The Top

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Drilled

By dammit - 10/08/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 406

You deserved it 4 387

Yesterday's news

By rofld - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 022

You deserved it 28 358

Thoughts and prayers

By Anonymous - 06/09/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the beach. We were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I noticed that a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 414

You deserved it 53 865

By steven - 24/01/2013 05:16 - United States - Orinda

Today, I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average. Feeling good about myself, I decided to bake some cookies. After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven, I realized I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 191

You deserved it 34 398

By Lilly_28 - 11/08/2009 14:01 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 011

You deserved it 18 463

That's one way to start the weekend

By Monkey - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 703

You deserved it 3 091

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 07:23 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 933

You deserved it 3 241

Thaw it goes

By CLH - 25/01/2011 18:08 - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 483

You deserved it 6 826

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 07:17 - United States

Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 488

You deserved it 8 952

By notcool - 15/12/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 536

You deserved it 8 868

Suave

By getmoneyab - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. There was a hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 925

You deserved it 68 517

By AudraRose - 07/09/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 613

You deserved it 3 555

By likesboys - 19/05/2010 12:00 - Canada

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 978

You deserved it 4 980

Never forget

By mariokarter - 28/08/2009 04:41 - United Kingdom

Today, on the train on the way to my mother's house, I was playing Mario Kart with my son. He got a 'bomb' item, and yelled quite loudly, "I have a bomb!" Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 669

You deserved it 7 012

By Pimp-Daddy - 21/07/2009 14:55 - Canada

Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my cookies. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the cookies are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 511

You deserved it 14 160

By MistressSuzuka - 21/09/2012 00:05 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 346

You deserved it 2 823

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 12:38

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 356

You deserved it 4 415

By FMeeee - 16/06/2014 18:50 - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 459

You deserved it 9 810

By CharlieOrion - 04/05/2012 12:25 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, the school nurse called me in. She said she knew I was pregnant and she was worried about how it was affecting my grades. I'm not pregnant. Apparently I'm just stupid and fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 351

You deserved it 5 791

CharlieOrion tells us more.

CharlieOrion 7

Friday 4 May 2012 22:21

Hey, I'm OP- and I'm really not that fat! I've just gained weight quickly, cause I'm stressed about exams... This didn't really help much!

By Macy - 11/06/2011 20:36 - Italy

Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 969

You deserved it 3 382

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 19:42 - United States

Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 474

You deserved it 3 345

Picked

By sadsenior - 13/03/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 611

You deserved it 10 086

Bad boys bad boys

By FuturePolice - 23/01/2012 09:56 - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." She then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 962

You deserved it 3 604

By Sleep Deprived - 25/12/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 214

You deserved it 3 816

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 02:48 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my best friend got engaged to the guy she's been seeing for five years. He also happens to be the man I've been in love with for eight. As she was giving me the details, she nonchalantly gave me her reason for accepting the proposal: "Why the hell not, there's always divorce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 456

You deserved it 4 537

By drop dead single - 22/11/2014 13:44 - United States

Today, on our third date, my date tried to get me drunk and kept trying to touch me up. When I said he was moving too fast, he sighed and soon left. Just minutes later, he posted on Facebook saying "Just got friendzoned -_-". One of his friends commented: "I hate bitches, man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 276

You deserved it 4 498

By anon - 12/10/2010 21:52 - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 212

You deserved it 4 198

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of class for having a coughing fit. Yesterday, I was kicked out of class for sleeping, a side effect of my cough suppressant. Three absents from this class and I automatically fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 155

You deserved it 3 830

Pensu tells us more.

Pensu 12

Wednesday 6 October 2010 3:02

No, I wasn't forcing the cough; I've got bronchitis, I just get coughing fits that last for a while and can't control them.

Take the L

By slowrunner - 22/04/2009 13:20 - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 677

You deserved it 7 612

By riahta - 06/08/2010 06:45 - United States

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 047

You deserved it 46 541

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 672

You deserved it 3 582

Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 431

You deserved it 5 208

Today, I went to a chiropractor and got a membership just because I was desperate to be touched by a man after being single for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 331

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 185

You deserved it 6 886

Today, I decided to sit on the back porch for a while to enjoy the nice weather and relax. Unfortunately, one of my neighbors was outside too, having a very loud argument with his wife for about 45 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 95

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 999

You deserved it 4 154