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Finger on the pulse

By alex - 13/03/2016 19:36 - United States - Seagrove

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 105

You deserved it 1 653

By phalangesenfuego - 10/03/2016 14:07 - United States - Yakima

Today, a student came out to me, saying that she thinks she's gay. This has happened several times since I have taught here, which made me wonder why they were comfortable telling me. Turns out being a single, childless woman of my age screams "lesbian" to this particular community. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 970

You deserved it 2 096

phalangesenfuego tells us more.

phalangesenfuego 11

Friday 11 March 2016 3:28

OP here. Just to clarify, I'm not offended that people mistake me for a lesbian. What bothered me was the assumption was made based on what I feel are stereotypes of what a lesbian should be (single and childless). I do support ALL my students with whatever they come to me with, be it family issues, bullying problems, etc, and I feel privileged they feel comfortable enough to come to me with these things they are struggling with. And thank you for all the positive comments. Sometimes teaching is a thankless job, and positive support is few and far between.

Denial

By Unreciprocated - 25/02/2016 06:12 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 333

You deserved it 2 508

Sliced and diced

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 08:01

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 283

You deserved it 241

By Anonymous - 19/02/2016 18:26 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 202

You deserved it 3 334

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 095

You deserved it 7 225

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 23:02 - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 001

You deserved it 5 672

Systemic

By Upset - 03/02/2016 18:14 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 644

You deserved it 5 078

Wind up merchant

By Username - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, I was told by my mom that I'm a terrible person because I won't help my brother get a girlfriend. He's gay, but won't tell her because he thinks it's hilarious when she yells at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 974

You deserved it 5 046

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 19:43 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 781

You deserved it 1 480

By LordBubbleWrap - 25/01/2016 05:13 - United States - East Hartford

Today, after our flight got cancelled back home, I called the airline to work out a replacement flight. I sat in hold for 2 hours waiting as patiently as I could. Then, the automated voice says, "There are no available agents. Good bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 201

You deserved it 1 673

LordBubbleWrap tells us more.

LordBubbleWrap 11

Monday 25 January 2016 20:03

OP here. yeah i flew into a fit of rage which resulted in angry snow shoveling. I get that the airlines were busy but being hung up on by microsoft Sam was just to much.

By Username - 10/10/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 710

You deserved it 2 600

By fritzile - 10/01/2016 23:53 - United States - Chandler

Today, I told a customer the bread he wanted has been discontinued. He replied with, "Are you serious? What is your name? I'm going up front to complain about you." I still don't understand how that's specifically my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 176

You deserved it 1 341

By apav - 11/06/2009 11:52 - Australia

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 922

You deserved it 24 417

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 200

You deserved it 5 594

Drama!

By RUFckingSrs - 22/12/2015 02:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friends and I were going to Applebee's. A girl we don't like invited herself along. She waited for my friend outside of the bathroom, forced her to drive her, and said, "It's okay someone will pay for me." She then ate off of everyone's plate and left before the bill came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 138

You deserved it 3 794

By gmian - 06/12/2015 05:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 389

You deserved it 11 027

An FML Photo captioned by hoperpq. Well done!

By hoperpq - 28/02/2017 09:36 - France - Paris

Today, mom was finally convinced that grandpap is senile when he decided to "hunt" the deer head mounted on the wall with his shotgun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 370

You deserved it 185

Get Lucky, sound of the summer

By ashamed - 25/11/2015 15:50 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 253

You deserved it 2 418

By ScreweD- - 16/11/2015 21:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a writing assignment back. After meeting with my professor specially after class and meticulously combing through every word of that paper, I got a low D. Turns out, he graded me down on every suggestion of his that I took. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 184

You deserved it 2 108

By Anonymous - 26/04/2019 18:00

Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 253

You deserved it 338

By Brupopy - 27/12/2016 01:11

Today, I found out that my mother has been pretending that I'm a woman so that she doesn't have to tell her colleagues that she has a gay son. Apparently this has been going on for the past four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 830

You deserved it 1 001

Brupopy tells us more.

Brupopy 0

Tuesday 3 January 2017 1:50

OP here, thank you all for the replies!! Just to confirm she's not religious at all or anything like that and acts as if she's really supportive to my face before going behind my back and acting as if it's demonic or something. The awkward part, though, is that my younger sister came out as lesbian a few years ago too, and my mother was more than happy to discuss her and her girlfriend, but despite myself having been out to her for 8 years now, she still seems to be really awkward about me dating guys. Also, to the few individuals who suggested that I must look like a girl, I'm more of a beard and suit sort of guy personally. On another note, thank you to those who suggested calling her my father and going into her work place in Drag; I'll be staying with her next month for a little while and may have to borrow one of my sister's dresses and cosplay wigs to roll up to her workplace - along with unshaven legs and face, whilst maintaining the usual booming man voice, of course.