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By Anonymous - 02/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 916

You deserved it 5 504

Out of control

By emilyxoxoxo - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 940

You deserved it 37 331

Stop talking!

By Noname - 12/03/2009 11:24 - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157 336

You deserved it 18 066

By emayc - 22/11/2017 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from an overnight trip to find my room a complete mess. My coked up housemate had invited strangers to stay over when they told her they didn't have place to sleep. They stole my money, speakers, Polaroid camera, and passport. They left a packet of biscuits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 691

You deserved it 396

By Tank - 16/07/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together, I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 679

You deserved it 780

It's the new thing!

By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 06:02

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 429

You deserved it 1 043

By fartwoman - 23/06/2010 01:41 - United States

Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 145

You deserved it 62 925

By purrfect :/ - 07/07/2016 22:34

Today, my future husband presented me with an engagement ring he had had engraved with the pet name he calls his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 437

You deserved it 1 075

Revenge!

By princess98 - 18/11/2019 05:00

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to take a shower, because he smelt awful and wanted to cuddle. After 45 minutes, he did so. I wanted to cuddle and fool around after he was done. I got rejected because he didn't want to get dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 197

You deserved it 819

By Scottrick - 01/03/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 166

You deserved it 15 630

Who knows?

By Anonymous - 08/02/2014 18:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 801

You deserved it 11 087

Winner

By Anonymous - 09/01/2020 20:00

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 141

You deserved it 1 031

Boundaries

By Sfg_926 - 26/06/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying, "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 940

You deserved it 3 616

By Purplexus - 02/01/2014 14:13 - Turkey - Ankara

Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 368

You deserved it 5 385

Purplexus tells us more.

Purplexus 14

Thursday 2 January 2014 19:01

Yes, this was my FML. Yeah, my dad is an awesome professor. Does anyone have any questions haha

Noise complaint

By no sleep for me - 08/01/2013 07:44

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 418

You deserved it 5 740

By ELK - 18/07/2018 15:00

Today, having played golf for 15 years, I had my first hole in one. I was playing by myself. There were no witnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 946

You deserved it 392

By ShadowReiku - 13/12/2012 08:39 - United States - Odenton

Today, one of the girls who has made it her job to ruin my life cornered me in the hallway at school. She tried to insult me, and for the first time in my life I had a scathing comeback. My elation quickly ended when she violently shoved my face into the water fountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 898

You deserved it 2 792

fishyrael tells us more.

fishyrael 28

Friday 14 December 2012 6:19

This is my FML. I made an account to comment. I play pen&paper D&D with my dad and she was getting on my case about playing the nerd sport and how pathetic it was. I told her that at least I can have a relationship with my father that doesn't involve him paying for abortions.

You OK?

By erin1985 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 531

You deserved it 2 984

Whatthefuckaburger

By r u kidding me? - 09/06/2020 20:00

Today, after my girlfriend continuously whined for hours about a specific burger place, I finally gave in and we drove nearly two hours to get there. Once in line, she looked at the menu, then decided everything had too many calories and wanted to go home. She doesn’t get why I’m pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 901

You deserved it 341

Just do it

By tulisa - 21/02/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 392

You deserved it 4 471

By sufia - 30/08/2018 23:30 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, after months of saving for a trip to India, I learnt that because I was born in Pakistan, I can't use my Canadian passport and have to apply for a Pakistani one. I also learnt there is a ban on Indian tourist visas for Pakistani passport holders. There goes my trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 910

You deserved it 366

By shredded - 12/02/2011 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 329

You deserved it 56 227

By ConstructionLady - 13/11/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 748

You deserved it 2 409

By Screwed - 09/11/2012 04:02 - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 094

You deserved it 2 034

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 336

You deserved it 5 350

By Anonymous - 07/10/2018 12:00

Today, I hit someone’s car and got arrested for a DUI. I had to tell my parents so they could remove me from the insurance. My mom's response in the background after I told my dad was "I knew it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 4 410

Sizing up

By tinyfeet - 02/03/2016 03:15 - New Zealand

Today, my company told me that they refuse to buy me new safety footwear without a doctor's note, because my shoe size is three sizes smaller than the minimum size my company provides. I actually have to get my doctor to prove my shoe size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 547

You deserved it 1 303

By Dino - 21/10/2018 14:00

Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 884

You deserved it 182

After the flood

By russty - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 796

You deserved it 2 413

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 02:45 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 856

You deserved it 1 475

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The Top

The Top

Today, it's been a few months since I spent about three weeks in a relationship with a woman at work, who then left me to get back with her ex-husband. For some reason she reported us both to HR for our inappropriate relationship. My future at this company now rests on a meeting I have this afternoon with HR. FML

I agree, your life sucks 205

You deserved it 327

Today, I saw a toddler bolt in a parking lot. Since he was running towards the road behind me, I scooped him up to hand off to his mother. She shrieked, snatched him from my hands, and sprayed me with mace. While I was writhing in pain, some punk kid lifted my wallet and phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 131

Today, me and three other colleagues were fired for playing the World Cup on our PCs. We weren’t even watching the games, we just let it play on a separate tab while we did our due diligence at work. Turns out, there’s a snitch in our office, none other than the girl who said, “That sport shit is lame.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 978

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 302

You deserved it 56 464

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 052

You deserved it 6 546

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 314

You deserved it 3 416