Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML
Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML
Today, I texted a friend saying I urgently needed his help. He gushed back along the lines of, "Glad you reached out, everyone has noticed your terrible frame of mind, you’re a suicide risk." I meant help with a tricky Excel spreadsheet, but thanks for the support I guess. FML
Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML
Today, it's the sixth anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML
Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML
Today, my husband got charged with felony animal cruelty, because while I was at work, he shot someone's hunting dog on our property. I'm a veterinarian. This should be great for my reputation. FML
How does a crow get into a water tank?
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww that's disgusting!!!!