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By pops up - 01/12/2011 22:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 404

You deserved it 10 661

By Lorus - 23/08/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, I passed a kidney stone. This is the third one in two years. I'm only 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 841

You deserved it 5 486

Busted

By Extended_desktop - 11/09/2011 17:53 - Poland

Spicy

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 575

You deserved it 66 036

By bettercallpeta - 15/02/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 108

You deserved it 11 158

By desperate - 05/10/2012 09:47 - Malta - Paola

Today, as an introduction to the history of China, I asked my APA World History class to write a 500 word essay on a historical Chinese person. Out of a class of 18, five of them were about Mulan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 058

You deserved it 5 048

Oh, hai Mark

By Jenn - 03/07/2013 02:39 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 377

You deserved it 5 817

By Emily - 21/08/2011 04:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 741

You deserved it 42 702

By fartwoman - 23/06/2010 01:41 - United States

Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 145

You deserved it 62 924

By LondonKitsch - 26/06/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 853

You deserved it 29 781

By Crumpet - 25/06/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 044

You deserved it 5 300

By Username - 15/05/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 479

You deserved it 18 103

Wrong 'un

By TheBeautifulOne - 23/08/2012 13:42 - United Kingdom - Ayr

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 113

You deserved it 82 214

By Ash - 27/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I saw this tourist almost get hit by a cab. After he walked away I complained to my boyfriend about how idiotic people like him just deserve to die. After 5 blocks of my ranting the tourist turns around and says "I'm right in front of you bitch." I hid behind my laughing boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 505

You deserved it 88 668

By kekeroos - 20/05/2011 15:17 - United States

Today, on my metro ride home, I sat next to a woman who thought it was appropriate to continually scratch at her scalp and then eat her 'scalp pickings'. When I looked over at her hair, I could see scabs clumped together from her previous scratching sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 107

You deserved it 3 261

kekeroos tells us more.

kekeroos 2

Friday 20 May 2011 19:54

While it is a public system and I'm bound to encounter plenty of 'weird' people, I would still never expect a 50 something year old professional woman to be picking at her scalp and then eating whatever it is she picks out. And while none of her pickings ended up on me, one good head shake would have changed that very quickly. It would have been Christmas in my lap in May!

JESUS CHRIST!

By rubmytummy - 10/06/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About halfway through, I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 829

You deserved it 23 361

By emopoe - 06/09/2011 15:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 984

You deserved it 13 019

Taking it too far

By wolf boy - 10/07/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 521

You deserved it 6 163

By jab43 - 23/07/2011 00:57 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 080

You deserved it 5 027

By bsaucedo - 28/07/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 940

You deserved it 9 921

bsaucedo tells us more.

bsaucedo 0

Wednesday 29 July 2009 9:19

who says my tank top was low cut and my cleavage was showing ? my shirt doesnt need to be low cut for a bee to fly in. so you deserve to be run over :)

By notthedad - 15/03/2011 15:50 - China

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 516

You deserved it 5 647

By coolhand - 29/08/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 522

You deserved it 67 505

By Derek Lee - 22/05/2011 13:53 - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 871

You deserved it 70 395

By Rehab - 11/02/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 412

You deserved it 3 735

Shut up

By anon - 04/05/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended, he loudly complained to his friends about the 'annoying girl' sitting next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 771

You deserved it 105 136

By nemo518 - 23/12/2010 06:36 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 180

You deserved it 9 461

By Anonymous - 16/06/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 682

You deserved it 11 468

Keeping it in the family

By Drew - 05/08/2010 05:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair… with her cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 722

You deserved it 4 356

Scheißleben

By LearnGeographyUSA - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Kirkland

Today, and for the past 13 months, I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 135

You deserved it 2 977

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 07:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 534

You deserved it 82

Medication shutdown

By Anonymous - 29/09/2011 09:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 953

You deserved it 4 963

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Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 461

You deserved it 222

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 623

You deserved it 8 412

Today, I woke up from an erotic fantasy about my boss. Today was also the day he wanted to have a nice long chat about my future with the company. I couldn't even look him in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 692

You deserved it 1 686

Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 447

You deserved it 45 009

Today, I was walking my dog when I saw a man trying to get a screaming little girl into a van. I called 911 and ran over yelling at him. His wife then got out of the van and explained the girl was their daughter and they were just trying to make her go to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 566

You deserved it 4 273

Today, I got a yeast infection, caused by the antibiotics for my UTI. I got the UTI after having sex for the first time in a year. A couple of minutes of sex have ruined my health. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 719

You deserved it 4 773