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By moweezy9 - 21/02/2011 21:07 - United States

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 400

You deserved it 15 840

By wow, thanks - 18/08/2012 00:39 - United States - Seattle

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 941

You deserved it 2 374

By Posty - 18/05/2009 18:38 - United Kingdom

Today, on the way to work, I pulled over at a postbox to post a letter. I walked up to the box with the letter in one hand, car key in the other. Guess which one I posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 609

You deserved it 26 746

Leaked

By honeybee2487 - 30/08/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, at work, I heard a weird sound coming from the ceiling. As I looked up to see what it was, a huge splash of water hit me in the face. I called mall maintenance to let them know. They told me they already knew about the leak… from the sewage line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 964

You deserved it 2 299

Tricked

By drug testing - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Little Chute

Today, while answering an "anonymous" survey about how to keep my school drug free, I told them they should stop drug testing the kids that they know don't do drugs and test the sketchier ones. They in turn drug tested me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 410

You deserved it 15 547

By tbalboa - 01/07/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 769

You deserved it 3 292

By presidont - 18/10/2009 12:25 - Switzerland

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 627

You deserved it 51 663

Oh, so cute

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 04:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 016

You deserved it 13 238

Fat chance

By Dave - 23/04/2012 13:22 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 662

You deserved it 22 065

Freedom

By Lovejunkie - 01/03/2010 07:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 825

You deserved it 8 727

By mom - 06/12/2012 19:23 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 772

You deserved it 85 933

By whoops.. - 16/01/2015 03:15 - United States - Garner

Today, I learned that when a man in the row in front of you at a movie theater tells you to shut up, you shouldn't tell him to fuck off. He might be 6'4 with a short temper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 712

You deserved it 49 779

The betrayal

By Anonymous - 01/08/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 367

You deserved it 3 969

The cliché

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 00:13 - South Africa

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 521

You deserved it 9 680

Thanks but no thanks

By Anonymous - 04/07/2012 18:01 - United States

Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 566

You deserved it 2 411

Weirded out

By CreepyPaperDoll - 05/11/2009 06:36 - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 996

You deserved it 3 974

Don't be this guy!

By clueless - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say, "Nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. It took me three months to figure that out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 916

You deserved it 59 682

By Anonymous - 16/10/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 689

You deserved it 46 227

Happy intoxication day

By rubber_duckie177 - 24/09/2009 11:25 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 187

You deserved it 4 038

By Tristansefam1367 - 12/03/2012 13:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 362

You deserved it 6 154

By ambulancedriver - 12/09/2009 18:35 - Poland

Today, I was on the job as an ambulance driver, I got a call about a man who claimed he'd had a heart attack. When I got to the house, it turned out the man was fine. I did however manage to hit a dog on the way there in fear of the man dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 431

You deserved it 5 498

By Anonymous - 02/05/2015 09:59 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 163

You deserved it 2 676

By Marc - 06/02/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 964

You deserved it 2 196

Pixels

By back to creepers - 21/12/2013 20:05 - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a sign he made in front of my Minecraft house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 569

You deserved it 6 516

Ouch

By beateneggs - 02/03/2010 19:57 - United States

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 451

You deserved it 3 434

Dead bed

By ohyey - 29/01/2011 01:50 - Norway

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 274

You deserved it 7 063

By WTF? - 03/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 954

You deserved it 3 979

By NotSoTypical - 29/09/2013 23:30 - United States

Today, I was using the bathroom at McDonald's when my wallet fell out of my pocket. A lady reached into my stall and tried to grab it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 110

You deserved it 2 976

NotSoTypical tells us more.

NotSoTypical 10

Thursday 3 October 2013 9:42

Hello, OP here! So you FMLers know, my wallet now goes in safe places when I use the bathroom( ie. My purse or backpack.) I was actually in the process of reaching down to pick it up when her hand appeared in my stall, from under the door. I didn't step on her hand, but thought about it. I did yell at her and report her to management, though. She has actually stolen other people's wallets, so I guess I am lucky.

Sampled

By zachhewett - 02/02/2016 22:53 - United States - Birmingham

Spicy

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I noticed that one of the kids selected for a test looked incredibly high. After he went into the bathroom and gave me his cup with his urine inside, I took a closer look… to see that the little shit had jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 417

You deserved it 2 875

By ipodless - 13/10/2011 00:47 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I asked everyone for iTunes money, pleased to finally be able to buy some new songs for my iPod. After receiving several gift cards, I discovered that my iPod had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 339

You deserved it 4 338

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The Top

The Top

Today, I moved into my first house and realised pretty quick that my estate agent lied to me about how great this neighbourhood was. I was in the house for 30 minutes when I heard the neighbours having a screaming domestic in their garden, then a brick flew over the fence and broke my eye socket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 134

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 971

You deserved it 4 263

Today, I caught my cousin's husband ogling me at a party. I decided to talk to him, but each time he'd avoid me. Eventually I confronted him about staring at me; he then pointed at the front of my dress, my nipple had slightly snuck out of my low-cut dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 1 897

Today, I learned that I've been saying a word wrong my whole life and all my friends have been too polite to correct me, when I found out that "Segue" and "Segway" are pronounced the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 623

You deserved it 192

Today, I started my first job as a power line technician. My boss's first words to me were, "I have a good feeling about you, kid!" That would've been great if he hadn't said, "Although, the last time I had a good feeling, the guy died" right afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 666

You deserved it 3 695

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "What birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 396

You deserved it 31 247