Sex

Sexy time

Anonymous - 30/07/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

25 517

59 464

Prissy

Anonymous - 29/07/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

68 611

7 292

Beam me up!

saynotochrispine - 28/07/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that we could try living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML

48 340

7 968

That bastard!

omgwtfsam - 27/07/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

51 269

19 431

Alexa, play "Patchwork" by Tindersticks

OneYearMistake. - 22/07/2009 23:35 - United Kingdom

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

55 909

6 122

Thanks!

uh-oh - 21/07/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, dropped a condom on the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!" FML

61 156

30 948

Classic blunder

Anonymous - 20/07/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important Powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my Mac, saying, "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

40 250

10 559

Fair warning

Alwayshappens2me - 17/07/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, it doesn't mean your mom won't walk into your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

42 495

10 525

Romantic

robinhoood - 12/07/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

77 190

13 570

Anonymous - 06/07/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

58 289

7 299

Hang up

hangup - 04/07/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who is vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

63 958

3 305

First time?

kelscait - 01/07/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

22 057

57 467

Bulldogs09 - 01/07/2009 04:41 - France

Today, I finally hooked up with the boy of my dreams at a party. Later, while on AIM, I noticed one of his friend's away messages was a quote from the guy's screen name, which said, "I can't believe what I stick my dick In sometimes." FML

46 760

12 477

Spyware

Anonymous - 26/06/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

68 866

10 938

Anonymous - 22/06/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting it on when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

53 412

11 798

Let down

anonymous - 21/06/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML

63 262

17 287

Queasy

ohdeardarling - 14/06/2009 13:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else had left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML

13 825

60 642

Charming

lagirl - 09/06/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML

56 490

70 404

Camping out

Baggabbles123 - 08/06/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent, causing the girl to scream and run away. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

77 435

9 348

Work harder

zep - 07/06/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. FML

20 371

79 737

ailat0107 - 31/05/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year-old man who came up and handed us, "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

50 225

5 670

Inappropriate, honey

Jessica - 15/05/2009 00:03 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop "pretending to be daddy" against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

35 129

47 724

Priorities

MacBook - 14/05/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, my dad was in town for a day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dad's slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. In total, we talked for 15 minutes. FML

86 060

4 193

Choking hazard

notsexy - 09/05/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

34 109

83 441

Up your game

Anonymous - 06/05/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

54 590

12 091

Get on with it, dude

alpine75 - 03/05/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door. A clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was OK. I have to go back next week. FML

62 028

8 543

Anonymous - 30/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

110 257

17 617

Strange kink

Anonymous - 28/04/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he got a call from his best friend, whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzipped his pants and mouthed, "She won't know." FML

72 008

7 537

Horny devil

jimboxo - 26/04/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, my fiancée got out of the shower, completely shaved. I went over to her, wrapped her in a hug and asked her what the occasion was. She pulled away and said that she had a gyno appointment. My fiancée will clean up for the gyno, but not for me. FML

56 729

10 966

Suggestions for you

Anonymous - 24/04/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

66 918

9 078

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

61 851

6 536

Today, I went on a date with a girl who told me, “Sunny weather makes me depressed.” I’d hate to see what’s she’s like when it rains. FML

746

241

Today, I was sick during the night and had to puke. I had no bucket or trashcan nearby, so I ended up puking on the floor. However, because it was so dark, I didn't notice my cat lying in the exact spot where I puked. She was not amused, giving me the mother of all death glares before she started puking herself. FML

480

153

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

11 892

1 447

Today, I love my partner but also have negative thoughts as well. She stopped being interested in me about 6 months into our relationship. We have been together for 12 years. We have made love on 3 different occasions in the last 4 years. FML

950

464

Today, my friend's brother is severely gorgeous. He is also off-limits because she isn't very fond of him. I also don't want her to think I'm using her to get with him because she's a newer friend and I didn't know she had a brother until I saw him, and I'd rather be her friend than his girlfriend… BUT HE'S BEAUTIFUL. FML

259

216