Kids

Juicer

Anonymous - 05/09/2022 18:00

Today, while I was gambling at a casino, my daughter call me. Then added her mother. And then added her dance teacher, my side piece. The call got so loud the Pit Boss had to escort me out. FML

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The R-word

How old am I again? - 04/09/2022 17:30 - United States

Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML

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My brother, the doofus

AshlynnPrime - - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

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Assumptions

Anonymous - 04/09/2022 09:30

Today, I was called a paedophile and was physically attacked, because I parked in a spot directly next to a McDonald’s outdoor play area and sat there for a while. I was waiting for my drive-through order, in the spot where the staff told me to wait. FML

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Wizard skills

Patrick - 04/09/2022 04:30

Today, I was looking after my 9 year-old nephew when I let him play some web games on my MacBook. A few hours later, I found out I'd underestimated his tech skills, as he'd changed all my contacts to "Mr. Spongebob Squarepants." Thanks to iCloud, all contacts on all my devices were changed. FML

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Never let your guard down

Nanana32 - - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

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Not helping

jshsnan - - United States - San Francisco

Today, while trying to calm down my four-year-old son who was having a tantrum in a store, a man walked up to me and said, "You couldn't have worn a condom?" FML

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Respect the herb

Anonymous - 01/09/2022 10:00

Today I’d been saving a weed cigarette, which is legal where we live, until my parents went on holiday. I had just sparked up when they came back home after dad forgot his passport. The lecture I had to endure went on for so long, I think I’d have preferred an old-fashioned beating. FML

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Living through this

wander - 01/09/2022 04:00

Today, one of my classmates put hand sanitizer on my seat. I took one look at my seat and said, “You honestly believe I’m going to fall for that?” I then got laughed at anyway, because I’m disliked enough for them to do that. That’s right, I get bullied for being bullied. FML

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135

Unwelcome visitor

Anonymous - 01/09/2022 01:00 - United Kingdom - Barking

Today, my daughter has been such a bridezilla that her fiancé actually dumped her. He treated her well, was handsome, and rich to boot, while still working at his career, yet she couldn’t calm down enough to see she was ruining her life. Now, after the breakup, she's moved back in with me. FML

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Three long months

blargerpanda - 31/08/2022 13:00 - United States - Calistoga

Today, it's been over three months since my ex and I split up. It's also been three months since I've seen my step-daughter. Being an ex-stepfather is heartbreaking. FML

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All you need is hate

Anonymous - 31/08/2022 12:00

Today, I wore a t-shirt that had a rainbow-ish multicolored design when I went to drop off my daughter at school. Another parent threatened to “call the authorities” on me for wanting to “poison” children with “f**got memorabilia,” and to “stop pushing my agenda” on them. I’m a straight dude. FML

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Creepy kid

Anonymous - 29/08/2022 22:00

Today, I took my boys over to their grandmother’s house. We had a nice supper together. We all talked, played board games, and watched TV. After a while, I couldn’t find my 13 year-old son. He was in his 67 year-old grandmother’s master bathroom, jerking off with her dirty granny panties. FML

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Fortress of solitude

Anonymous - 29/08/2022 18:00

Today, my son hates people so much he's working three jobs to be able move out and pay for his own place. He got the keys today and when I asked if he was having a housewarming party, he told me he’s not giving his address out to anyone, and no one is invited, ever, not even me. FML

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Little shit

emmalou - 29/08/2022 06:00

Today, my son tried extort me into turning the WiFi back on by hiding my purse. He was mad because he'd lost access for being disrespectful. FML

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White light/White heat

Anonymous - 27/08/2022 10:00 - Australia

Today, I didn't get to sleep until 5 a.m., as I stayed up to finish off a big project that I have been working on for the past week. I was then woken up at 6 a.m. by my daughter saying she was ready for school. School starts at 9 a.m., and is a 2-minute drive away. I'm now at work, living off an hour of sleep and coffee. FML

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But I love her…

Anonymous - 27/08/2022 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my son's girlfriend and I’m convinced he’s lost his damn mind. She was rude, racist and offensive, grossly obese, absolutely stank of unwashed body odour, her clothes were filthy, and she dropped cigarette ash everywhere she felt like it. I’m stunned, completely stunned. FML

