Miscellaneous

laststand11 - 26/12/2011 01:35 - Reserved

Today, I received a very expensive bottle of wine for Christmas. My alcoholic mother snuck into my house while I was out and drank the whole bottle. FML

30 815

2 664

Scavengers

Anonymous - 25/12/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

10 011

26 798

ambled - 24/12/2011 20:04 - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

23 588

2 342

treeless - 24/12/2011 08:11 - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

30 901

2 397

arrowtopatella - 24/12/2011 05:15 - Australia

Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML

42 536

6 041

arrowtopatella

arrowtopatella 11

Saturday 24 December 2011 15:20

Hey guys, I'm the OP of this FML. I was playing XD- Gale of Darkness, one of my favourites. Alas there is no 'elite 4' as such in the Orre region, I was in the middle of catching a rare Wooper at a PokeSpot which I could have traded for an awesome Larvitar. Sigh. Rich world problems, I know. And yes, shock horror, I am a female that plays Pokemon, le gasp. And also I do play old-school Mario and stuff, I've been a Nintendo fangirl ever since I was little, occasionally migrating to other consoles to play things like Skyrim (No CoD for me though, thank you very much. Blegh.)

ThinZ - 24/12/2011 00:26 - United States

Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML

33 501

3 885

Anonymous - 23/12/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

13 493

32 046

jriese444 - 23/12/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

27 525

3 328

cj123 - 23/12/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

31 525

5 491

Anonymous - 23/12/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I went caroling with some family friends. We got pelted with oranges. FML

18 538

23 332

bellerz14 - 23/12/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

26 009

4 228

anna - 22/12/2011 21:25 - France

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

35 965

4 618

JackSteely - 22/12/2011 12:04

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

37 923

2 834

Anonymous - 21/12/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML

33 232

2 622

Anonymous - 21/12/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

27 070

5 560

tacoboy27 - 21/12/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

31 713

3 566

cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

35 365

4 486

Anonymous - 21/12/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

26 244

5 865

Anonymous - 20/12/2011 17:16 - Canada

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

26 709

5 596

IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - 20/12/2011 11:49 - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML

33 849

3 539

On the hook

phansmootchie - 20/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

8 318

37 490

This girl - 19/12/2011 18:01 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

29 334

3 393

Anonymous - 19/12/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

34 951

2 781

fmT719 - 18/12/2011 23:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

23 651

17 383

Musicfreak - 18/12/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

16 632

30 815

scammed - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

36 931

2 887

Alpha - 17/12/2011 21:18 - Estonia

Today, while I was meditating in my room, I started to hear strange sounds. I was thrilled and thought I was having some sort of profound experience. It turned out my brother had tuned in to South Park out in the living room. FML

10 546

31 807

MikeNick - 17/12/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

34 726

9 803

Anonymous - 17/12/2011 07:47

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

27 725

3 896

anonymous - 17/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML

36 060

2 534

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

43 857

7 053

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need." After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

23 755

3 103

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

51 994

9 622

Today, my girlfriend hasn’t fucked me in god knows how long. I had to mention a BJ and she already said she was going to give me one for Valentine’s Day. I knew it was bullshit because it’s the 17th and still no head. I get mad when I watch sex scenes. I masturbate but it's not the same. I really wanna fuck other women. IDK WHAT TO DO. FML

308

509

Today, at work, I thought I’d sneak a wee fart out, but ended up shitting myself. I just left work without telling anyone, went home, showered, then went back to work. No one missed me being away for 2 hours. FML

902

356

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

60 812

5 572