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I am an uncontrolled human. The cat is uncontrolled also. Cat food doesnt smell nice to me, and it was a strong, wet, meaty smell. Dammit, that came out bad too. Maybe i should work at one of those phone sex lines.

Thanksssss

By Mojosahomo - 10/01/2018 17:30 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 177

You deserved it 625

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 433

You deserved it 1 922

By Anonymous - 14/04/2016 05:13 - United States

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 856

You deserved it 5 821

By mel - 25/03/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 413

You deserved it 5 265

Sampled

By zachhewett - 02/02/2016 22:53 - United States - Birmingham

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I noticed that one of the kids selected for a test looked incredibly high. After he went into the bathroom and gave me his cup with his urine inside, I took a closer look… to see that the little shit had jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 417

You deserved it 2 875

By maisie - 22/11/2018 22:00

Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and it broke. Embarrassed, I picked myself up and sat down in another chair. That one broke too. I'm now the "fat girl" of the family despite weighing 90 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 034

You deserved it 262

Biology major

By LilPie - 19/11/2015 22:10 - United States - Fort Washington

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 168

You deserved it 2 322

Smart kid

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed at me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 711

You deserved it 8 387

By ScarletSpirit - 10/08/2016 10:10

Today, I was flirting with a really cute girl and we ran out of things to say, I got so nervous with the silence that I asked her if she had hiccuped lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 971

You deserved it 4 484

ScarletSpirit tells us more.

ScarletSpirit 15

Thursday 11 August 2016 13:53

Hi there, OP here. We talk frequently on social media now and we still flirt a lot, now "have you hiccuped lately?" is our opening question to each other :)

By Seeyounarabish - 11/07/2016 03:06 - United States - Pearland

Today, my sister pointed out a weird black mass underneath the lace of my dress. Perplexed, I looked down to inspect further and discover a wasp, under my boobs, attempting to build a nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 063

You deserved it 1 295

Seeyounarabish tells us more.

Seeyounarabish 21

Monday 11 July 2016 20:15

Hi OP here! I was talking with my mom and sister when the wasp somehow made it's way underneath the top part of my dress. I'm not sure how to visualize this for you guys but the top part of the dress has lace that's separate from the rest of the body so it's a bit difficult to notice if a wasp flies into that part because there's a slight gap between the regular fabric and the actual lace. Also because wasps have feet as light as ninjas. I do my laundry regularly, I just thought that the wasp mistook that part of my dress as the perfect place to start building its nest. Or maybe the wind accidentally directed it there? I'm not entirely sure. Anyways, I enjoyed reading everyone's comments and I hope that answers most of y'alls questions! Fortunately, I was lucky enough that the wasp was too confused to sting me! :)

By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - 05/01/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 743

You deserved it 467