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Get out

Let Me go - 27/08/2022 02:00

Today, my husband needs the money from my job, but will in no way support me to work. He NEVER cooks, cleans, or picks up after himself. I've got no place to work, except a nook by the bathroom, and I have to manage my toddler, who always poops only when I'm in a meeting, and cries for me. Quitting my job is "out the question." FML

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Education these days…

Nongrandma - 26/08/2022 06:00

Today, my 5 year-old announced she’s “pregnant” and rubbed her tummy. I told her that it was impossible, since you have to be a grownup to get pregnant. She said that her oversized teddy bear made her “pregnant” and began humping him while sing-songing the word “pregnant.” No idea who taught her that. FML

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Hustlers

Anonymous - 25/08/2022 02:00

Today, I found out that my 14-year-old son spent hundreds of dollars on what appears to be a misogynist multi-level marketing hustlers' website. How did he pay for this horseshit, and how did I found out? My PayPal account sent me emails, telling me that several purchases had been made, but too late for me stop them. FML

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Ringing those bells

Anonymous - 24/08/2022 04:00

Today, I was at the water slide with my two sisters. As we got to the top, my sister wanted me to go first. As soon as I went to go down the slide, she lamped me right in the balls from behind, and pushed me down the slide. My other sister kneed me in the same spot 5 minutes later. FML

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Right or wrong?

Anonymous - 23/08/2022 16:00

Today, my son's school called to inform me that I had to come pick him up, as he was caught vandalising. What shenanigans had he gotten up to? Writing "Epstein didn't kill himself" on various desks and walls around the school. I'm not sure if I should applaud the sentiment, or be annoyed that he got caught. FML

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Brain melt

ray - - Canada

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

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Girly bunch of giggle girls

read the damn room - 23/08/2022 04:00

Today, my mother went on a misogynistic tirade about how girls are backstabbing bitches, and nothing but trouble. She continued saying how she wishes my sister and I would make more guy friends, and stop being so damn girly all the time. Umm… has she forgotten who she gave birth to? FML

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SWERFs gonna SWERF

Anonymous - 22/08/2022 22:00

Today, my so-called feminist daughter somehow found out I briefly worked as a prostitute when she was a teenager, and has stopped speaking to me. I haven’t the heart to tell her it was the only way I could afford to send her to college. FML

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Parenting 101

Anonymous - 22/08/2022 12:00

Today, I found out that my ex, who fought me tooth and nail for shared custody, doesn’t actually spend time with our daughter during the days he has her, he just takes her to work with him and pawns her off on his secretary, who looks after her all day in a separate office. FML

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Family traditions

Anonymous - 22/08/2022 02:00

Today, according to my dad, I’m not a real man because I didn’t spend my 21st birthday alone in the mountains, hunting to feed myself and building my own survival shelter like he did and his father did. Well sorry dad, you raised me in a city miles from any mountains FML

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The Baby-Sitters Club

Do I look like a fucking babysitter? - 22/08/2022 00:00

Today, my parents, my two sisters and their significant others went on a vacation and dropped their children at my house without ever asking me. I'm single, live alone, and can barely make ends meet, and they know it. FML

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Tetchy

Brokendishes - 21/08/2022 18:00

Today, my husband broke a set of dishes, told me I had to clean it all up, and stormed out of the house. It’s now 3:30am and he still hasn’t come home. Our 5 year-old son keeps asking about him. What warranted all this? Asking him how his day went. FML

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Run for the hills

Anonymous - 21/08/2022 04:00

Today, I heard for the nth time (I lost count after 100) how my roommate and her boyfriend plan to have kids (yes, plural) because we’re "BFF family", and "family babysits for free." She’s actively trying to get pregnant, but wants to continue smoking and drinking like a fish. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, it's only been two months since my daughter has owned her home and now she wants to move back to my house because she lost her job and can’t afford the mortgage, plus she got pregnant off a one-night stand and needs my help with the baby. Bang goes my plans for a quiet retirement. FML

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Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

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Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it, I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

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Today, I spilled boiling water on my legs. A coworker told me that putting mustard on the burn would heal it. I ended up at the emergency room. When people walked by I could hear them say "it smells like hot dogs". FML

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Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

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