Health

Hot lava

By bubba7901 - 19/03/2021 10:59

Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 341

Workout

By Demitrius_T - 19/03/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after noticing weight gain, I purchased an ab belt. Despite no gym for around a year now, I assumed I could easily sustain an advanced level workout and put the belt on maximum strength. The first shock catapulted me off my feet and smacked my head into the wall, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298

You deserved it 1 363

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

By Anonymous - 19/03/2021 02:01

Today, I finally told my mom that it hurts me every time she calls me fat. She got offended that I'm offended. Now our whole entire extended family wants me to say sorry to her and them, because apparently they also call me fat behind my back. I'm a size small by the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 544

You deserved it 128

What? How? Why?

By Anonymous - 17/03/2021 22:01 - United States - Boise

Today, I smashed my finger with a hammer. A finger on the hand holding the hammer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 315

Many such cases!

By Anonymous - 18/03/2021 02:00

Today, I found out that I can’t get my COVID vaccine due to my chance of going into anaphylactic shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 144

Heavy traffic

By Anonymous - 16/03/2021 14:00

Today, I have severe endometriosis and it's severely damaged my bowels. I was on a bus, and we got stuck in a traffic jam. The bus was delayed by 40 minutes and whilst I was stuck on it, I pooped myself. An old lady gave me a shawl to hide the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 84

A slight hiccup

By maddie - 14/03/2021 21:30

Today, I got the hiccups at work no fewer than ten times in a row. I'm a cashier and not allowed to leave to go get water. Not only that, but I was called into the office to discuss my “drinking problem.” I don’t drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 52

Ouch, ouch, ouch

By Teh_Moo_fml - 13/03/2021 00:30

Today, I learned that you can actually sprain your groin for real. It hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 139

Ring of fire

By Anonymous - 12/03/2021 23:01

Today, I learned the hard way that I'm allergic to a particular brand of tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 197

You deserved it 92

Gruesome

By AbysmalAbyss - 11/03/2021 08:04

Today, it's been seven days since I had my wisdom tooth removed, under guidance from both a doctor and a dentist to help with frequent headaches. The dentist cut open my cheek during surgery, which got infected, and now I also have dry socket. My mouth is causing me agony, and so are my headaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 90

Emergency room time

By maya - 09/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was called a "wimp" and a "pussy" for crying and screaming after lightly bumping my hand on a wall. It’s been five hours and it still feels as though my skin is being ripped off the bones in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 400

Weird compliment, but OK

By prettyconstipated - 09/03/2021 14:02

Today, while buying laxatives at a store, the cashier loudly declared that I'm "too pretty" to be constipated. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 126

Hope there's no dancing involved

By InjuredTriviaNerd - 09/03/2021 09:00 - Australia - Kellyville

Today, I fell on a crack in the pavement and broke my ankle. Next week, I'm supposed to fly interstate to be on a quiz show I've spent two years in the audition process for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 127

Too passionate for me

By Mutton - 08/03/2021 17:01

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 115

These boots are made for walking

By Anonymous - 08/03/2021 05:01

Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs, to climb up onto platform. Sexy. Unfortunately, she missed the chair and stood on my balls, full weight, without noticing. I didn't 'enjoy' anything after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 475

You deserved it 373

Sharing is caring

By Eddie - 07/03/2021 23:00

Today, I caught my sister using my shaver to trim her pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 141

Free healthcare for all

By Anonymous - 07/03/2021 02:00

Today, I learned that my MS medication is going to cost 25k a month. My insurance won't cover a cent. I don't even make that much in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 79

Kinky

By marysparklez - 05/03/2021 22:59

Today, my boyfriend is once again mad at me because I refused to have shower sex with him. I’m too embarrassed to explain to him that ever since I could remember, if I don’t take my showers sitting down, I vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 983

You deserved it 496

Operation time!

By Murphy’s Law - 04/03/2021 20:01 - United States - Troy

Today, I went to see the doctor for my daughter and myself. I fell two weeks ago, I thought I'd sprained my ankle but apparently I broke my leg instead. I’ve been limping around for two weeks. My daughter was sick, which is the only reason I got X-rayed. It may need screws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 200

The results are in

By PuzzleMommieCubed - 04/03/2021 21:30

Today, I went to get Covid test because I had chest pain and shortness of breath. Turns out, I just have depression and anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 140

Who are these people ?

By ShelbyIsAwesome - 04/03/2021 17:01

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he hasn't showered in over a week because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 144

That's… a crime?

By Anonymous - 04/03/2021 05:01 - Canada

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that I see a therapist every week because, amongst other things, I'm terrified of being locked in a room. He didn't believe me, so he locked me in the bathroom "for a laugh." I had a panic attack and passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 143

The climate is whack

By fax4voice3 - 03/03/2021 11:01 - United States - Greenwich

Today, it was an unusually warm day after many weeks of typical subfreezing temperatures, so my family and I went for a walk in the park. We all came back with mosquito bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 230

Men and their balls

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 05:01

Today, five years after the birth of our last child, my husband still hasn't gotten the vasectomy he swore he would get. He wouldn't let me get my tubes tied, because it was "the least he could do," but when I ask about it, I'm a nag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 210

Mother of the year

By Atypical - 02/03/2021 02:01

Today, after a lifetime of struggles, I was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. Thanks to years of ridicule, punishments, humiliation and even beatings over something I literally could not control, I also have terrible depression and anxiety. My mom still thinks I’m making it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 277

You deserved it 220

You sleep in your pants?

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 18:30 - United States - Randolph

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 158

Scarcity

By Niniva - 01/03/2021 08:01 - United States - Dahlonega

Today, after several hours, two pharmacies, several bus rides, $20, and many phone calls, I returned home. Guess who still doesn't have a glucose monitor? Yup, I have to go do this all again tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 105

Is that how it works?

By SecondTimesACharm - 28/02/2021 17:01 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I tested positive for COVID… again. This pandemic has been going on for so long that after 11 months, my natural immunity has apparently worn off. I'm in the next group for the vaccine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 200

Le Epic Bacon

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 21:30

Today, after years of struggling with acne, I found out that it's caused by all the bacon I eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 1 286

Crossword anxiety

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 18:30 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I've been so anxious that I downloaded a crossword app to try to focus. You get stars whenever you complete a puzzle, either 1, 2, or 3. I'm now up to 400 stars and placed first in a competition I didn't even know I was participating in. I'm still anxious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 178

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I performed in my school's choir concert. The girl next to me started to pass out, and I grabbed her so she wouldn't hit her head. After we were done performing and the curtains closed, my choir teacher dragged me off stage and said I was getting an F for "creating a distraction". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 730

You deserved it 3 369

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 285

You deserved it 2 512

Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 078

You deserved it 3 514

Today, I discovered that my 17-year-old daughter received several weird deposits from Paypal. I checked her phone to discover that she had changed the password for the first time in years. Fearing drugs, I confronted her. She broke down and confessed to selling rare digital Pokemon on eBay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 794

You deserved it 2 438

Today, I found out my 20 year-old daughter has a 46 year-old boyfriend. She met him at her job. When I objected, she told me that I can’t tell her “heart” what to do because she’s “grown” and “in love.” I had to teach her how to wash and she still leaves dirty pads on the floor, but sure, she’s “in love.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 205

Today, the day before I'm supposed to leave for a long-anticipated trip to Europe, my mother admitted that she's never paid for it. She only told me she did so I would stop hinting that I wanted to go. I gave up Christmas for this trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 773

You deserved it 5 230