Sex

By Anonymous - 21/05/2019 18:00

Today, my walk of shame may have been caught by the Google car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 662

Opportunity knocks

By fuckyou - 21/05/2019 06:00

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 124

You deserved it 232

Steamy

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 06:35

Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 3 448

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 06:00

Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 914

You deserved it 250

Dr. Dick

By Peter - 11/05/2019 14:00

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend has been lying to me about having a long-term illness requiring multiple trips to the doctor's. She isn't ill, she was cheating on me with the local GP. So I’ve literally driven her to the clinic and then sat in the waiting room while she screwed the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 312

You deserved it 349

Philosophical

By Too available to be sexy - 04/05/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 713

You deserved it 332

This doesn't feel nice

By Deadbed - 04/05/2019 16:00

Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 875

You deserved it 684

Exploding milk ****

By not that kinda squirting - 30/04/2019 14:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 905

You deserved it 603

Judas!

By Anonymous - 29/04/2019 14:00

Today, and ever since the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office, and now that he's become buddy-buddy with management, they believe him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 253

You deserved it 2 140

Exhausted

By Anonymous - 28/04/2019 05:00 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 149

You deserved it 250

By Anonymous - 26/04/2019 18:00

Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 252

You deserved it 337

Spiked

By Kmcc - 22/04/2019 12:00

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 735

You deserved it 278

Sounds reasonable

By Stoodup - 26/03/2019 12:00

Today, I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 minutes in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to our date, he got invited to a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 562

You deserved it 256

By Bro - 25/03/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 650

You deserved it 862

Get back here!

By frenchie12 - 24/03/2019 02:00

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left, I couldn't find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and doesn't believe me. I might have to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 499

You deserved it 590

Anemic performance

By too dumb for sex - 16/03/2019 22:00

Today, we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 301

You deserved it 262

By Uhg - 10/03/2019 02:00

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play video games than be intimate with me. I've tried everything, but get nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 346

You deserved it 421

By UpAllNight - 09/02/2019 13:00 - Palestinian Territory

Today, I had to sleep at my in-laws' house. My in-laws' bedroom is directly above the one we’re sleeping in. For the last 20 minutes, all I can hear is the bed going, “Thud, thud, thud.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 109

You deserved it 305

By Arden - 03/02/2019 20:00

Today, my dog peed on my bed because my parents were presumably having sex and I was too scared to go downstairs and take her out because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 915

You deserved it 1 586

Quickie

By dragonstooth257 - 03/02/2019 12:00

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. For the first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 078

You deserved it 687

Absent friends

By UnwantedDisappointment - 18/01/2019 00:00

Today, I accidentally saw my boyfriend's sexts to a guy he's friends with. He's been turning me down for sex for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 921

You deserved it 264

By EmbarrassedWife - 10/01/2019 04:00

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 418

You deserved it 2 045

Great benefits, though

By Sam - 03/01/2019 20:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my friend with benefits that I was starting to like forgot my name in front of his friends when they asked who I was. We've known each other for at least a year. I think this means I'm just a benefit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 642

You deserved it 900

By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 12:00 - United States

Today, I learned that not only is my husband having an affair with my own mother, but my whole family knew. They were keeping it a secret from me for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 439

You deserved it 385

Careless Whisper?

By InsultToInjury - 28/12/2018 04:00

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 129

You deserved it 1 265

Side dick

By Joanna - 27/12/2018 18:00

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 13 015

Knackered

By Tired - 25/12/2018 12:00

Today, was my first day off in almost a month. My husband and I spent all morning arguing, then he left to his job saying he wouldn't be back tonight. Apparently I'm being neglectful because I don't have the energy for sex after being the only one working full time, cooking, cleaning, and running errands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 012

You deserved it 441

Prank [GONE WRONG] [GONE SEXUAL]

By Mintspice - 19/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I'd cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6-month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three paychecks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 761

You deserved it 690

Sex ed 101

By clapping_for_you - 14/12/2018 12:30

Today, during a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 396

You deserved it 423

Mutilated knob

By JWags - 04/12/2018 05:00

Today, at 30 years-old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 696

You deserved it 1 622

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 682

You deserved it 7 894

Today, I was so tired I somehow managed to use black false eyelash glue instead of my liquid eyeliner. Every time I sneeze my eyes become glued shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 176

You deserved it 2 573

Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 821

You deserved it 6 663

Today, I found out that my doctor got mad I was prescribed Suboxone. Why? He had me in patches and pills when I wanted neither. I found relief and he took it as an issue, but this morning he wrote, "I know you're a druggie" in my file. I've never touched street drugs, and the cherry on top was, "You homeless yet?" A DOCTOR. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 88

Today, my cat tunneled her way under the covers to sleep beside me. It was really cute until she panicked in the middle of the night and practically skinned me alive trying to find her way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 592

You deserved it 4 053

Today, I had my eyebrows waxed for my senior pictures. After manhandling me, the cosmetologist managed to "accidentally" take my whole eyebrow off. It looks like I'll be remembered forevermore as the girl with one eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 242

You deserved it 3 293