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    : 320



    Not my best work

    Anonymous - 16/10/2025 15:00

    Today, I tried cooking dinner from scratch for my date. Everything was going great until I realised the “icing sugar” I'd sprinkled all over the dessert was actually flour. She took one bite, coughed, and said, “So you’re more of a Uber Eats kinda girlie?” FML
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    Great grandfather material

    Anonymous - 29/10/2025 20:00

    Today, I went to see my dad to tell him that my girlfriend of two years is pregnant. He burst out laughing, and said, "You r*tard! You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book! Caught by your dick in the hairy bear trap!" He was still laughing hysterically when I left an hour later. FML
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    Motherly odor

    Anonymous - 07/11/2025 15:00

    Today, my daughter said, “Mommy, you’re my favorite person!” Then she added, “Because you smell like mac and cheese.” FML
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    Related by blood

    Anonymous - 11/11/2025 03:00

    Today, via Ancestry, I learned I am distantly related to my boss. Did it bring us closer? Did it buggery. My boss is a vindictive harpy at the best of times and now she knows we share a great-great-grandmother, she hates me even more because “my side of the family blah blah blah…” FML
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    Bad day, huh?

    Anonymous - 12/11/2025 22:00

    Today, work was exhausting, so I decided to get a pretzel crust pizza from Little Caesars on the way home. When I got home and opened the box, not only was the pizza cooked rather poorly, but there was also a mountain of salt strewn all over it, EXCEPT for the crust. How do you even mess up that badly? FML
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    Twisted

    no vacation then I guess - 20/11/2025 00:00

    Today, when I got home, I learned that my five year-old had tried to burn the house down when my wife told him that he needed to stop watching TV. Now we need a counselor and it's going to cost thousands. FML
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    Beep beep

    Anonymous - 23/11/2025 15:00

    Today, my phone auto-connected to my car’s Bluetooth as I drove my boss to a meeting. I didn’t realize my playlist had switched to dramatic telenovela theme music at full volume. She jumped, grabbed the door handle, and asked if I was “OK, like, emotionally?” FML
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    Go team!

    Mustanggt - 28/11/2025 22:00

    Today, my team was mistakenly scheduled against an over-60 team. I'd feel sorry for the old fogeys if they hadn't beaten us 3-0 and racked up seven yellow cards and a red on the way to doing so. FML
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    Shot by both sides

    Anonymous - 21/12/2025 22:00

    Today, my girlfriend was too busy having sex with my roommate to notice our accommodation being burgled. So now I don’t have a girlfriend, a rent paying roommate, a television, a PS5 or, for some reason, half of the books from my bookshelf. FML
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    To the moon!

    juggalo2 - 03/01/2026 09:00

    Today, I told my wife I was getting nervous about the surge in silver prices, and I wanted to sell some of our holdings. She told me not to be a "paper-handsing little bitch." FML
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    Are you okay?

    Anonymous - 17/01/2026 15:00

    Today, I brewed coffee at 7 a.m., clattered around getting ready, then left for work. An hour later my phone buzzed: “Are you okay? Your front door is wide open.” I’d left the kettle boiling and the door unlocked. The neighbor watered my plants and left a Post-it: “Your cat used the counter as a jungle gym.” FML
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    Leaky ballon knot

    Kelly - 21/01/2026 03:00

    Today, as usual I am allergic to onions (I fart A LOT if I eat any). It seems there were some in my breakfast sausage meal as I spent the day having major diarrhea; I'm shitting once an hour. That would be okay if I'd stayed home, but my sister asked me to pick her up at school. Guess who shit herself while driving… FML
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    Cranking it

    Anonymous - 26/01/2026 12:00

    Today, I was rushing around like a lunatic trying to get my shit together and knocked on my son's door a few times. The fourth time I did it, he shouted at me to just fuck off already because he’s trying to have a wank. Oops, and TMI son, TMI. FML
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    Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML
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    Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML
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    Today, I finished and turned in the last of the 17 major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I heard her ask her assistant, "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML
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    Today, I broke up with my boyfriend for cheating on me. I refused his calls, so he texted, not to apologize, but to say I'd "left some clothes in his suitcase"; i.e., he stole some of my clothes. When he didn't get the response from me that he was hoping for, he texted, "I'm wearing your shorts." FML
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    Today, I noticed my boyfriend tasted different than normal so he got a doctor's appointment, which is where he discovered he has a yeast infection under his foreskin. Yuck. FML
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    Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML
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