The Top

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By andromeda80 - 28/03/2012 13:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 509

You deserved it 2 818

By Anonymous - 03/08/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 971

You deserved it 4 806

By boostedsaab - 05/02/2010 05:35 - France

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 733

You deserved it 4 488

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, while looking through the camera my boyfriend got me, I found a video of a girl giving him head. After screaming at him about it and breaking up with him, I realized the girl was a drunken me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 832

You deserved it 67 230

By ohemmgeee - 31/12/2010 11:11 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 142

You deserved it 5 250

By Anonymous - 07/11/2014 23:59 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I finally found out why my husband is always so eager and happy to buy me whatever I am craving during my pregnancy. It's because it gives him an excuse to meet up with his mistress and have a quickie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 797

You deserved it 4 071

Rejection erection

By paidback - 25/12/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 685

You deserved it 83 511

Sad and lonely

By yikes78 - 31/05/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident, I blurted out, "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 818

You deserved it 10 520

By Anonymous - 26/07/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 061

You deserved it 8 989

You were warned

By kko - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 687

You deserved it 4 904

By coltsfoot - 23/05/2010 09:08 - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 461

You deserved it 7 095

By Anonymous - 21/08/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 154

You deserved it 3 786

First Dates

By sillvy - 13/01/2012 09:32 - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 162

You deserved it 5 572

By only 10 more hours to go - 06/01/2012 11:40 - United States

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 324

You deserved it 3 388

Fast turnover

By EnglandRocks - 12/03/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement, to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 377

You deserved it 2 765

Sorry for nothing, lady

By bad samaritan - 23/10/2012 03:51 - United States - Houston

Today, a parent was too busy texting to notice her child had run in front of a moving truck. She did however see me grab the child's backpack to yank him back out of traffic. She then screamed at me for "manhandling" her child and demanded I be fired. It's not even my school; I'm a part time sub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 121

You deserved it 1 682

By irishbabycakes - 25/01/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 375

You deserved it 5 975

It's the thought that counts, or something

By Henji - 10/12/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 082

You deserved it 41 972

By tman - 14/10/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 503

You deserved it 3 340

By and god shat - 11/07/2014 23:38 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 303

You deserved it 9 097

By buckley456 - 28/05/2012 03:33 - United States - Glenolden

Today, my remote control airplane arrived in the mail. I was super excited, so naturally I took it outside for its first flight. It now resides at the top of the tallest tree in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 816

You deserved it 8 976

Taking the piss

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 855

You deserved it 17 127

Creepy

By JustClaire95 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad told me that I can't wear leggings on Friday nights, because, "your butt is too distracting for my poker buddies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 120

You deserved it 16 524

JustClaire95 tells us more.

JustClaire95 13

Monday 17 March 2014 16:48

I'll prob just wear jeans from now on. Though it'd be funny to see them react to a mini skirt lol!

By unlucky - 19/09/2009 19:05 - United Kingdom

Today, was my birthday. I asked for a camera - nothing fancy, just a basic digital camera. My mother bought my brother a fancy digital camera, with all the accessories, for over £200. She then gave me his old, analogue camera, that I can't get film for anymore. He hates taking photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 208

You deserved it 3 083

By ubbernoob - 05/03/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said, "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 288

You deserved it 143 044

Nice try

By bigmouth - 02/08/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a host at a pasta diner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said, "That's my mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 815

You deserved it 76 309

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 13:15 - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 519

You deserved it 6 923

By Anonymous - 27/08/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year-old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 905

You deserved it 43 690

By jess - 15/02/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 022

You deserved it 2 404

Don't mind me

By Sam - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, "Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 319

You deserved it 3 829

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The Top

Today, my wife is refusing to go on our honeymoon because the resort we chose won’t allow pets. She’s now angry with me for not checking before we booked the place, and is threatening divorce if I go without her. I told her we could just get a dog sitter, but she refuses. Oh well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 301

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 353

You deserved it 2 957

Today, on the first day of 2024, I, a healthy 32 year-old, woke up to find I not only pissed the bed, but also shat myself in my sleep. I have no idea what I ate to cause this, nor how I didn't wake up when it was happening. This new year is literally off to a shit start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 594

You deserved it 156

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 109

You deserved it 28 381

Today, I found out that my girlfriend’s friends secretly make fun of me. They call me “grandpa” and a “massive creep.” They’re in their 20s. My girlfriend is 22 and I’m 48. Apparently, dating a consenting legal adult is considered “creepy.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 199

You deserved it 2 092

Today, I left a gift on my colleague's desk, with a note saying I liked him. He brought it over and handed it back, and told me he's married. His Facebook says he is single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 624