Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML
Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML
Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17 years-old, and was deadly serious. FML
Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML
Today, I got told I am not a good fit for a company because I'm disabled. But that's OK, I can volunteer for the same role, as I don't really need to work anyway, because I'm disabled apparently. FML
Today, my girlfriend screamed at me for "disciplining" her son, saying, "You're not his father!" I've lived with them for two years, supporting them, while his real father is off shooting up heroin, but sure, I'm out of line for telling the little brat that I don't like being called "Butt-crack." FML
Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML
why didn't your boyfriend bring you to the party he was at?? isn't that what relationships are all about?
And you couldn't crash one of them?