The Top

My nick's misleading, but that is my name and I am a girl! Anyways. Thought I'd tell you all that I didn't get fired (O.o)/ However, I did have to give him (boss) an (exceptionally awkward) explanation because he thought I was watching funny youtube videos. He just keeps giving me the weirdest/funniest friggin' looks, and now uses the the keyword "Deep Purple" to get me to make him coffee. This acrid event seems to have made us friends. Thankfully my bowels have re-aligned to perfectly silent working condition. God, I hope he doesn't bring this up at the next work party. /dies

By noway6000 - 03/03/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 572

You deserved it 94 812

By Anonymous - 18/05/2015 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 416

You deserved it 2 652

Classic

By Noname - 24/02/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number, "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue." He told me, "Yeah, sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away, I read his note, which read: "911". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 314

You deserved it 50 389

By Sexless from Texas - 24/04/2015 11:38 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 098

You deserved it 13 858

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 16:44 - France

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 635

You deserved it 8 320

Hi, how are you?

By kaz89 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation between a coworker and a new employee. The new girl was trying to get familiar with people's names, and she asked my coworker, "Which one is Heather?" He answered, "The annoying one." She said, "Oh, that's Heather." I'm Heather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 981

You deserved it 8 446

By AnnoyedWoman - 17/08/2014 10:19 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 477

You deserved it 5 610

By a single fuck - 23/05/2013 16:40 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 119

You deserved it 3 109

By knicksfan - 05/04/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 044

You deserved it 6 611

Brain fart

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 14:58 - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 385

You deserved it 72 357

By Gutted. - 21/03/2009 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 343

You deserved it 6 790

By imgay - 23/06/2015 02:20 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I discovered that most of my family is homophobic while discussing Orange Is The New Black. I've only come out to my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 743

You deserved it 2 944

By yogabbagabba - 03/09/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 211

You deserved it 38 775

By singlesoon - 25/08/2009 04:26 - Canada

Today, I bailed my soon to be ex-husband out of jail after he'd been arrested for soliciting. Soliciting an undercover cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 764

You deserved it 7 161

Sure, it's always the woman's fault

By Anonymous - 09/03/2015 22:59 - United States - Framingham

Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 841

You deserved it 2 453

By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 06:37 - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 756

You deserved it 4 871

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shouted back in unison: "We're fucking! Go away!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 130

You deserved it 8 212

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 941

You deserved it 373

Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 579

You deserved it 15 620

Today, several coworkers think the operation scar on my wrist is really a failed suicide attempt, because I study design and apparently, "Artists are suicidal, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 400

You deserved it 1 734

Today, I have a cold. I can't begin to count how many times I've sneezed throughout the day, but I can count how many times I've sneezed so hard that I've peed myself: twice. Once while I was at work helping a customer, the other while sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 854

You deserved it 2 563

Today, I got a nose piercing. I was asleep at the time in my backyard, and the piercer was a snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 717

You deserved it 2 976