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By piercednipple - 30/06/2015 16:02 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 080

You deserved it 2 763

By fyln00b - 03/07/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was horseback riding. Somebody yelled something behind me, so I turned around. Next thing I know, I am on the ground and my head is killing me. It turns out I ran into a tree branch. The person behind me simply said, "Watch out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 65

By Anonymous - 13/06/2015 15:47 - United States - Cabot

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 279

You deserved it 2 896

By almost_a_pro - 23/04/2015 13:43 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 113

You deserved it 9 098

By good friend - 27/12/2013 06:35 - United States - Missoula

Today, my friends and I had our Christmas party. I ended up being the only one sober, and had to drive each and every person home. There were 15 of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 548

You deserved it 5 819

By Anonymous - 07/05/2016 05:49 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 555

You deserved it 2 277

By anonymous - 01/02/2009 10:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 244

You deserved it 6 330

By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 122

You deserved it 2 359

By bluediva24 - 26/01/2011 00:54

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 895

You deserved it 4 154

By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:24 - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 568

You deserved it 74 989

By Anonymous - 30/08/2013 21:05 - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 710

You deserved it 3 475

By Anonymous - 04/08/2013 16:45 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 879

You deserved it 11 300

By turnedoff - 18/06/2012 01:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 709

You deserved it 5 882

Get it on

By RotoRooter - 17/04/2009 07:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 595

You deserved it 12 669

By kennyjhynes - 23/06/2014 13:56 - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 975

You deserved it 5 303

By stuck - 11/08/2010 12:01 - Australia

Today, because the two other managers decided to go on a spa day together, I had to stay at work despite the fact I spent most of the day throwing up in the bathroom. They called me to say what a good day they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 323

You deserved it 2 914

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 11:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 912

You deserved it 8 277

By justmyluck25 - 23/07/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 819

You deserved it 11 935

By Eric - 13/05/2011 02:19

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 657

You deserved it 2 907

Serious talk

By OhMyWhitney - 20/02/2012 07:41 - United States

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 199

You deserved it 32 918

Maybe I'm Amazed

By cachow - 06/09/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled, "Hello?" There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 978

You deserved it 36 398

By seth7_ - 18/01/2014 07:14 - United States - Dunedin

Today, after arriving home from work I found that my dog took a dump down the air conditioning vents on the floor. Now the whole house smells so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 486

You deserved it 5 280

seth7_ tells us more.

seth7_ 22

Wednesday 22 January 2014 4:28

In the process of training, he's a puppy though. My wife was supposed to be watching him but something came up.

Doggy style

By failuretolaunch2 - 26/02/2015 03:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I'm dating a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 599

You deserved it 4 910

By texasrose921 - 26/01/2015 11:29 - United States - Momence

Today, a weird friend of my father's decided to visit us. Our house isn't very big, so when he went to the bathroom, I could hear everything. He didn't wash his hands after a massive dump, and when he came out of the bathroom he patted my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 577

You deserved it 2 501

texasrose921 tells us more.

texasrose921 9

Monday 26 January 2015 19:19

Hi, I wrote this FML. Have any of you ever seen an older friend of the family you haven't seen in a while? They've most likely said something like, "Oh, how you've grown!" Or given you a compliment, and then given you a hug or patted you on the head. That's what happened with this guy. He was commenting on a compliment my dad gave me, and decided to pat my face, like a much older uncle would. It wasn't in any weird, predator way. But it was gross. And yes I scrubbed my face with anti-bacterial soap right after.

By oldschool - 23/01/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 410

You deserved it 28 925

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 21:15 - United States

Today, I was chatting with the girl of my dreams, a real heart-to-heart. Everything was going great, and I asked her if she'd like to get coffee together sometime. She immediately backed away and excused herself, mumbling something about not dating left-handed people. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 440

You deserved it 2 702

By Grindwhore - 17/09/2012 10:46 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I got fired for saving my company upwards of $6,000. I'm as confused as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 246

You deserved it 2 363

Grindwhore tells us more.

Grindwhore 2

Tuesday 18 September 2012 7:01

They have yet to give me a reason why, I'm still confused as hell.

By kady - 04/01/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 956

You deserved it 6 644

By ywouldudomelikethat - 03/01/2016 20:02 - United States - Renton

Spicy

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 676

You deserved it 4 612

By thecathater - 09/07/2013 13:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 843

You deserved it 7 117

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 724

You deserved it 1 503

Today, I found out that whenever a mistake is made at my work, my boss assumes that it was me, unless indicated otherwise, but he has never said anything to me about it because of my 'learning disorder'. I don't have a learning disorder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 520

You deserved it 2 674

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 603

You deserved it 3 514

Today, I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end of my table at lunch. He always sleeps or does homework during lunch. I walked over to him, tripped, and spilled my open bottle of water on his jeans. I apologized profusely and wiped off his pants with napkins. He got hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 037

You deserved it 11 943

Today, I was so busy checking my phone for live bus arrival times I didn't notice the bus pull up, let the people beside me on, and drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 375

You deserved it 43 229

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We'd been talking about the move where you pick a girl up and kiss, and how romantic that would be, so we decided to try it. When he picked me up, my head slammed against his ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 540

You deserved it 12 664