092

You deserved it 773

By eyebags - 10/10/2016 13:04 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 503

You deserved it 920

By Szaszaspasz - 24/08/2015 22:35 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my date came to pick me up for a date. As I was getting into his car, a large blister on my foot burst. My foot is now swimming in a pool of hot, liquid pus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 881

You deserved it 3 095

Szaszaspasz tells us more.

Szaszaspasz 26

Wednesday 26 August 2015 2:28

Hi! It's the OP. The blister formed earlier in the day because of a new pair of running shoes I was breaking in. The blister didn't seem too bad, but it got filled up as the day progressed. As I got into the car, it burst. I never let on because my shoes were not open-toes. The date was great, we went to Pizza Hut, but I got tomato sauce on my outfit. I'm a klutz FML This was in 1990. I was too nervous to run back up to my barracks and do something about the blister. I was 19 at the time.

Ya Dun Goofed

By AngelNi - 11/08/2017 21:45 - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, I finally went out on a date with a cute guy. At the end of the date he said, "hey I'm hungry, I've got pasta at home. Do you like pasta?" I replied without hesitation, "not much, I'm gluten-intolerant." I realized about 3 hours later that he probably wanted to invite me to his place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 907

You deserved it 1 959

Don't be a dingdong

By Steve - 03/04/2021 21:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter's boyfriend came to the house to pick her up. As a responsible father, I had an evil plan to torture the boy who dares date my girl, but my wife preempted my plan so during his short visit, she stood behind me the whole time with her taser down my buttcrack in case I acted up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 2 813

By eun - 09/04/2009 01:42 - Canada

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 276

You deserved it 12 447

By Anonymous - 20/09/2017 04:30

Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 401

You deserved it 221

By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - 12/09/2016 10:51 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 354

You deserved it 2 915

By emkaycutie - 29/03/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 211

You deserved it 200 113

Showtime

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 315

By CliffyB03 - 01/08/2016 21:00 - United States - Coraopolis

Today, while at work as a cashier, one lady's total was $1.32. She handed me the dollar, and then apologized. When I looked at her, confused as to what she was sorry about, she went wrist deep into her bra, grabbed some change, and quickly put it into my hand. It was wet and it smelt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 336

You deserved it 2 254

CliffyB03 tells us more.

CliffyB03 28

Tuesday 2 August 2016 16:10

I'm actually surprised this one got published. But it was 90 degrees out, and my hand smelt like boob sweat for a good half hour until I was able to go a scrub my hand clean.

By slaughterteddy - 20/07/2016 23:23 - United States

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 056

You deserved it 2 557

By Anonameow - 19/07/2016 13:49

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 905

You deserved it 2 510

Busted

By well SHIT - 27/02/2014 21:46 - United States - Little Elm

Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 876

You deserved it 61 792

What is the real feeling?

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 05:15

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 2 486

By ZombiexIce - 10/02/2014 03:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, something ran across my foot while I was on the toilet. Hearing me scream, my husband ran in. We now have a new "pet" mouse named Jerry that I am not allowed to kill under threat of divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 450

You deserved it 5 789

ZombiexIce tells us more.

ZombiexIce 6

Monday 10 February 2014 19:41

Hey, this is the OP. I have owned rats and mice as pets, but with a wild one you really don't want them running loose around a toddler. As for getting a cat, I have been trying to get a kitten for my son, but our landlord wants a huge deposit. We are buying a humane trap and letting him go somewhere far away. We have temporarily plugged the hole he was using to get in until payday. My husband was jokingly threatening. He is just a big softie sometimes. :) We got a good laugh out of this, before I realized it was a mouse I ran screaming out of the bathroom with my pants around my knees. Glad everyone got a laugh out of this, we did!

By it's just hair - 15/02/2018 19:00

Today, I was sent home from work because my new haircut "looks too much like Hitler's" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 015

You deserved it 763

From the bottom of my... stomach?

By WhyICantHaveNiceThings - 15/03/2018 19:00

Today, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview someone I’ve greatly admired for years and grew up watching. I was naturally nervous, but I didn’t expect to be so nervous I would throw up on him in the first 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 164

You deserved it 489

By ginya - 07/06/2016 01:58 - United States - Bedford

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 494

You deserved it 1 090

By MercyRoseLiddell - 27/05/2016 19:13 - United States - Wayne

Today, my skittish cat almost fell off my bed. He caught himself, though. Using his claws on my bare foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 948

You deserved it 1 414

MercyRoseLiddell tells us more.

MercyRoseLiddell 8

Saturday 4 June 2016 2:51

More info - This actually happened a few weeks ago, so all I have left is a scar. Only 2 of my cat's claws caught my foot. The rest caught the bed. This incident happened at 4am. The cat in question is our super skittish semi-feral baby. We got him at 3 months old and completely feral. He's now 8 months and really sweet. He is my cat pretty much. He follows me up to bed and around the house and always wants cuddles when I wake up in the middle of the night. Yes it hurt, but I wasn't even mad. I've had worse. Both from our other cats and from him. In fact, my family and I laughed about it the next day because cats aren't usually so clumsy.