Sexting, Wanker Intimacy Keep your wits about you - FML

Keep your wits about you

Rawr - 30/12/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

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The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. …

Lock your doors

Anonymous - 27/05/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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anonymous - 06/03/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

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Play it cool

Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

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Anonymous - 01/06/2013 00:02 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

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Late reaction

fuck - 22/01/2020 14:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

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Cynical - 30/03/2009 03:49 - United States

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

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Knock next time please

Anonymous - 09/11/2020 21:32 - India

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

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Caught red-handed

caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

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The moment when…

wastedlove - 23/06/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave, I decided to give him one last thrill. I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out. When I asked why, he pointed behind me. My mom had watched the whole thing. FML

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Handy

Anonymous - 06/03/2011 18:15 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

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craigkid 2

Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:14

a) lock your door b) why was she stareing

SweetestSin 4

Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:10

awkward

singer4life666 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 10:26

This would've been even worse if she tried to help you...

ranamile 0

Friday 6 January 2012 3:08

It would have been great!

infernno 23

Wednesday 22 August 2012 4:27

^no.

joker02 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 10:38

joker02 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 10:41

que_que_que 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 10:57

ew your mom was masturbating while looking at you that's illegal

afrikaaner 0

Thursday 31 December 2009 14:44

Hehe! i was just thinking the same thing! sentence structure people!

awesome_king 3

Friday 10 September 2010 18:37

what are you talking about?!

T9FTW 20

Tuesday 13 November 2012 7:46

I don't believe the FML says that... LOL

neverminddd 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 10:57

I'm glad this has never happened to me. If I were you, I'd never be able to make eye-contact with my mom again.

redsoxfan92 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 11:05

the same thing happened to me tonight except I was in the boyfriend's shoes :P sorry about all the awkwardness honeydew xD

gr8nothingness 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 11:07

maybe she thought u were sleeping too..anyway that is crazy wild

k13_fml 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 11:10

kill yourself

Ottoman81 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 12:00

dont rub one out in the living room next time

me5 0

Wednesday 30 December 2009 13:42

Tell her you were itchy!

daemonsparta 16

Monday 3 August 2015 0:09

that didn't work when i told my wife that

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I'm catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I used to vent with, and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM saying he liked my pic. He wanted to talk on the phone, and we have fallen for each other. He thinks I'm 18. I'm a 39 year-old single mother of 3 kids. FML

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Today, I asked my boyfriend what celebrity I look like. He thought long and hard, then said "Sarah Jessica Parker." I gasped and told him that I find her extremely hideous. He replied "So do I." FML

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Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

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Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML

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Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, religion doesn't pay for my car. FML

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